fowler fridays

Horror Headlines: Friday March 12th, 2010

So we have two more weeks until Horrorhound Weekend. Did you get your tickets yet? All of our various cliques are coming together and making our plans, from a Friday night karaoke bash where I plan on starting with Neil Diamond's “America” to Saturday's “Cheeseburger in Horrorhound Weekend-idise”, where I will intrusively push my love of Jimmy Buffett on everyone. Horror is great and all, but c'mon, even you gotta admit it gets old fast.

After the success of the ultra-tepid and mega-overrated “Paranormal Activity”, Paramount is hoping that lightning will strike twice by starting Insurge Pictures, an in-house effort that will distribute films budgeted under $100,000. While this sounds awesome at first glance, we all know this'll just become another home for Hollywood vanity project for the likes of Steven Soderburgh and George Clooney to “get back to their roots” by using digital cameras to make scathing indictments of the US military complex starring porn stars and cameos from former teen-stars trying to shed their pretty boy image. On the plus side, you might get to see James Van Der Beek's dong.

Eric Roberts has signed the dotted line to star in the SyFy movie “Sharktopus”. I know that I've been a champion of these movies in the past, but, after the release of “Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus”, I find it hard to give a damn anymore. These movies used to be reviled and spit on, which, for me, added to their charm, but, for some reason, with the release of “MS v. GO”, they became a part of the hipster culture and they became “cool” bad movies. “Hey bro, I can't make it to our Brooklyn-based indie art-rock collective band meeting tonight! SyFy has Cyndi Lauper is taking on a Spider-Megalodon!” (And, even more, am I the only one who feels like a total dick actually writing “SyFy”? That channel has gotten so pretentious I'm surprised they haven't done a Phillip K. Dick miniseries yet, with a soundtrack by Joanna Newsom.)

In Real People News: 

According to a recent study, huffing—the act of inhaling vapors to get high— has surpassed "street drugs", like marijuana, among 12-year-olds. Remember that story last week about the small condoms for 12-year-olds? WHAT THE FUCK ARE 12-YEAR-OLDS DOING? When I was 12, I had just discovered masturbation by rubbing my dick vigorously against the rim of the tub. Sex and huffing were a looooong way off.

Devotees of a Miami man claiming to practice a traditional African religion say they had to ingest the mucus of a Giant African Snail that sickened them. Call me crazy, but I like to worship a God that doesn't make me drink snail mucus to prove my love to Him. I'm old-fashioned like that.

A Mexican military helicopter was spotted hovering over a South Texas neighborhood. While many residents are wondering why the military would cross into our country, I'm wondering how they were able to stuff 23 soldiers, a crate of chickens, a taco-stand and a goat named Jorge into one helicopter.

On this day in history: 

In 1930, renowned pussy Mahatma Gandhi leads a 200-mile march to the sea to protest the British monopoly on salt. This was followed a week later by a swim in the Ganges to protest the high price of Mrs. Dash.

Horror Headlines: Friday March 5th, 2010

I got my tickets booked for Horrorhound Weekend, but it wasn't without my fair share of headaches. I was gonna leave on Thursday from Denver and stay at Casey's pad, but that flight done got all filled up. So, instead, I had to book my flight for Wednesday. It looks like I'll be camping in the airport for a day, maybe sleeping in the bathroom like Will Smith in “The Pursuit of Happyness”! Inspirational!

Did you know they were remaking “Pet Sematary”? I didn't. I just learned that, like, two minutes ago. It's apparently going to be rewritten by Matthew Greenberg, writer of the failed King adaptation “1408” and the failed “Halloween” entry “H20”. Who do you think they'll get to “reimagine” the catchy theme song, originally performed by the Ramones? I'm, hoping it's Justin Bieber, so at least I'll have something new to masturbate to. That sexy twink is pure rape-bait!

According to MTV, Wesley Snipes would like to see a “Blade 4”. Sadly, no one else does. (OK, that was mean. The truth of the matter is that I love all three “Blade” flicks and would love to see a fourth. Sometimes the prerequisite cynicism of this gig eats away at me, forcing me to do or say things I don't mean to. Mr. Snipes, please, if the offer arises, make a new “Blade” and I will be first in line, no questions asked. (This promise also applies if you make “Passenger 58” or “Jungle Fever 2: Still Cravin' That White Meat”.))

