the darkest hour

Horror Headlines: Thursday, February 2nd, 2012

Say what you want about Russell Crowe but the guy has never made a bad movie, that's a fact. So I guess don't say what you want. You can say anything other than he's a bad actor. So the news that he's possibly in the running for the lead role in the upcoming "Robocop" reboot is nothing but good. Especially after yesterday's news that the guy who wrote "Gran Torino" is penning the script. An elder racist gladiator who turns into a robot? This is going to be the greatest movie ever.

If you see one "stranded in Moscow because of a weird alien invasion flick that came out last year on blu-ray or DVD" this year then I suggest you make it "The Darkest Hour" which has officially been confirmed to be hitting selves on April 20th. That was a long sentence huh? You fancy pants fat cats can even get it in 3D with special features that include... well I don't know. The movie is on there though I'm sure. It would have to be, wouldn't it?

"The Devil Inside" mastermind William Brent Bell has officially thrust the name of his next film upon the world. The film will be called "Wer" and will be a found footage flick about a man being held at a police station who turns into a werewolf. Shooting will begin on the project in April and if I was a betting man I'd say it'll be wrapped just in time for Mid-April.

Kevin Bacon has been confirmed for the lead role in the upcoming Kevin Williamson TV series which revolves around a serial killer who makes his own cult of murderers. No word on the title of the series but Bacon will be playing the role of the FBI agent trying to stop the evil doer. This has got me really excited about a whole new batch of clever Bacon puns that I can start using. None of which I can think of but I'm sure they'll be great.

In Real People News: 

I'd see no problem if this happened down in Orlando but a new law being voted on in Virginia that would restructure the school year around the amusement park Kings Dominion's schedule seems ridiculousness. I mean I guess if you have a season pass or something you should be able to skip the first couple weeks of school. But I don't think that needs to be in the law books or anything.

If I had a nickle for every time I read a story about a 74 year old guy accidentally choking to death on his dentures while having sex with a hooker than well I'd have a nickle. The interesting part of this story is that the hooker said they had been having sex for 30 minutes when it happened. A 74 year old man having sex for 30 god damn minutes. She probably choked him to death just to get his wrinkly man bag off of her.

Horror Headlines: Thursday, December 15th, 2011

I love me the holidays! But if there's one thing that really irks me it's those giant inflatable lawn decorations that have become so popular in the last 5 years. I feel like everyone who has those thinks they've invented some amazing decoration for their front lawn that we're all suppose to look at in amazement when in reality they just went down to Target and paid 75 bucks for a giant Snow Globe with a Santa trapped inside.

I'm going to go on record as saying I am actually looking forward to seeing "The Darkest Hour". Yes it comes out on Christmas and there isn't a chance in hell I will see it until months after it comes out on DVD but that doesn't make me any less excited to see the teens trapped in Russia because of an alien invasion flick. Look at these new photos. Just look at em! Kids all running around in tank tops fighting aliens. Russia ain't so bad, man! Alright you got me, I'm still trying to hide the anger about these stupid lawn ornaments.

Color me confused but it looks like Darren Lynn Bousman's end of the world but Jesus is cool flick "11-11-11" if going to be getting a wide release on February 14, 2012. That's right the film specifically tied to the date 11/11/11 only got a limited release back in November so why the hell not shoot for Valentines Day in 2012. It's the perfect date movie for that special girl you want to break up with.

Check it son! The First poster for Ridley Scott's "Prometheus", the much anticipated prequel to his beloved "Alien" films. Yes there's no aliens to be seen in the poster but no one goes to see these movies for the aliens. That's a well known fact. People go to see the acting. And to see the girl who we say is hot but in the back of our minds secretly question if they were once a man in their skivvies. The aliens are really just a time filler.

