fowler fridays

After 31 years, bloated indie-studio Miramax has closed it doors for good. Now, as many horror fans know, Miramax was the home of the genre-label Dimension Films, which brought us such classics as Phantoms, Highlander III and The Crow: Wicked Prayer, among others. The good news is that when Miramax founders Bob and Harvey Weinstein left the company, they took Dimension with them. The bad news? Now those guys new film group, the Weinstein Company, is on the verge of bankruptcy! If they go out of business, who'll make all those shitty Hellraiser and Scary Movie sequels? The answer? ME.

Yo, cheap-ass horror movie rentaz! Listen up! So this bullshit with Redbox is about to get even more real, son! First, you'll have to wait 28 days to rent Warner titles. Ain't that some noise, son??? Now, here come the wackest blow: most Redboxes are stocked by franchisees who purchase titles from Target or Best Buy. Because of this, stores are initiating a five-copy-per-customer limit on all titles. AWWWW HELL NAW, SON! How'm I gonna rent Saw 6 with that brotha who played Eddie Winslow on Family Matters? Thanks, Redbox! Now I'ma gonna download that shit, son!

Speaking of uneducated wiggas, the Insane Clown Posse are back with... a western. Yep. Fresh off the success of the ultra-gory Death Racers, the dimesack duo have upped the ante and lowered the bar even further with Big Money Rustlas. Now I know this isn't horror, but, really, isn't the scariest thing imaginable a Juggalo with unwashed hands handling your McDouble on the assembly line at McDonald's? It is for me, because it just happened. I found a long green hair in my fries as well. Either way, I'm looking forward to the self-esteem building entertainment I'm sure that Rustlas will supply and, as an added bonus, when the BGH gang covers it on the podcast, I'd like to sit in. Clown make-up optional, fellas!

Jason Momoa has been signed to star in Marcus Nispel's upcoming reimagining of “Conan The Barbarian”.While I am excited that a new Conan flick is on the horizon, don't you think he should look more like a Boris Vallejo painting and less like a dreadlocked hippie douchebag playing guitar while selling vegan burritos outside a Widespread Panic concert?

It looks like “Ghostbusters 3” is going to be in 3-D. Well, that's disheartening! Is sad to think that a movie of this legendary comedic pedigree, in order to sell it to idiotic audiences in this day and age, needs to resort to this irritatingly faddy 3-D upsurge. What's next? Justin Beiber as the newest recruit? A ghost who Tweets? Slimer relaxing with a Kindle??

Sam Jackson and Josh Duhamel are supposed to star in the next big angels vs. demons horror-thriller “Sympathy for the Devil”. In other news, Asylum has started rolling on the similarly-themed “(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction” starring Mario Van Peebles and Chad Lowe.

The big news of the day? Genre screenwriter Dan O'Bannon is dead. Sure, he's most famous for coming up with Alien, writing Lifeforce and directing Return of the Living Dead, but, for me, his best work was Total Recall. My favorite scene? When Sharon Stone tells Arnold not to shoot her in the head because they're “married”, but he shoots her anyway and says “Consider that the divorce!”. I hope to use that line one day, preferably when I shoot my wife.

Laurence Fishburne has joined the cast of Robert Rodriguez's upcoming Predators. I still await the news that he's been cast as Butterball in my urban remake of Hellraiser, affectionately title Black Hellraiser. “He's Pinhead's Black Soul Brother! A screamin' demon rages inside, turnin' him into Black Pinhead! Don't give him no sass or he'll kick yo' ass! Rated R! Under 17… bring yo' mama, she'll like it too!”

Paul WS Anderson is back on Castlevania. God, does anyone really care anymore? At this point I'd be happy if Uwe Boll made the damn thing just so we can quit reporting on it.

In other Paul WS Anderson news, a prequel to last year's (INSANELY AWESOME) Death Race is in the writing stages. It will focus on the early years of Frank...oh, wait a minute...yep, Paul WS Anderson is off the, hold on...OK. He's back on.

Hey, if you were going to pen a remake of the 1980s horror classic Fright Night, wouldn't your first pick be some chick who regularly writes episodes of Private Practice and Grey's Anatomy? No? WELL THAT'S WHY YOU'RE NOT A HOLLYWOOD STUDIO EXECUTIVE, YOU WORTHLESS PILE OF SHIT.

Zombieland? No, STAKE LAND, you dumb bitch! With the exception of the stupid tagline-- “A road movie...with teeth!” -- I think this might be cool. But, seriously, what is the deal with vampire film promotions and the use of the cliches “...with teeth!” or “...with bite!” Do you think that, the PR people, when sitting around in their offices, shooting wads of paper into a waste-basket with a basketball hoop over it, stumbling over one tagline after another that doesn't work, when they hit upon the “teeth” thing they high-five each other and snort coke off each other's balls in a celebratory circle-jerk because they think that they are the first ones to come up with it? They probably do.

Amy Heckerling, the has-been director of “Fast Times at Ridgemont High”, “Clueless” and some other shit, has signed on to direct the vampire romantic comedy “Vamps”, about “two young female vampires living the good life in New York until love enters the picture and each has to make a choice that will jeopardize their immort....”, oh shit, sorry, I just got my period all over the place. And on the day I chose to wear white pants!

Notorious schillers Bloody Disgusting have proclaimed that no-hit wonder Richard Kelly's “The Box” is “sure to deliver in more ways than one”. I learned this after trying to figure out how to close the annoying, full-screen roll-over ad for the damn movie, with absolutely no success. I ended up just opening another window to look at another site as the trailer continued to screen without any hope of skipping it. I think that, right now, we should all get on our knees and thank Eric and Mark for creating a website with no roll-over ads, pop-up ads or reviews based on how much the advertisers pay us. On the other hand, DRINK PEPSI, THE CHOICE OF A NEW GENERATION!