Louis

After the success of the ultra-tepid and mega-overrated “Paranormal Activity”, Paramount is hoping that lightning will strike twice by starting Insurge Pictures, an in-house effort that will distribute films budgeted under $100,000. While this sounds awesome at first glance, we all know this'll just become another home for Hollywood vanity project for the likes of Steven Soderburgh and George Clooney to “get back to their roots” by using digital cameras to make scathing indictments of the US military complex starring porn stars and cameos from former teen-stars trying to shed their pretty boy image. On the plus side, you might get to see James Van Der Beek's dong.

Did you know they were remaking “Pet Sematary”? I didn't. I just learned that, like, two minutes ago. It's apparently going to be rewritten by Matthew Greenberg, writer of the failed King adaptation “1408” and the failed “Halloween” entry “H20”. Who do you think they'll get to “reimagine” the catchy theme song, originally performed by the Ramones? I'm, hoping it's Justin Bieber, so at least I'll have something new to masturbate to. That sexy twink is pure rape-bait!

I know that, because you're an imbecilic horror fan, you probably only listen to bands like Magick Karkass and Devilwhipper, but, if you can expand your musical horizons for two Goddamned minutes, neo-outlaw country singer Shooter Jennings' latest album, “Black Ribbons” is out. Why should this appeal to the oh-so-picky likes of you? Because “Maximum Overdrive” director Stephen King narrates the anti-New World Order-themed album as radio DJ “Will O' the Wisp”, who is about to lose his job as the airwaves is overtaken by 'government-approved and regulated transmissions.' I'm taking a moment to be serious here: this is a damn good album and, quite honestly, better than anything you're listening to right now.

Let's start the news this morning with a well-deserved laugh: the new Fangoria blog. LOL. Oh, how the mighty have fallen! Some people say that this ultra-basic blog is the death-rattle, some people say it's a possible rebirth. I kinda hope it's like a guy who's been in a serious car-wreck and has severe brain-damage, leaving him a drooling imbecile who has no real motor functions but is still, sadly, barely alive for years and years, becoming a drain on their friends and family who secretly wish that he would just die so they can move on with their lives, causing brutal inner turmoil inside them because they know that it's wrong to think of their loved one like that. Kinda like that.

Five-headed mangina Joss Whedon and hipster documentarian Morgan Spurlock are teaming up to make what is going to be the most ironic, annoying and patronizing documentary ever about the San Diego Comic-Con. Let's place bets right now that the man-mammed Whedon stuffs the thing with scantly-clad “Slave Leias” and then uses some sort of pseudo-feminist BS to make viewers think that what they're watching isn't Maxim-level jerk-off material. Meanwhile, Spurlock will comb his handlebar mustache with a PBR can.

After 31 years, bloated indie-studio Miramax has closed it doors for good. Now, as many horror fans know, Miramax was the home of the genre-label Dimension Films, which brought us such classics as Phantoms, Highlander III and The Crow: Wicked Prayer, among others. The good news is that when Miramax founders Bob and Harvey Weinstein left the company, they took Dimension with them. The bad news? Now those guys new film group, the Weinstein Company, is on the verge of bankruptcy! If they go out of business, who'll make all those shitty Hellraiser and Scary Movie sequels? The answer? ME.

Speaking of uneducated wiggas, the Insane Clown Posse are back with... a western. Yep. Fresh off the success of the ultra-gory Death Racers, the dimesack duo have upped the ante and lowered the bar even further with Big Money Rustlas. Now I know this isn't horror, but, really, isn't the scariest thing imaginable a Juggalo with unwashed hands handling your McDouble on the assembly line at McDonald's? It is for me, because it just happened. I found a long green hair in my fries as well. Either way, I'm looking forward to the self-esteem building entertainment I'm sure that Rustlas will supply and, as an added bonus, when the BGH gang covers it on the podcast, I'd like to sit in. Clown make-up optional, fellas!