I don't know what it is about Christopher Meloni but anytime I see him in a comedy I think he's awesome and anytime I'm flipping the channels and see him on "Law & Order" I want to punch him in the face. It's a crazy mixed up world, huh? But now he's been confirmed for season 5 of "True Blood" as a ye old vampire who controls the fate of our merry group of blood suckers. I'm thinking he's probably not going to be very funny in that role.

In Real People News: 

Wow, you'd think there is some sort of family bond on Thanksgiving but apparently not with this family in Texas who ratted out their 23 year old relative after they caught her having sex with a 15 year old boy. It's the Holiday's folks, everyone gets a pass on one illegal act.

And if you needed more proof that everyone from New Zealand is going to hell here's a new billboard that's popped up in a few locations there showing the Virgin Mary holding a pregnancy test. Just in time for the holidays.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday November 9th, 2011

I have no idea why anyone would want to visit Russia when their greatest commodity is already dancing at Private Eyes up on 45th and 8th, but the movie "The Darkest Hour" tells the story of a group of travelers stuck in Moscow during an alien invasion. A new poster for the flick has popped up online and it looks like all hell is breaking loose in Mother Russia. I hope this doesn't make people lose their place in line for bread.

Everybody hates clowns. Unless they're slutty clowns on Halloween, most people are on board with that. But an undead clown, that changes everything. The movie is titled "Stitches" and it tells the tale of a clown who returns from the grave to take out his vengeance on a group of teenagers who caused his death some years ago. It's a horror comedy and it's British so that means there's going to be a lot of bad teeth gags and Spam jokes. I assume. Most of what I know about the UK comes from Austin Powers and Monty Python.

"Hatchet" director Adam Green has confirmed "Killer Pizza", a new romp about a teen who takes a summer job at a pizza parlor that turns out to be the front for a monster hunting agency. The good people at MGM will be putting out the film so it might actually have some money behind it. God willing that doesn't mean they'll leave out the Kane Hodder sex scene.

If there's one thing Rob Zombie's witch revenge flick "The Lords Of Salem" has been missing it's sex appeal. Well good news you ornery little skanks, Sid Haig has officially joined the project as one half of a witch hunting duo. Boner time!

In Real People News: 

I like it! A Colorado man when ape shit yesterday when his local Best buy ran out of "Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3". The 31 year old became so upset that he threatened to shoot employees in the parking lot and blow up the store if they didn't get him his game. I hope they have Xbox in jail.

A threesome can ruin any relationship. Sure you want to see your wife go to sexy town with another woman now but once things start to actually happen you get to thinking about how this might effect the long term relationship. So it's understandable that this guy in Florida might have freaked out a little when his wife brought another women into the bedroom. What isn't understandable is that he took out his frustration on the two women by going all Ike Turner on them. That's going to probably cause more damage than the hot action.

Horror Headlines: Friday October 21st, 2011

Bryan Bertino is the dapper young fella who wrote the lovable hit "The Strangers" and now it looks like Mr. Bertino is putting pen to paper for a new flick titled "Grim Night". The movie will take place on the one night every year when the Grim Reapers come to earth to collect souls. I wonder if they listen to Collective Soul while they do it. Boom du da du da du da du dat YEAH! Trust me, it sounds just like them.

I'm not going to bother explaining the premise of "Jurassic Shark". If you can't figure it out by the name then you might have some sort of learning disability. But I will let you enjoy a new poster for the flick along with a bunch of screen shots of women in small bikinis. See how I work? I insult and then I give. I bet it's giving you some sort of complex. You loser... I love you.

Here's a few new behind the scenes photos from the set of "Resident Evil: Retribution". Much to my surprise there are none of Milla Jovovich eating butterscotch pudding, offering children hard candies or taking her heart pills. I guess I don't know her as well as I thought I do.

A couple weeks back I was the lone person on the podcast who thought "The Darkest Hour" looked pretty cool. I'm sorry if I'm just more cultured then the rest of my neanderthal co-hosts. It must be upsetting for you the listener to have to hear clips of the show where I'm not talking. So here's a new poster from the alien invasion flick! And it's in Russian. Dasvidaniya mutha trucka.

