Horror Headlines: Friday October 24th, 2013

Alright so its been a solid 2 weeks. I know you were all worried, but I have a good explanation. See I was surfing around the internet and found this video of a show I went to over 11 years ago. Just look at it. People going all ape shit and being awful. I remember leaving the concert covered in other people's sweat. Sounds awful, right? Anyway, I started to think about how awesome and hardcore I used to be and then I started thinking about how I sometimes get strange chest pains and how I'm on high blood pressure medicine. Then I started crying in the bathroom for a while. Then I got better and didn't write the news for a couple weeks. Good story huh? I'm glad we can all move on.

I was gaga over this "You're Next" when it was in theaters a few months back. Mostly because I like looping songs, masks and Craig T. Nelson. Well good news for me and everyone else who likes awsome things because it's just been announced that the home invasion flick will hit Blu-Ray and other homeless-people-medias on January 14th. The disc will come with a making-of featurette, two commentary tracks and god knows what else. Just to be clear Craig T. Nelson is not in this movie. I just really like him.

Clive Barker has dropped the bomb that he will in fact write the script for the upcoming "Hellraiser" remake. Want to get moister? The original Pinhead himself Doug Bradley will reprise his role. Want to get moister!? I'm wearing one of those old-timey pajama numbers where the bottom flips down so you can make BM. Alright that last one was a lie, but I kind of wanted to see what sort of sick crap you're into. Sinner.

Andre Ovredal created "Troll Hunter" and because I loved that movie and all things Norwegian I want to be his best friend. I now know why he isn't returning my letters though, it's because he's working on "The Autopsy of Jane Doe", a new film about a father son mortuary team who begin to unravel the mystery surrounding a Jane Doe they receive. No word on a cast yet but the project is set to begin filming in London shortly. Alright, I haven't really written him or anything. No one writes letters anymore. They UPS hair dolls.

Tim Daly, Mario van Peebles, Cody Christian and Willa Ford have all been confirmed to be joining the cast of Steven C. Miller's "Submerged". I read the plot to this film a good 4 times but I really just kept thinking about how I think Willa Ford is probably 300 years old now and is still hot. How is that possible? Wasn't she a pop star back in the 90's? What the hell is going on? Wait no, she's 32. That's younger than I am and I'm hideous. This has taken a terrible turn.

In Real People News: 

Yes, the man who accidentally set himself on fire while trying to set up a burning cross was from Florida. I thought that was a given.

Two high school students in Georgia are in big trouble after they were video taped making dirty dirty in their school cafeteria. Once again proving the point that I went to the worst god damn high school in the world. Plus, I was fat in hIgh school. Plus, I listen to metal and had long hair. Plus, I hate you all.

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