I know that, because you're an imbecilic horror fan, you probably only listen to bands like Magick Karkass and Devilwhipper, but, if you can expand your musical horizons for two Goddamned minutes, neo-outlaw country singer Shooter Jennings' latest album, “Black Ribbons” is out. Why should this appeal to the oh-so-picky likes of you? Because “Maximum Overdrive” director Stephen King narrates the anti-New World Order-themed album as radio DJ “Will O' the Wisp”, who is about to lose his job as the airwaves is overtaken by 'government-approved and regulated transmissions.' I'm taking a moment to be serious here: this is a damn good album and, quite honestly, better than anything you're listening to right now.

In Real People News: 

You know what would be great? A cure for Autism. You'd think that pediatricians would be all over that, right? Naw... instead they are calling for hot-dogs to be redesigned. HOT-DOGS. TO. BE. REDESIGNED. (Even more baffling: how do you redesign at hot-dog? Make it into a cube? A large ball? And how does this bode for the bun industry?) CURE AUTISM, YOU LAZY, GOOD-FOR-NOTHING ASSHOLES.

Swiss condom producers have created “the Hotshot”, an extra-small condom designed for 12-year-olds. Or 31-year-old horror-news writers named Louis.

A Staten Island woman is suing her doctor for accidentally giving her a second pair of breasts. She claims in the suit that the botched surgery harmed her livelihood as a prostitute on Mars. Personally, she makes me wish I had four hands!

On this day in history: 

In 1046, Naser Khosrow begins the seven-year Middle Eastern journey which he will later describe in his book “Safarnama”. It was later rewritten by Jackie Collins into the novel “Hollywood Wives” and then made into a miniseries starring William Devane and Joan Van Ark. Tawdry!

Horror Headlines: Friday February 26th, 2010

I had to force myself awake, gasping for air this morning. I had a nightmare that left me quite shaken, causing me to run late. It took place at Horrorhound Weekend, only it was a real ghetto version, taking place in some hippie's backyard. I had my dog Hoogie with me and we were sitting on a porch-swing as a guy who looks like a fat Devendra Banhart shoved a corn-dog that had been dipped in LSD in my mouth. I go off wandering in the desert, waking up next to HHW-pal Jay at Amy and Freddy NOTLP's house. I started to call Hoogie, but couldn't find him and began panicking.

It was damn-near impossible to navigate through the waters of horror-news outlets today as every single page that I clicked on greeted me with a rollover, a pop-up or a redirect for “The Crazies”. One of them even crashed my Goddamned browser. So, as of now, I refuse to to see “The Crazies”. I don't care anymore. Look, ad-men: as a member of the horror community, I am at full awareness that “The Crazies” is out today. Most of us are. Is all this repetitive, intrusive and downright asinine advertising really necessary? It's 9:40 AM on opening day and I'm already burned out on this overexposed remake. I hope it fails, and fails miserably.

Speaking of failing miserably, Bloody Disgusting has the one-sheet for George Romero's latest flogged-to-death horse, Survival of the Dead. It looks like you think it would, with cheaply painted zombies reaching out to grab you, trying desperately to escape the mediocrity.

Last Wednesday, our good pal Casey wrote a fun little piece entitled “9 Insane Asylum Movies” in honor of the release of “Shutta I-lin, Ya Wikked Pissa Bastids”. Meanwhile, over at something called Horror-Movies.ca, they've got a weak-sauce variation called “5 Best Horror Films Set in Mental Institutions”. Our's obviously had thought and care put into it. Their's, on the other hand, had “Gothika”. Ahem.

In Real People News: 

In my hometown of Oklahoma City, a 23-year-old guy died in a “Toughman Contest” after receiving a traumatic brain injury. NOT SO TOUGH ARE YOU NOW, ASSHOLE? (He leaves behind pregnant fiancé, LOL.)

