Because literature and filmmaking are different disciplines that utilize different skills in order to create fear and dread in audiences, it is rare that a skilled artisan from one field can effectively transition into the other (anyone remember Stephen King’s directing on “Maximum Overdrive”). A rare exception to the case is that of novelist/screenwriter/director Clive Barker.
I know I said I'd write the news again and I know I super didn't write the news yesterday but just to be clear I did write it Sunday night and then accidentally hit the back button before saving my post. So technically I did write it, just no one saw it. It was my funniest ever. A lot funnier than today's. Sorry folks.
For those of you who don't subscribe to Showtime or don't know how to illegally download TV shows off the internet like most of America you'll be excited to know that "Dexter" is finally coming to Netflix streaming on October 31st. Well to be more accurate seasons 1 through 5 will be coming to Netflix on the 31st and the rest of the seasons will hit on January 1st. So come January 2nd there will be a whole new crop of people complaining about how the show ended. Happy holidays.
I never remember what movies Neill Blomkamp has made but I do remember always thinking his name sounds like one of those insane sexual acts that no one ever really does but people seem to all know about. What a dirty dirty man. And apparently Sigourney Weaver is a dirty girl because she's signed on to his next film titled "Chappie". No word on what role she'll play but the film is about a robot with mad crazy artificial intelligence skills who gets kidnapped by a couple of gangsters. Kind of like "Short Circuit" but without all of the comedy and an Italian guy doing a terrible Indian accent.
Last week I broke the exclusive news that Clive Barker would be personally writing the script for the upcoming "Hellraiser" remake. I know, I was kind of shocked when he chose me to be the one person he told. Of course he also asked me not to tell anyone else and now we're fighting but it was kind of worth it ya know? Plus, that guy loves an Edible Arrangement so I'm pretty sure I can make it up to him pretty easily. The point I'm getting to here is that he told some other people that the film will in fact be rated R. So now I'm telling you.
Kevin Tancharoen has apparently been onboard to direct the "Mortal Kombat" reboot for about 3 years now. He's decided to leave the project though. Cause ya, it's been 3 years or something. I don't know, I lost interest in stuff after about a week. Case in point the frequency of these news posts. Just saying.
Here's a heartwarming story about a woman in China who met a sweet man online and eventually liked him so much that she arranged a sexy meet up with him, to have sexy sex that is. Only a couple of problems here though. First, she was married and second she had actually arranged to have sex with her father in law by mistake. What's worse is her husband found the emails she was sending and turned up at the hotel to break up the meeting. Oh I bet they all had a good laugh over that mix up.
Alright so its been a solid 2 weeks. I know you were all worried, but I have a good explanation. See I was surfing around the internet and found this video of a show I went to over 11 years ago. Just look at it. People going all ape shit and being awful. I remember leaving the concert covered in other people's sweat. Sounds awful, right?
I was gaga over this "You're Next" when it was in theaters a few months back. Mostly because I like looping songs, masks and Craig T. Nelson. Well good news for me and everyone else who likes awsome things because it's just been announced that the home invasion flick will hit Blu-Ray and other homeless-people-medias on January 14th. The disc will come with a making-of featurette, two commentary tracks and god knows what else. Just to be clear Craig T. Nelson is not in this movie. I just really like him.
Clive Barker has dropped the bomb that he will in fact write the script for the upcoming "Hellraiser" remake. Want to get moister? The original Pinhead himself Doug Bradley will reprise his role. Want to get moister!? I'm wearing one of those old-timey pajama numbers where the bottom flips down so you can make BM. Alright that last one was a lie, but I kind of wanted to see what sort of sick crap you're into. Sinner.
Andre Ovredal created "Troll Hunter" and because I loved that movie and all things Norwegian I want to be his best friend. I now know why he isn't returning my letters though, it's because he's working on "The Autopsy of Jane Doe", a new film about a father son mortuary team who begin to unravel the mystery surrounding a Jane Doe they receive. No word on a cast yet but the project is set to begin filming in London shortly. Alright, I haven't really written him or anything. No one writes letters anymore. They UPS hair dolls.
Tim Daly, Mario van Peebles, Cody Christian and Willa Ford have all been confirmed to be joining the cast of Steven C. Miller's "Submerged". I read the plot to this film a good 4 times but I really just kept thinking about how I think Willa Ford is probably 300 years old now and is still hot. How is that possible? Wasn't she a pop star back in the 90's? What the hell is going on? Wait no, she's 32. That's younger than I am and I'm hideous. This has taken a terrible turn.
Two high school students in Georgia are in big trouble after they were video taped making dirty dirty in their school cafeteria. Once again proving the point that I went to the worst god damn high school in the world. Plus, I was fat in hIgh school. Plus, I listen to metal and had long hair. Plus, I hate you all.
Why the hell not? It looks like Sonar Entertainment and Panacea Entertainment are teaming up to create a new TV series based on the "Hellraiser" franchise. Nothing has actually been written or sold to anyone but if all goes well you'll be seeing Pinhead on Fox Family next Fall.
The "Leprechaun" reboot is finally getting some traction today, dropping the news that it will be titled "Leprechaun: Origins" and has a little leading man in the form of Hornswoggle. Apparently that's a wrestler and I have no idea what his real name is but based on the amount of twitter action I saw this past Sunday during Wrestlemania 95% of our readers have semis right now.
I don't know about you but I loved "The Woman in Black". I want to open mouth kiss it at inspiration point. So now I'm excited for the three way I'm going to have in the back of my Honda CRV because a sequel has just been announced. "The Woman in Black: Angels of Death" will pick up 40 years after the first film and is being penned by Jon Croker who worked as the story editor on the first film. Alright I know you can't have sex with a movie. A guy can dream though can't he?
Get excited, kids! "We Need to Talk About Kevin", everyone's favorite "my son is an asshole" flick is coming to Blu-Ray and DVD on May 29th. That's all I got. Please tip your waiter.
In Real People News:
Listen up you little white trash toddlers! Here's a story about a Louisiana man who died at a Wrestlemania party this past weekend after his cousin put him in a choke hold. I have no idea how you little scamps are still alive.
"Hellraiser: Revelations" is confirmed to start filming next month and will in fact not be a remake of the original classic, which is apparently still on the table. This one will be a small budget continuation of the Hellraiser franchise and will most likely go direct to video. Small budget meaning they can only afford four nails for Pinhead's face. Hey, time are tough for everyone.
1998 - Retaliating for deadly embassy bombings in East Africa, the United States launched cruise missile strikes against al-Qaida training camps in Afghanistan and what was described as a chemical plant in Sudan.
Good news UK fans, on Halloween night you can finally get the chance to see "Paranormal Activity". It will only be Midnight screenings that night, with a wide release planned for November. Then the film will roll out in other parts of Europe and Latin America following that.