Let's make a promise to each other to do as little work as humanly possible today. Let's also make a promise to each other that none of us will watch Madonna's Super Bowl half time show.
Call me an old softy but I love Bananarama's "Cruel Summer". The workout montage from "Karate Kid" alone makes the song a classic. And for that reason alone I will love the new film "Snow White: Deadly Summer", a retelling of the classic story that has Snow White stuck in a prison camp where everyone is dropping dead. I realize this is a pretty big stretch on the whole Bananarama thing.
There are many reasons the poster for "Final Destination 5" should be banned but because it's too scary is not one of those things. But that's what's happened in the UK. Apparently the poster is too scary for kids and has been taken off the market where it had resurfaced to promote the release of the DVD. Silly I know but what I've always said is you can never trust anyone who drinks tea, let alone an entire country.
If your kid titles his "what I did on my summer break" essay "I Survived a Zombie Holocaust" then you might want to get him some help. If he wants to see the new movie "I Survived a Zombie Holocaust"... well you should probably get him help also but maybe let him check out this group of new stills from the flick about a zombie movie set that gets overrun with real zombie. But seriously, your kid might have some problems.
It's no surprise but that doesn't make it any less upsetting. Lionsgate Vice President Michael Burns recently sat down with CNBC (there's a sentence I never thought I'd write) and hinted to that fact that you'll most likely see a new "Saw" film in the future. He also announced the return of New Coke and the Apple Cube.
I'm not sure who is excited about "Final Destination 5" right now. I sure as crap know 5 podcasters who are miserable about it's upcoming release. But for those of you looking forward to it's final destinations there's a whole boat load of new posters for your viewing pleasure. I think they might be in Russian though. I have no idea. What language uses a backwards 3 as a letter? I want to party with those guys.
I've beat the silly Italian accent into the ground when describing any sort of horror flick that's been put out by those pizza tossers so I'm going to take the high road on this one. "Morituris", which has a new trailer, is about a group of Roman soldiers who return from the grave to kick the cannolis out of anyone they come in contact with. Not going to lie it looks kind of bad ass. But I might just be fooled by the hot lix in whatever song is playing during the trailer. I'm a sucker for crappy shredding.
I'm positive that "The Darkest Hour" takes place in Russia although I didn't see any backwards 3's in the new trailer so I'm still kind of confused about the "Final Destination 5" posters. The movie doesn't come out until December but from the trail my spidey senses are all a flutter with excitement. It follows 5 tourists trapped in Moscow during an alien invasion of some sort of creepy weird light that turns everything into dust. I realize this sounds ridiculous but watch the trailer, you'll get strange tingles in new places too.
Never let it be said that the people at The Asylum don't come up with some of the weirdest crap to ever hit the straight to DVD selves. Their latest masterpiece is "2 Headed Shark Attack" which is about, as if you couldn't have guessed, a 2 headed shark that attacks a school-at-sea boat. No news on casting yet but they're shooting for a early 2012 release date. I can't wait for the sequel. I need to see a 3 headed shark attack.
In Real People News:
I'm not a big pet person but you seriously have to be a cold hearted prick to kick a puppy so hard it's leg has to be amputated. I mean I can see a fully grown dog but a puppy? There's a special spot in hell for people like that.
And it looks like the puppy guy will have some company down there because here's a guy in Michigan who's facing 15 year in prison for stomping his girlfriend's Yorkshire terrier to death. Anyone else feel like eating a bag of Fig Newtons and crying uncontrollably right now?
There's a brand spanking new trailer for "Final Destination 5" out and hey did you know Tony Todd's in this one? So that's something, right? And it's in 3D. Tony Todd in 3D. Man this one is going to be awesome. And I didn't think I'd have anything to say about the new trailer. Thank god and baby Jesus for Tony Todd.