In Irvine, California, a man who two weeks earlier had his hand severed by a Metrolink train, fell on the tracks and was dragged 87-feet BY THE SAME TRAIN. NOT SO TOUGH ARE YOU NOW...oh, wait...you lived. Wow, dude, you should be in a Toughman Contest!

On this day in history: 

In 1952, British Prime Minister Winston Churchill announces that his nation has an atomic bomb. Sadly, the country wouldn't have dental care for fifty more years. Pip-pip!

Horror Headlines: February 19th, 2010

When you see me at HHW in Indy here in a few weeks, chances are, by 10 PM, me and the gang are gonna be pretty wasted. Let's make no bones about it. The difference this year? I've decided to say sayonara to those wonderful Midori Sours and, instead, will be getting' down and dirty with Lone Star beer and a couple of bottles of Jim Beam. I've been listening to a lot of Hank Williams Jr. lately and it's time I man up, God dammit.

Let's start the news this morning with a well-deserved laugh: the new Fangoria blog. LOL. Oh, how the mighty have fallen! Some people say that this ultra-basic blog is the death-rattle, some people say it's a possible rebirth. I kinda hope it's like a guy who's been in a serious car-wreck and has severe brain-damage, leaving him a drooling imbecile who has no real motor functions but is still, sadly, barely alive for years and years, becoming a drain on their friends and family who secretly wish that he would just die so they can move on with their lives, causing brutal inner turmoil inside them because they know that it's wrong to think of their loved one like that. Kinda like that.

Over at Dread Central, they score a nice coup with a short interview with Rider Strong, star of Cabin Fever and, more importantly, Boy Meets World. And while he does a serviceable job discussing the Cabin Fever legacy, not once do they ask him about motorboating Topanga's big fat juggs. Seriously...face aside, I could plant a flag on that pasty chest and proclaim it as the property of Spain. My God...did you see her in National Lampoon's Dorm Daze? That movie gave me arthritis, if you know what I mean.

Five-headed mangina Joss Whedon and hipster documentarian Morgan Spurlock are teaming up to make what is going to be the most ironic, annoying and patronizing documentary ever about the San Diego Comic-Con. Let's place bets right now that the man-mammed Whedon stuffs the thing with scantly-clad “Slave Leias” and then uses some sort of pseudo-feminist BS to make viewers think that what they're watching isn't Maxim-level jerk-off material. Meanwhile, Spurlock will comb his handlebar mustache with a PBR can.

In Real People News: 

Elton John, in next Sunday's long-running, elderly-beloved, free newspaper insert Parade, claims that Jesus was “gay”. When reached for comment, Jesus said “People still read Parade? Really?”

As a response to the recent spate of recalled Toyota cars, Toyota president Akio Toyoda said he will testify at a congressional hearing next week. His defense? “Ah so...mya penis is-a veddy veddy tiny! And-a yours is-ta veddy veddy big! Super big USA penis yankee number one!”

In Prague, a trio of doctors accidentally left a foot-long medical tool inside a woman's abdomen. The doctors—Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine and Dr. Howard, respectively—were said to have acted completely unprofessional during the procedure, using a comically large mallet as an anesthetic tool, constantly fighting each other during the operation—including one doctor poking another in the eyes and calling him a “numbskull”—and, somehow, causing a pie-fight in the operating theater.

On this day in history: 

In 1846, Texas officially became a part of the United States. Texans plan on celebrating by executing a handful of mentally-handicapped kids on Death Row while firing off six-shooters in large vats of bold 'n' spicy chili.

Horror Headlines: Friday February 5th, 2009

Bloody Good Horror does a wonderful, fantastic job of covering all aspects of horror. Probably the best, if you ask me. But how come, when it comes to music coverage, it's always about these hacky, screaming, trashy neo-metal bands with names like Tabernackle Neckkrack, Pentagrim or MethDettle TKO? Is this really the ONLY kind of music that horror fans care about? C'mon... surely some of us enjoy the soothing sounds of Steely Dan or Jimmy Buffett, right? Does anyone else here just ever sink into a bean-bag and gel with the Kenny G Live album? I can't be the only one... can I?