In Real People News: 

Yes this man who tried to turn his own doodie into gold by mixing it with fertilizer and heating it up sounds crazy... But if it had worked, man we'd all be rich! unless you're constipated. Then you'd be shit outta luck Haha get it!?

This guy's like some sort of modern day super hero. Not the crazy kind who dressed up in a costume and tries to fight people in the street. The kid that hacks into a child pornography sites and posts up the names of all the users. We should give him a medal and erect statues of him. He can wear a costume if he wants.

Horror Headlines: Thursday, September 15th, 2011

I don't care what anyone says, I'm excited about
"The Darkest Hour". Mostly because I'm a travel buff and the story focuses on a group of teens trapped in Moscow during a strange alien attack. And today we've got a cool new motion poster for the flick. I have no clue where these things show up but I want to see it in person. I also want to visit Dorney Park for their Halloween Nights. That's the ad I got before the video of the poster. It looks more fun than the movie to be honest.

Looks like the good people at Sony Pictures plan on releasing the original "Ghostbusters" back into theaters sometime in late October, most likely around Halloween. With the third installment of the franchise taking its sweet ass time to get going this is probably the only slimer action you're going to get for a long time. Unless that start running those old cartoons they made from the films. That's probably not going to happen though.

From the trailers and stills I've seen I'm still completely lost on what the new FX series "American Horror Story" is about but according to their site it focuses on a family that moves into a creepy house after the father does some diddling on the side. Well now we've learned that Sarah Paulson, who you probably know from "What Women Want" has joined the cast for 4 episodes. She'll be playing a medium that plays a big role in some sort of story arc. You're welcome for all this useful information.

I can't believe this hasn't been made before but here's the first image for "Wet Dream on Elm Street". If you couldn't guess the film is a porn parody of "A Nightmare On Elm Street" and today we've got our first look at Freddy Fingers, who instead of knives has dildos on his glove. There's something I never thought I'd write. It's a good day.

In Real People News: 

Let this be a lesson to you kids, death can strike at any time and at any place. Don't believe me? Here's a story about a woman who was killed in a McDonald's bathroom when a faulty hose leading to the soda machine started pumping carbon dioxide into the room. You're not even safe in the bathroom!

You ever see those pricks walking around the grocery story eating grapes from the fruit stand? I thought that was pretty bad but here's a story about a guy in Pennsylvania who is facing felony changes after he was eating raw beef in Walmart and putting the opened packages back on the shelf. You read right, raw beef... in Walmart. They should give him a medal for still being alive.

Horror Headlines: Thursday August 11th, 2011

Dermot Mulroney, of Dermot Mulroney fame, is the latest name to be attached to Chan-wook Park's new English language film "Stoker". The movie focuses on a young girl who is mourning the loss of her father and has to deal with a mysterious uncle. Mulroney will play the father. So he may only be in the movie for 10 minutes. Enjoy him while you can.

"The Darkest Hour" is a new film which follows 5 students trapped in Russia during an alien invasion, with sexy results. Alright I don't know about the sexy results part but I do know it's release date has already been pushed. Now before you go getting all worried I should point out that it's only been pushed two days to December 25th, presumably so it doesn't have to face off against "The Adventures of Tintin". So if it sucks they're not messing with Jesus's birthday. Bold move, Hollywood.

Watching porn online is nice and all but there's something really classy about putting in a DVD and watching it on a TV in all it's glory. I assume the same can be said about the web series "Mortal Kombat Legacy" as it will be coming to DVD and Blu-Ray on November 9th. Both versions are full of extra goodness and if you order it online you'll only have to put your pants on when you go get the mail. Or don't. I don't know what kind of agreement you have with your neighbors.