"Jeepers Creepers" mastermind and official NAMBLA member Victor Salva recently let out that if and when "Jeepers Creepers 3" happens it'll be the last installment in the series. Please Victor, say it aint so. He did come out and say that 3D probably wouldn't be an option for the film that's had a script for some time now and just can't seem to get off the ground. Let's keep our fingers crossed that things work out for the convicted sex offender.
If you're holding your breath for a "Zombieland" sequel you better have some pretty hefty lungs my friends. In a recent interview Jesse Eisenberg gave an update on the status of the follow up and it looks like other than some form of a script being worked on not too much else has happened. He does go on to say that all the actors are on board but the longer it takes the less interesting the film will be. Then he kicked a puppy and shot a bald eagle.
And because it's a slow day here's the trailer for a new Cuban zombie flick cleverly titled "Juan of the Dead". As you can expect it's a nod to Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright's "Shaun of the Dead". And by nod I mean there's a cigar smoking mental patient in the corner giving himself whiplash he's nodding so hard. Ay caramba.
In Real People News:
I'm pretty sure 30 years ago this was the theme of at least 12 movies but a Oregon man is under arrested after dressing up as a woman and sneaking into a woman's lock room to do a little peeping. Of course it turns out he's also a convicted sex offender which I'm pretty sure was never a plot point in any of those movies but it was a long time ago. I don't remember them that well.
"Masks" is a heart warming little tale about an aspiring young actress who travels to Germany to be taught in a school that was once led by an insane instructor who killed himself after his techniques were banned. From what I can tell those techniques includes forcing people to scream after each other and then have an orgy while covered in blood. For your viewing pleasure a few images and a new trailer has hit the tubes and surprise surprise, it's bat shit insane.
"Yellowbrickroad" has absolutely nothing to do with "The Wizard of Oz" and most of all has no regard for spaces in between words. It does though sound pretty cool and the new trailer that's up looks pretty trippy. The movie focuses on a research group that uncovers a mysterious trail that an entire town went down and disappeared over 70 years ago. I hope there's munchkins at least. Those little fellas are adorable.
To say the last season of "Dexter" was kind of a bummer is putting it mildly but according to the new teaser for Season 6 all hell is going to break loose. The only reason I believe it is because they do a recap of previous seasons in the clip and don't even mention the storyline of season 5. It's like Julia Stiles never existed! It's like I haven't watched "Save the Last Dance" and cried like a baby every Christmas Eve for the last 10 years.
Lastly, tune in to tonight's "Attack of the Show" on G4 to see the brand spanking new trailer for "Final Destination 5". Or don't actually. I'm not going to lose any sleep either way. I can't keep tabs on all you sickos.
Lastly some sad news. Dana Wynter, who played Becky Driscoll in the original 1956 version of "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" passed away last Thursday at the age of 79. She also guested on "Hart to Hart" and "Magnum, P.I." so there's a 75% chance I had a boyhood crush on her.
Here's a new one sheet for the new found footage flick "Apollo 18". The movie is a follow up to the 1996 Academy Award winning film "Apollo 13" staring Tom Hanks. Wait, no? That's not right. Ah whatever just watch the clip.
With Christmas just around the corner it's time to celebrate the holiday season with a horror movie that shows a crazy Santa going around murdering the crap out of people. As luck would have it we have a new red band trailer for "Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale", the Finnish flick that does just that. I feel so warm.
Wait seriously they're making a "Final Destination 5"? That's not a joke. Well at least it isn't going to be in 3D right? Oh god it's going to be in 3D! You build me up with a crazy Santa and then you just cut me right back down with this crap. Well played.
Here's some new screen shots from "The Rite" staring Anthony Hopkins as a Priest who gets involved with an exorcism. When did possession become the big rage? I missed the memo. I can't wait for next Halloween when people just walk around spitting split pea soup at each other.
In Real People News:
I love when people find a way to sexually harass a large group of people in one fatal swoop. Like Canada's industry minister who told a crowd he wants "more Canadian sex stories". Apparently he meant to say "success" but in this economy couldn't we all use a few good sex stories to brighten up our day?