So, of course, the big news today is former Fangoria staffer James Zahn's loud 'n 'proud Facebook missive against his former employers. The major consensus is that he's just confirming what everyone figured about the behind-the-scenes of the magazine, but the real surprise, for me, at least? That Fangoria might have folded! The last issue I bought was about three months ago, after a two year hiatus; I was shocked by the $27 cover price and the 84-page tribute to Twilight. But, I gotta say, I loved the article entitled “Kane Hodder's 12-Minute Killer Ab Workout”. I lost five pounds! Thanks, Fango!

In Horrorhound Weekend news, it's been announced that at this March's Indy convention that the full, uncut version of Clive Barker's entertainingly silly "Nightbreed" will be screened for the first time ever. It sucks that I'll be missing it because I'm gonna be chugging Jim Beam while partying with about eight-to-ten BBWs in the BGH room's hot-tub. If you're reading this and you're a plus-size fox, well, you're fucking invited.

Susan “Bag 'Em and Tag 'Em” Sarandon's daughter, Eva “Godzilla Tits” Amurri has been gaining a bit of notoriety lately, especially after a saline-filled performance on Californication (whatever that is) and palling around with Olivia “Do You Like Me Yet?” Munn. She must be learning quite a bit from Munn, because she's going after your nerd-dollars now with a lead in "Isolation", a horror flick set in a... wait for it... hospital... and she has no memory how she got there! Oooh! I'm guessing she got there because of a botched boob-job. Speaking of botched boob-jobs, let's bet money now this goes straight to DVD. ZING.

In Real People News: 

Fuck paying for daycare. Yeah, I said it, but you know who's practicing it? Chen Chuanliu, a Chinese rickshaw driver who's been chaining his kid to a tree to keep him from being kidnapped by Oriental scoundrels! Ancient Chinese secret, huh? (GONG NOISE)

You know who shouldn't own cats? Goth kids. If they don't kill them by subjecting them to endless hours of tuneless Siouxsie Sioux drivel, there they go, piercing their l'il kitty ears and making them wear “Team Edward” shirts because daddy didn't loan them the Family Truckster to go and smoke Cloves down behind the Circle K. Fuckin' Goths. Really.

A Canadian restaurant is actually inviting patrons to have dirty sex in their unisex bathrooms. The restaurant's name? “Waiter! There's A Hair In My...Oh, Nevermind.”

On this day in history: 

In 1917, the current constitution of Mexico was adopted, establishing a federal republic with powers separated into independent executive, legislative, and judicial branches. Naturally, we celebrated by eating tacos and shooting our pistolas into the air.

Horror Headlines: Friday January 29th, 2010

OK. I'm trying something new. It's about 1 AM right now and I am going to write the news now, and I'll go back and proof it in the morning. This is a plan that's gotta work. But what if something HUGE happens overnight, like, say, Robert Englund casually drops a Freddy reference at a convention or Bruce Campbell says there's not going to be an Evil Dead 4 while at a book signing? Let's be honest: just about every other site will be covering that ad nauseam anyway, so, really, what can I add to it that, I don't know, Cousin Freaky over at DreadfulDisgusting.com will rant and rave over?

After 31 years, bloated indie-studio Miramax has closed it doors for good. Now, as many horror fans know, Miramax was the home of the genre-label Dimension Films, which brought us such classics as Phantoms, Highlander III and The Crow: Wicked Prayer, among others. The good news is that when Miramax founders Bob and Harvey Weinstein left the company, they took Dimension with them. The bad news? Now those guys new film group, the Weinstein Company, is on the verge of bankruptcy! If they go out of business, who'll make all those shitty Hellraiser and Scary Movie sequels? The answer? ME.

Yo, cheap-ass horror movie rentaz! Listen up! So this bullshit with Redbox is about to get even more real, son! First, you'll have to wait 28 days to rent Warner titles. Ain't that some noise, son??? Now, here come the wackest blow: most Redboxes are stocked by franchisees who purchase titles from Target or Best Buy. Because of this, stores are initiating a five-copy-per-customer limit on all titles. AWWWW HELL NAW, SON! How'm I gonna rent Saw 6 with that brotha who played Eddie Winslow on Family Matters? Thanks, Redbox! Now I'ma gonna download that shit, son!