Ridley Scott and his brother Tony have both been confirmed by Activision to be creating exclusive content for their new online juggernaut "Call of Duty: Elite". Details of what they'll be coming up with aren't available yet but if I was a betting man I'd say some sort of storyline. I can't see either of them sitting down and coding or anything. But then again I don't know what kind of hobbies they have. I don't like to assume.

In Real People News: 

If you're a women and you want to record yourself having sex with six men then by the power invested in me you deserve to do that. But when you start forcing your 6 year old daughter to hold the camera that's when you get on the express train to hell. You're telling me you found 6 guys to be on camera and you couldn't find one more to play director? Just sounds like laziness to me.

And here's a story about a man who accidentally shot his penis off with his girlfriend's pink gun. Because losing your junk isn't embarrassing enough, you need to do it with a pink pea shooter.

Horror Headlines: Thursday August 4th, 2011

I'm not sure who is excited about "Final Destination 5" right now. I sure as crap know 5 podcasters who are miserable about it's upcoming release. But for those of you looking forward to it's final destinations there's a whole boat load of new posters for your viewing pleasure. I think they might be in Russian though. I have no idea. What language uses a backwards 3 as a letter? I want to party with those guys.

I've beat the silly Italian accent into the ground when describing any sort of horror flick that's been put out by those pizza tossers so I'm going to take the high road on this one. "Morituris", which has a new trailer, is about a group of Roman soldiers who return from the grave to kick the cannolis out of anyone they come in contact with. Not going to lie it looks kind of bad ass. But I might just be fooled by the hot lix in whatever song is playing during the trailer. I'm a sucker for crappy shredding.

I'm positive that "The Darkest Hour" takes place in Russia although I didn't see any backwards 3's in the new trailer so I'm still kind of confused about the "Final Destination 5" posters. The movie doesn't come out until December but from the trail my spidey senses are all a flutter with excitement. It follows 5 tourists trapped in Moscow during an alien invasion of some sort of creepy weird light that turns everything into dust. I realize this sounds ridiculous but watch the trailer, you'll get strange tingles in new places too.

Never let it be said that the people at The Asylum don't come up with some of the weirdest crap to ever hit the straight to DVD selves. Their latest masterpiece is "2 Headed Shark Attack" which is about, as if you couldn't have guessed, a 2 headed shark that attacks a school-at-sea boat. No news on casting yet but they're shooting for a early 2012 release date. I can't wait for the sequel. I need to see a 3 headed shark attack.

In Real People News: 

I'm not a big pet person but you seriously have to be a cold hearted prick to kick a puppy so hard it's leg has to be amputated. I mean I can see a fully grown dog but a puppy? There's a special spot in hell for people like that.

And it looks like the puppy guy will have some company down there because here's a guy in Michigan who's facing 15 year in prison for stomping his girlfriend's Yorkshire terrier to death. Anyone else feel like eating a bag of Fig Newtons and crying uncontrollably right now?

Horror Headlines: Monday April 12th, 2010

"The Walking Dead" casting continues to pick up speed as Brandon Routh has been added to the cast list. So far, Routh will be starring alongside Andrew Lincoln and Jon Bernthal.

Emile Hirsch prepares to dip his toes into the genre pool as he signs on for "The Darkest Hour". The movie, an all new alien invasion thriller from Chris Gorak, begins filming in Russia this summer.

Dennis Iliadis, director of last year's "Last House on the Left" remake, has decided to undertake the daunting task of directing Keanu Reeves in "Jekyll", a modern retelling of the classic tale.

In Real People News: 

A South African policeman faces trial this week for shooting four men in a bar bathroom in 2008. When entering the restroom, shots were fired as the men argued over penis size at the urinals.

A building collapse at Swedens premiere rabbit show causes a host of new species of rabbits. When trapped in the wreckage, the bunnies did what bunnies do, which boils down to a full scale rabbit orgy. Schwing.

On this day in history: 

1961 - Soviet cosmonaut Yuri Alexeyevich Gargarin is the first man in space, aboard Vostok I.

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