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Horror Headlines: Friday January 22nd, 2010

I love doing the news for BGH. I really do. But I hate waking up in the morning to do it. Waking up early is a white people thing. “Hey Bruce, what'ya doin' today?” “Why, I'm getting' up early, Steve!” You never hear Mexicans talk like that. As a Mexican, I can tell you from experience that the only thing a Mexican gets up early for is free taco day at the food stamps office. That's where I was this morning! Andele! Arriba, arriba! (shoots two pistols into the air)

Jason Momoa has been signed to star in Marcus Nispel's upcoming reimagining of “Conan The Barbarian”.While I am excited that a new Conan flick is on the horizon, don't you think he should look more like a Boris Vallejo painting and less like a dreadlocked hippie douchebag playing guitar while selling vegan burritos outside a Widespread Panic concert?

It looks like “Ghostbusters 3” is going to be in 3-D. Well, that's disheartening! Is sad to think that a movie of this legendary comedic pedigree, in order to sell it to idiotic audiences in this day and age, needs to resort to this irritatingly faddy 3-D upsurge. What's next? Justin Beiber as the newest recruit? A ghost who Tweets? Slimer relaxing with a Kindle??

Sam Jackson and Josh Duhamel are supposed to star in the next big angels vs. demons horror-thriller “Sympathy for the Devil”. In other news, Asylum has started rolling on the similarly-themed “(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction” starring Mario Van Peebles and Chad Lowe.

In Real People News: 

Music industry has-beens Quincy Jones and Lionel Richie, in a bid to gain some sort of opportunistic relevance, are coming together to write and record a new version of “We Are the World” for the victims of that Haiti thing. How much you wanna bet the Black Eyed Peas are gonna be on the front row? That's gonna date it quicker than a Cyndi Lauper solo! Instead of wasting your time caring about the redux, why not instead enjoy this highly offensive version from a Japanese variety show?

Want something that's going to haunt your nightmares? In Turkey, a sheep gave birth to a lamb...WITH A HUMAN FACE! AHHHHHHGHGHGH!!!! Isn't this a sign of the end times in the “Book of Revelations”??? If not, it should be!

Meet America's first legal male prostitute! He's a “well-read college dropout” who charges $300 an hour. Hey, I'm a well-read college dropout...how come I can barely get a free lunch out of my clients? Oh, yeah...the gut. I forgot. :(

On this day in history: 

In 1992, Rebel forces occupy Zaire's national radio station in Kinshasa and broadcast a demand for the government's resignation. Then, if that weren't bad enough, things got really dicey when Brendan Fraser and his band, the Lone Rangers, force the DJ to play their demo tape on the air in a bid to get a record deal.

Horror Headlines: Friday October 16th, 2009

Last night, I bought a bag of candy corn at Target and, somehow, ended up eating the whole bag. While it is relatively guilt-free treat (it's a fat free candy!), when I woke up at 4 AM, with sugary foam and dried wax-like candy bits clogging my throat while throwing up orange-syrupy goo, I realized just how much I actually hate candy corn. I still have no idea why I got it. (Of course, as I type this, I just put a stray piece of corn that I had dropped on the floor last night in my mouth.)

The big news today? That the much jizzed-on “Paranormal Activity” goes wide, and all thanks to the 1,000,000 of you that took the time to vote online! Sure, we're in the middle of two wars, the dollar is becoming useless and we are on the verge of eating our pets, but, hey, entertainment reigns supreme! The best thing about this massive hype? I can't wait for the sure-to-come backlash now that everyone can see the movie without having to resort to midnight movie theatrics. For more info, click here. To join the Army, click here.

What's the other big news on every single Goddamned horror movie site? In a just posted Twitter, Wes Craven thinks that Kevin Williamson's “Scream 4” script “sounds fantastic”. In other Craven/Twitter news that hasn't made it to the news sites yet, today he's eating “tomato soup for lunch...again”, “hates traffic on the 405” and wants to know if you've heard about “that krazy balloon boy in Colorado”.

According to Variety, “Universal Pictures has set Chris Messina to star in "Devil," a horror-thriller based on an M. Night Shyamalan story that will be directed by John Erick Dowdle and Drew Dowdle.” I have no idea who Chris Messina or the Dowdles are, but if M. Night Shyamalan has something to do with it I AM THERE. That man is a cinematic genius. Just like Rob Zombie.

In Real People News: 

OK. So the real news is this a-hole family, the Heenes. They live up the road from me and it was exciting to watch the balloon escape right from my backyard, penis filling with blood at the hope that, at any minute, a child will tragically come falling out of the flimsy cardboard basket. And that was before we found out they were media whores who appeared on “Wife Swap” and put their kids in a music video called, ahem, “Not Pussified”! My advice to young Falcon? Keep trying to reach the stars, son! UPDATE: The boy just vomited on the Today Show!

Midget wrestlers Alberto and Alejandro Pérez Jiménez-- aka La Parkita (Little Death) and Espectrito II, respectively--were found dead in a hotel room after they were poisoned and robbed by a pair of devious hookers believed to be part of an organized crime ring of murderous prostitutes. I FUCKING LOVE MEXICO.

In one Chicago area high school, 115 girls are preggers. That's 1 out of 8. My (jimmy) hats off the to graduating class of Louis Fowler Memorial High School!

On this day in history: 

In 1916, Margaret Sanger founds Planned Parenthood. This puts the former birth control clinic, Kick Your Whore Ass Down the Stairs, Inc., quickly out of business.

Stryper news...no, seriously

Sometimes you have a slow day, and you just can't conjure up any material for the ole' blog. Then, there are days like this....as reported on Blabbermouth:

Guitarist Oz Fox of reactivated Christian hard rockers STRYPER will marry Annie Lobért, a 41-year-old former call girl who founded the international Christian ministry Hookers for Jesus, on June 5 in Las Vegas, Nevada.

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