Speaking of uneducated wiggas, the Insane Clown Posse are back with... a western. Yep. Fresh off the success of the ultra-gory Death Racers, the dimesack duo have upped the ante and lowered the bar even further with Big Money Rustlas. Now I know this isn't horror, but, really, isn't the scariest thing imaginable a Juggalo with unwashed hands handling your McDouble on the assembly line at McDonald's? It is for me, because it just happened. I found a long green hair in my fries as well. Either way, I'm looking forward to the self-esteem building entertainment I'm sure that Rustlas will supply and, as an added bonus, when the BGH gang covers it on the podcast, I'd like to sit in. Clown make-up optional, fellas!

In Real People News: 

If you're trading cigarettes for intercourse, do you really expect it to be any good? Really? I've had sex for money—both as the customer and the merchant—and, let me tell you, even that is kinda empty and hollow; just giving up that strange for some smokes, well, that ain't gonna make the dingle tingle. But tell that to these two chicks in Tennessee who are being charged with making a false rape claim because they “didn't enjoy the sex”. And while women making false rape claims is quite disconcerting, I wanna know how to get into contact with these girls: I've got a carton of Newports, a raging hard-on and incredibly low standards!

It seems that even America's most lovable boogeyman, Osama Bin Laden, is jumping on the Al Gore bandwagon and coming out against “climate change” . In a new audiotape, he blasts (not literally, surprisingly) America for hunger, desertification and floods. This is thought to be the first in a series of his “green-tips”. The next one? “Instead of buying new materials to make your suicide bomb, why not use recycled materials...oh, wait...”

On this day in history: 

In 1916, Paris is bombed by German zeppelins. Meanwhile, this morning, I'm getting bombed while listening to Led Zeppelin. Wake 'n' bake, bros!

Horror Headlines: Friday January 22nd, 2010

I love doing the news for BGH. I really do. But I hate waking up in the morning to do it. Waking up early is a white people thing. “Hey Bruce, what'ya doin' today?” “Why, I'm getting' up early, Steve!” You never hear Mexicans talk like that. As a Mexican, I can tell you from experience that the only thing a Mexican gets up early for is free taco day at the food stamps office. That's where I was this morning! Andele! Arriba, arriba! (shoots two pistols into the air)

Jason Momoa has been signed to star in Marcus Nispel's upcoming reimagining of “Conan The Barbarian”.While I am excited that a new Conan flick is on the horizon, don't you think he should look more like a Boris Vallejo painting and less like a dreadlocked hippie douchebag playing guitar while selling vegan burritos outside a Widespread Panic concert?

It looks like “Ghostbusters 3” is going to be in 3-D. Well, that's disheartening! Is sad to think that a movie of this legendary comedic pedigree, in order to sell it to idiotic audiences in this day and age, needs to resort to this irritatingly faddy 3-D upsurge. What's next? Justin Beiber as the newest recruit? A ghost who Tweets? Slimer relaxing with a Kindle??

Sam Jackson and Josh Duhamel are supposed to star in the next big angels vs. demons horror-thriller “Sympathy for the Devil”. In other news, Asylum has started rolling on the similarly-themed “(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction” starring Mario Van Peebles and Chad Lowe.

In Real People News: 

Music industry has-beens Quincy Jones and Lionel Richie, in a bid to gain some sort of opportunistic relevance, are coming together to write and record a new version of “We Are the World” for the victims of that Haiti thing. How much you wanna bet the Black Eyed Peas are gonna be on the front row? That's gonna date it quicker than a Cyndi Lauper solo! Instead of wasting your time caring about the redux, why not instead enjoy this highly offensive version from a Japanese variety show?

Want something that's going to haunt your nightmares? In Turkey, a sheep gave birth to a lamb...WITH A HUMAN FACE! AHHHHHHGHGHGH!!!! Isn't this a sign of the end times in the “Book of Revelations”??? If not, it should be!

