Horror Headlines: Friday January 29th, 2010

OK. I'm trying something new. It's about 1 AM right now and I am going to write the news now, and I'll go back and proof it in the morning. This is a plan that's gotta work. But what if something HUGE happens overnight, like, say, Robert Englund casually drops a Freddy reference at a convention or Bruce Campbell says there's not going to be an Evil Dead 4 while at a book signing? Let's be honest: just about every other site will be covering that ad nauseam anyway, so, really, what can I add to it that, I don't know, Cousin Freaky over at DreadfulDisgusting.com will rant and rave over? Let 'em have it, I say! (Edit:: It worked! It's 8:27 AM and I'm going to have the news in before 9! I'm a winner!)

After 31 years, bloated indie-studio Miramax has closed it doors for good. Now, as many horror fans know, Miramax was the home of the genre-label Dimension Films, which brought us such classics as Phantoms, Highlander III and The Crow: Wicked Prayer, among others. The good news is that when Miramax founders Bob and Harvey Weinstein left the company, they took Dimension with them. The bad news? Now those guys new film group, the Weinstein Company, is on the verge of bankruptcy! If they go out of business, who'll make all those shitty Hellraiser and Scary Movie sequels? The answer? ME.

Yo, cheap-ass horror movie rentaz! Listen up! So this bullshit with Redbox is about to get even more real, son! First, you'll have to wait 28 days to rent Warner titles. Ain't that some noise, son??? Now, here come the wackest blow: most Redboxes are stocked by franchisees who purchase titles from Target or Best Buy. Because of this, stores are initiating a five-copy-per-customer limit on all titles. AWWWW HELL NAW, SON! How'm I gonna rent Saw 6 with that brotha who played Eddie Winslow on Family Matters? Thanks, Redbox! Now I'ma gonna download that shit, son!

Speaking of uneducated wiggas, the Insane Clown Posse are back with... a western. Yep. Fresh off the success of the ultra-gory Death Racers, the dimesack duo have upped the ante and lowered the bar even further with Big Money Rustlas. Now I know this isn't horror, but, really, isn't the scariest thing imaginable a Juggalo with unwashed hands handling your McDouble on the assembly line at McDonald's? It is for me, because it just happened. I found a long green hair in my fries as well. Either way, I'm looking forward to the self-esteem building entertainment I'm sure that Rustlas will supply and, as an added bonus, when the BGH gang covers it on the podcast, I'd like to sit in. Clown make-up optional, fellas!

In Real People News: 

If you're trading cigarettes for intercourse, do you really expect it to be any good? Really? I've had sex for money—both as the customer and the merchant—and, let me tell you, even that is kinda empty and hollow; just giving up that strange for some smokes, well, that ain't gonna make the dingle tingle. But tell that to these two chicks in Tennessee who are being charged with making a false rape claim because they “didn't enjoy the sex”. And while women making false rape claims is quite disconcerting, I wanna know how to get into contact with these girls: I've got a carton of Newports, a raging hard-on and incredibly low standards!

It seems that even America's most lovable boogeyman, Osama Bin Laden, is jumping on the Al Gore bandwagon and coming out against “climate change” . In a new audiotape, he blasts (not literally, surprisingly) America for hunger, desertification and floods. This is thought to be the first in a series of his “green-tips”. The next one? “Instead of buying new materials to make your suicide bomb, why not use recycled materials...oh, wait...”

On this day in history: 

In 1916, Paris is bombed by German zeppelins. Meanwhile, this morning, I'm getting bombed while listening to Led Zeppelin. Wake 'n' bake, bros!

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