Horror Headlines: February 19th, 2010

When you see me at HHW in Indy here in a few weeks, chances are, by 10 PM, me and the gang are gonna be pretty wasted. Let's make no bones about it. The difference this year? I've decided to say sayonara to those wonderful Midori Sours and, instead, will be getting' down and dirty with Lone Star beer and a couple of bottles of Jim Beam. I've been listening to a lot of Hank Williams Jr. lately and it's time I man up, God dammit. (Of course, if Southern rock band Molly Hatchet shows up, I'll switch to Southern Comfort and the South will probably rise again.) Here's to alcohol poisoning in a strange city!

Let's start the news this morning with a well-deserved laugh: the new Fangoria blog. LOL. Oh, how the mighty have fallen! Some people say that this ultra-basic blog is the death-rattle, some people say it's a possible rebirth. I kinda hope it's like a guy who's been in a serious car-wreck and has severe brain-damage, leaving him a drooling imbecile who has no real motor functions but is still, sadly, barely alive for years and years, becoming a drain on their friends and family who secretly wish that he would just die so they can move on with their lives, causing brutal inner turmoil inside them because they know that it's wrong to think of their loved one like that. Kinda like that.

Over at Dread Central, they score a nice coup with a short interview with Rider Strong, star of Cabin Fever and, more importantly, Boy Meets World. And while he does a serviceable job discussing the Cabin Fever legacy, not once do they ask him about motorboating Topanga's big fat juggs. Seriously...face aside, I could plant a flag on that pasty chest and proclaim it as the property of Spain. My God...did you see her in National Lampoon's Dorm Daze? That movie gave me arthritis, if you know what I mean.

Five-headed mangina Joss Whedon and hipster documentarian Morgan Spurlock are teaming up to make what is going to be the most ironic, annoying and patronizing documentary ever about the San Diego Comic-Con. Let's place bets right now that the man-mammed Whedon stuffs the thing with scantly-clad “Slave Leias” and then uses some sort of pseudo-feminist BS to make viewers think that what they're watching isn't Maxim-level jerk-off material. Meanwhile, Spurlock will comb his handlebar mustache with a PBR can.

In Real People News: 

Elton John, in next Sunday's long-running, elderly-beloved, free newspaper insert Parade, claims that Jesus was “gay”. When reached for comment, Jesus said “People still read Parade? Really?”

As a response to the recent spate of recalled Toyota cars, Toyota president Akio Toyoda said he will testify at a congressional hearing next week. His defense? “Ah so...mya penis is-a veddy veddy tiny! And-a yours is-ta veddy veddy big! Super big USA penis yankee number one!”

In Prague, a trio of doctors accidentally left a foot-long medical tool inside a woman's abdomen. The doctors—Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine and Dr. Howard, respectively—were said to have acted completely unprofessional during the procedure, using a comically large mallet as an anesthetic tool, constantly fighting each other during the operation—including one doctor poking another in the eyes and calling him a “numbskull”—and, somehow, causing a pie-fight in the operating theater.

On this day in history: 

In 1846, Texas officially became a part of the United States. Texans plan on celebrating by executing a handful of mentally-handicapped kids on Death Row while firing off six-shooters in large vats of bold 'n' spicy chili.

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