Meet America's first legal male prostitute! He's a “well-read college dropout” who charges $300 an hour. Hey, I'm a well-read college dropout...how come I can barely get a free lunch out of my clients? Oh, yeah...the gut. I forgot. :(

On this day in history: 

In 1992, Rebel forces occupy Zaire's national radio station in Kinshasa and broadcast a demand for the government's resignation. Then, if that weren't bad enough, things got really dicey when Brendan Fraser and his band, the Lone Rangers, force the DJ to play their demo tape on the air in a bid to get a record deal.

Horror Headlines: Friday December 18th, 2009

Well hello there. Louis here, back for Fowler Fridays, the special little crumb I get here on BGH. I was originally planning on not making my return until the first of the the new year, because, well, next week is Christmas and I don't know if we'll be doing the news or not. I'm gonna venture on not. And, then the week after that, it's New Year's Day. Where will I be getting my ego-boosting Internet-attention from??? If not for you guys, I'd be in a constant fetal position, using my arm as a tear-soaked pillow.

The big news of the day? Genre screenwriter Dan O'Bannon is dead. Sure, he's most famous for coming up with Alien, writing Lifeforce and directing Return of the Living Dead, but, for me, his best work was Total Recall. My favorite scene? When Sharon Stone tells Arnold not to shoot her in the head because they're “married”, but he shoots her anyway and says “Consider that the divorce!”. I hope to use that line one day, preferably when I shoot my wife.

Laurence Fishburne has joined the cast of Robert Rodriguez's upcoming Predators. I still await the news that he's been cast as Butterball in my urban remake of Hellraiser, affectionately title Black Hellraiser. “He's Pinhead's Black Soul Brother! A screamin' demon rages inside, turnin' him into Black Pinhead! Don't give him no sass or he'll kick yo' ass! Rated R! Under 17… bring yo' mama, she'll like it too!”

In Real People News: 

A new study finds that the chemicals in plastics are altering the brains of males, making them “more feminine”. Maybe that explains why all the grown men in my Twitter are constantly going on about the Goddamned Muppets.

According to a source close to Angelina Jolie, she “hates” Obama. And, suddenly, I really like Angelina Jolie.

A pair of lovable pugs feast on their owner's body when the douchebag cry-baby committed suicide. Good for those pugs! If you are the type of loser to give up and commit suicide, at least have the decency to give your pets to someone to watch. In other news, those dogs now have the insatiable craving for blood.

On this day in history: 

In 1996, the Oakland school board recognizes “Ebonics” as an official language. We wish you a Merry Kwanzaa and a happy failed public-school education!

Horror Headlines: Friday, November 13th, 2009

So I went to see a midnight screening of 2012 last night. While this movie is wholly idiotic and about three hours long, it was made even more interminable by the wannabe-black frat-boy douche behind me that wouldn't shut up. About an hour in, I lost it, stood up and told him to “Shut the fuck up or I'll bash your fucking brains in!”. Normally, I like to think of myself as a level-headed fella, but talking during a movie is one of the few things that will drive me over the edge into violence. What ever happened to cinematic politeness and respect for others?

Paul WS Anderson is back on Castlevania. God, does anyone really care anymore? At this point I'd be happy if Uwe Boll made the damn thing just so we can quit reporting on it.

In other Paul WS Anderson news, a prequel to last year's (INSANELY AWESOME) Death Race is in the writing stages. It will focus on the early years of Frank...oh, wait a minute...yep, Paul WS Anderson is off the project...no, hold on...OK. He's back on.

Hey, if you were going to pen a remake of the 1980s horror classic Fright Night, wouldn't your first pick be some chick who regularly writes episodes of Private Practice and Grey's Anatomy? No? WELL THAT'S WHY YOU'RE NOT A HOLLYWOOD STUDIO EXECUTIVE, YOU WORTHLESS PILE OF SHIT.

In Real People News: 

A Salt Lake City homeowner set up various traps to catch a local burglar. The thief, a certain Mr. Joseph Pesci, wiped paint and feathers out of his eyes and vowed to “Get that Goddamn Kevin McCallister!” as he was being led away by cops.

