Colin Hanks

Horror Headlines: Thursday, September 8th, 2011

About a week before season 5 ended Showtime started promoting season 6 of
"Dexter" but on October 6th we finally get some new action. In preparation of this event the Show people have released a brand spanking new promo clip and I'm not going to lie Mos Def and Colin Hanks have my sexy parts all a buzz with excitement. Not in a weird way. A completely natural way. Get your mind out of the gutter.

"Warm Bodies" is a book by Mr. Isaac Marion about a zombie in love with a living girl and it looks like good old John Malkovich has signed on to a play the role of the bad guy in the big screen adaptation. I've never read the book so that's all I got. Please note your bill does not include tip.

Oh you go to hell Hollywood. You go to hell and die! It looks like there's some rumblings in the valley that the next installment of the "Friday the 13th" series is being reworked to use found footage. Nothing's been confirmed yet and a script hasn't been sold so let's all hold hands and pray this doesn't happen. Why yes I do use moisturizer. Thank you for noticing.

I don't think anyone knows what to make of "The Thing" prequel yet but if the new clip that was just released is any indication it looks like the flick will be loaded with crappy jump scares. Well alright maybe some people know what to make of it. The rest of us are still trying to figure out how to watch a video on this stupid iPad. It's like a really expensive coaster.

In Real People News: 

Man it's been a while since we've seen a good "the devil made me do it" story and what better way to get back into the swing of things than with a guy who claims he attacked a cop with a spatula for that very reason. It really feels like all is right in the world again. Do you think they'll bring back "Deadwood" now?

And here's a man in Massachusetts who stabbed a kid with a pair of chopsticks.... yes he's Asian... you racist pricks.

Horror Headlines: Monday June 13th, 2011

Fun fact about Colin Hanks, my wife would leave me for him without giving it a second thought. I know, it hurts me to think about it too. So here's the first trailer for "Lucky" in which Hanks plays a serial killer who strikes it big by winning the lottery. While it looks good I'm not sure how I can watch it with my better half while I know she'd rather be sitting on the couch with him watching a movie about me. Or just sitting on the couch with him. Point is Hanks is a home wrecker.

I'm still not sure this is real but it looks like there may in fact me a "Killer Klowns From Outer Space" sequel in the works. The movie, currently being called "Return of the Killer Klowns From Outer Space" will of course be in 3D and feature much of the original cast from the 1988 classic. If you tell me this is getting a wide release then I know it's bullshit. And I'll also laugh because you said "release".

The U.K. alien invasion comedy "Attack the Block" will finally make its way across the pond on July 29th and even be available in selected theaters. I hope they put subtitles into the movie. Or at the very least CGI in coffee over all the tea that i assume is being drunk in the movie.

If you watched "Laid to rest" for 15 minutes before turning it off like I did then you'll be completely indifferent to the first trailer for "ChromeSkull: Laid to Rest 2". The sequel which will hit DVD and Blu-Ray on September 20th follows the the happenings of the apprentice of our original slasher on his exciting birthing into the world of murder. I make it sound pretty hot, don't I?

In Real People News: 

Douglas Brian Irvin Jr. who apparently had a number of bit parts in films including "The Hangover" has been arrested for impersonating a cop and forcing women to have sex with him under the threat of going to jail. It's got to be a bad point in an actors career when they realize they have a better chance of getting a girl by pretending to be a cop rather then talking about the movies you've been in.

And here's a heartwarming story about some college kids in New Zealand who etched a giant penis into their colleges lawn two years ago and have now discovered it was actually picked up on Google earth. Dream big kids, dream so freakin big that Google earth captures your giant dream penis.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday May 25th, 2011

"Let Me In" Wunder-Director Matt Reeves has signed on to tackle the Frankenstein flick "This Dark Endeavor" based on the book with the same name. The film is just the latest in a long line of Frankenstein based films to be announced which means 2012 could very much be the year of the reanimated dead. Neck bolts are going to be soooo hot, I can just feel it.

The latest name to be added to the cast of "Dexter" season 6 is none other than Edward James Olmos. Colin Hanks and Mos Def have already been signed on and I can only assume that the addition of Olmos means that Dexter will be moving to a rough inner city and Olmos will play a teacher who shows him the powers of math. That's not racist, he did it in "Stand and Deliver".

So many people have been added to the cast of "Hunger Games" that I have officially forgotten what the movie is even about and now that Lenny Kravitz is on board I just want to punch it right in the face. I'm kidding, it's about two areas that send children to battle each other. I'm not kidding about the punching in the face though, Lenny Kravitz is a prick.

If you're like me then you spend most of your time as a bachelor paying strange women to break into your home, tie you up and torture you for two hours. Well good news fellow deviants, the movie "Kidnapped" is everything you've dreamt of and more and there's a new trailer out for the film to prove it. Of course I don't believe there's any sort of safe word involved in this, so that could get sketchy.

In Real People News: 

A North Carolina man is under arrest after he walked into his local Salvation Army, took off his pants and sat down on a couch with all his goodness hanging out for the world to see. Of course the obvious question here is how much is the couch discounted now that it's all covered in creepy old man juices.

Must be open season for showing your genitals in North Carolina because here's another guy who was so pissed off that his local Bojangles ran out of fried chicken that he decided to whip his bits out and show the woman working at the drive-thru window. I have no idea how that solves the chicken problem but I like his enthusiasm.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday May 10th, 2011

Charlie Hunnam, who you might know from "Sons of Anarchy" AKA the only show still keeping me a man, has signed on to Guillermo del Toro's "Pacific Rim". The movie will be set in a future where giant monsters threaten to destroy the earth. Hunnam will most likely play some dreamy hunk who saves the day and I will most likely have to turn to my wife every time he's on screen and ask her what the hell she's looking at.

Speaking of men my wife would leave me for, Colin Hanks had signed on to the cast of season 6 of "Dexter". No word on what sort of role Hanks will play in the upcoming season that airs in October but if I'm a betting man I'd say he'll be the ying to Dexter's yang. No I don't understand what that means either.

Absolutely no one is excited about "Night of the Living Dead 3D: Re-Animation" but yet it's still being made and now there's trailers to prove it. Wait did you say you wanted to see Sarah Palin impersonations 3 years after they were relevant? No?! Well you're getting them anyway. God bless America.

The latest director's name to be tossed into the "Leatherface 3D" hat is John Luessenhop and from his IMDB page I can confirm he owns at least one awesome suit. The film will pick up directly where the original remake of the original (confused?) left off and then will jump ahead 35 years. That may or may not put them in the future. I'm awful with numbers.

In Real People News: 

A Tennessee women is under arrest after leaving her 8 year old son home alone. In her defense she did leave a movie on for the little bugger. Her big mistake though was picking a movie that was too short because once the film ended her son picked up the phone and dialed 911. Always put on "The Godfather" trilogy when you abandon your kids. I can't stress that enough.

A 16 year old cheerleader in Texas has been charged a $45,000 fine after she refused to cheer for the two students that allegedly raped her. She was kicked off the squad after she refused and her parents immediately filed a lawsuit against the school. The fine comes from the court that called the lawsuit frivolous and fined in favor of the school. So that's a nice story.

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