Russian Prime Minister Putin won the respect of the Russian hip-hop community at a recent party. Not from his hip-hop skills, mind you, but for passing out free loaves of bread. IN MOTHER RUSSIA, THERE AIN'T NO PARTY LIKE THE SOCIALIST PARTY 'CAUSE THE SOCIALIST PARTY WILL SHOOT YOU FOR DISSENTION! WHAT A COUNTRY!

On this day in history: 

n 2005, Andrew Stimpson, a 25-year old British man, is reported as the first person proven to have been "cured" of HIV. Sadly, he was killed two days later, by, ironically enough, a bus full of AIDS patients.

Alright. And, on that note, I hope you enjoyed today's Fowler Friday, because I am off next week. I'll be at Horrorhound Weekend, representing with Mark and Casey. Come up and say “hi”. If you're lucky, maybe even Colin Farrell will show up and spray you with beer that is being use to simulate an ejaculating penis. OI, SLAG OFF YA WANKERS.

Horror Headlines: Friday November 6th, 2009

Thanks God this Halloween crap is over. Why don't horror fans get as excited about Thanksgiving? I'll take turkey and potatoes any day over bullshit candy. Grow up, people. Put on some khakis, that sweater your grandma made you and give thanks that we live in a country that allows a pathetic, 30-year-old man the right to spend $300 at a Halloween store for a crappy Freddy outfit that they are way too fat to wear. Amen. Pass the stuffing.

Zombieland? No, STAKE LAND, you dumb bitch! With the exception of the stupid tagline-- “A road movie...with teeth!” -- I think this might be cool. But, seriously, what is the deal with vampire film promotions and the use of the cliches “...with teeth!” or “...with bite!” Do you think that, the PR people, when sitting around in their offices, shooting wads of paper into a waste-basket with a basketball hoop over it, stumbling over one tagline after another that doesn't work, when they hit upon the “teeth” thing they high-five each other and snort coke off each other's balls in a celebratory circle-jerk because they think that they are the first ones to come up with it? They probably do.

Amy Heckerling, the has-been director of “Fast Times at Ridgemont High”, “Clueless” and some other shit, has signed on to direct the vampire romantic comedy “Vamps”, about “two young female vampires living the good life in New York until love enters the picture and each has to make a choice that will jeopardize their immort....”, oh shit, sorry, I just got my period all over the place. And on the day I chose to wear white pants!

Notorious schillers Bloody Disgusting have proclaimed that no-hit wonder Richard Kelly's “The Box” is “sure to deliver in more ways than one”. I learned this after trying to figure out how to close the annoying, full-screen roll-over ad for the damn movie, with absolutely no success. I ended up just opening another window to look at another site as the trailer continued to screen without any hope of skipping it. I think that, right now, we should all get on our knees and thank Eric and Mark for creating a website with no roll-over ads, pop-up ads or reviews based on how much the advertisers pay us. On the other hand, DRINK PEPSI, THE CHOICE OF A NEW GENERATION!

In Real People News: 

A Denver Blockbuster video employee stabbed himself in the leg to get out of work because he was afraid of getting written up for his torn work-pants. Whatever happened to faking diarrhea? Hell, I almost faked diarrhea just to get out of writing today's news!

Have you ever wanted to die, just to see how people at your funeral would react? A Brazilian bricklayer, thought to have been killed an a car-crash days earlier, showed up at his own funeral. According to witnesses, a loud “DUN-DUN-DUNNNN!” played on the soundtrack while an aged dowager proclaimed “Gasp and swoon, I've got the vapors!” while passing out in the most dramatic way possible.

A Dallas Cowboys cheerleader is in deep diarrhea after donning black-face to complete a Li'l Wayne costume. When are white people gonna learn that there's no place for black-face in today's culture, especially when entertainers like Li'l Wayne do a good enough job of putting it on themselves?

On this day in history: 

In 1918, The Second Polish Republic is proclaimed in Poland. The celebration was put on hold though as the country's citizens were unable to get out from inside their locked cars. Don't get me started on the screen-door submarine fleet! POLISH!

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