guillermo del toro

Horror Headlines: Monday July 25th, 2011

The website for the Guillermo del Toro co-written frightfest "Don't Be Afraid Of the Dark" has hit the tubes for your time wasting enjoyment. Normally I wouldn't give a crap about a website launch but this one is actually pretty cool. Spooky voices that whisper your name and some hot webcam action make it all kinds of fun. Although it's probably going to be a giant let down after I built it up with promises of "hot webcam action".

All kind of news around "The Walking Dead" seems to be flying out of Comic-Con and probably the most exciting is that season 2 now officially has a premiere date of Sunday, October 16. The second most exciting thing is that a trailer for the upcoming season has been released. Third most exciting is a bunch of stills. Fourth most exciting is that to date I have not been notified that I won't be signed on to the cast for season 3.

AMC has officially announced a four part mini-series based on Stephan King's "Bag of Bones", a story that focuses on a man haunted by the loss of his wife. Pierce Brosnan and Anabeth Gish are both confirmed for the project which begins filming next month. Proof once again that if you wait long enough every book will be turned into moving pictures. The point here is reading is dumb.

The first trailer for the live action role playing kiddnapping succubus flick (seriously) "Knights of Badassdom" has hit the net thanks to all things Comic-Con and it looks hella good, son. Do people still say hella good? Ya know, like that No Doubt song? Is No Doubt still popular? They broke up?! Oh god.

In Real People News: 

A 29 year old Connecticut women is under arrest after forcing her 4 year old son and 10 month old daughter to drink beer and ingest cocaine. According to the woman her son "likes Natural Ice beer and Budweiser, but doesn’t like the taste of Dog Bite." I promise you this, my newborn daughter will never drink that crap. She'll only drink good beer.

A 39 year old Louisiana man is facing charges after sexting photos of his erect manhood to 5 female real estate agents whose contact info he got off of signs. This is great to know because I myself am currently doing some apartment hunting and just assumed this kind of thing was a perfectly normal part of doing business.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday June 21st, 2011

Fans of the first two "Hellboy" films might want to cover up their cereal bowls because I'm about to piss all over your Wheaties. According to Hellboy creator Mike Mignola there's no chance of director Guillermo del Toro ever returning to make a third film. So i guess that does mean a 3rd film could be made without del Toro but who the hell wants to see that. The Canadians maybe but not this guy. Those hockey rioting sickos would probably eat that crap up with ketchup.

For those of you who aren't complete burnouts an can remember all the way back to 2004 you might remember some pretty bold words from Danny Elfman about never working with Sam Raimi again after his experience on "Spiderman 2". Well it looks like the Elf Man has had a change of heart and has signed on to do the score of Sam's new "Wizard of OZ" inspired flick "OZ: The Great and Powerful". So good news for those of you who are still holding out for an Oingo Boingo reunion.

Remember the days when people actually enjoyed Wes Craven's movies? Well I do and you should respect your elders you snotty little smartass. Anyway his 1977 classic film "The Hills Have Eyes" is finally being given the Blu-Ray treatment and will hit shelves on September 6th. So far no word on extras yet but this might be a nice place to record a little apology for "My Soul to Take".

If you're like me then you're still washing your eyes our with soap and water after seeing a Kane Hodder sex scene in "Hatchet 2". But here's a new slasher flick staring the Hodster as a creepy gas station owner who also seems to be obsessed with women titled "Exit 33". The flick has just been given an August 2nd release date and I can't imagine we'll see any hot Hodder action in it but if we do it'll most likely be in a gas station bathroom. Can you imagine what that would smell like?

In Real People News: 

How the hell did they not think of this sooner? The fine people at New York's LaGuardia Airport have put in a place a new plan to take geese that are in the way of planes taking off and ship them off to Pennsylvania. What happens to them there? They're slaughtered, cooked and fed to homeless people! I hope the cook is wearing a loin cloth and listening to Viking metal while he throws the geese into the oven. That's the only way this could be more awesome.

And here's a story about Chinese scientists who have come up with a new genetically modified cow that can produce milk that's similar to human breast milk. No clue as to when something like this would become available but there's a 100% chance I will accidentally buy this and put it on my Lucky Charms.

Horror Headlines: Friday June 17th, 2011

The premiere we've all been waiting for is finally here my friends! Yes of course I speak of Rob Zombie's Woolite commercial and much to my surprise it looks like... well if Rob Zombie did a commercial for a laundry detergent. Shocking I know. Look for our podcast on the commercial coming in the next few weeks.

Looks like the good people behind the upcoming flick "Mansion of Blood" don't have nearly as much patience as the folks behind "The Gingerdead Man" films because they just shit canned Gary Busy from the lead role. Apparently Busy had already filmed about half of his scenes but his pain in the assness became too much and he was booted.

I love me some Guillermo Del Toro but I swear to Jesus if you break up "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" there will be hell to pay. Rumor has it that Del Toro is in talks with Sunny's Charlie Day to play a role in his upcoming monsters attack earth flick "Pacific Rim" which is set for a 2013 release. Then again there's a new season of Sunny coming out in between then and if it sucks like the last one did then he can go ahead and do whatever the hell he wants.

99% of horror comedies are neither funny nor scary and guess what folks, the upcoming Halloween romp "Fun Size" will not break the mold. How do I know this? Because Chelsea Handler has just been cast in the movie and she's not funny. If you think she is you're wrong and I'm sorry. Just because she's kind of pretty and swears a lot doesn't make her hilarious. Trust me, I pay $75 a ticket to watch her talk about diddling herself for an hour at Radio City Music Hall and I didn't crack a smile once. You drop $150 bucks and all of the sudden a goofy smile and low cut shirt isn't so funny. Learn from my mistakes!

In Real People News: 

Everyone likes a little show with their dinner, that's a fact. But when the little show ends up sending you to the hospital the fun ends. Such is the case for a group of diners in Florida who had to be rushed to the hospital after a banana foster preparation went all too wrong and burned a number of diners. Always order pudding people, no one gets hurt with pudding.

And here's a story about a 29 year old woman in Washington who is under arrest after she attacked her boyfriend's genitals with a knife during a fight. And that's all I can say about this without getting dizzy.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday May 31st, 2011

The Guillermo del Toro produced and co-written film "Don't Be Afraid of the Dark" has been kicking around for so long I honestly thought I saw and loved it 2 years ago. Of course I spent 3 years in the jungle surviving mostly on peyote and strange mushrooms so I'm not sure which memories are real anymore. But a full trailer has hit the net and honestly it looks even better then I remember it. I think.

Tom Savini has decided to dust off his makeup tools and come out of retirement to work on a couple of Australian independent horror films. "Redd Inc" is a revenge film that focuses on an online stripper who gets kidnapped and "Mary Doe" is about a woman who gets lost in the desert and finds herself smack dab in the middle of a zombie outbreak. Of course now that he's doing FX again we can only hope Savini decides to dust off the golden speedo one more time. The world needs it now more than ever.

If you're excited for this Sunday's premier of "True Blood" Season 4 than I'm sad to report you are officially off my Christmas card list. But while you sob about that loss you can check out the first 3 minutes of the new episode. I didn't watch it but I assume it's full of ridiculous accents and dry humping. The formula apparently works well.

Word around campus is an TV mini-series adaptation of Stephen King's "Bag of Bones" could begin filming as early as July. The book follows a man who returns to his summer home after the loss of his wife to try to break his writer's block. Unfortunately his wife's ghost isn't done with him yet and things don't go according to plan. Women, they'll even nag ya from the grave! Am I right, fellas? Is this thing on?

In Real People News: 

Jackpot Sanitation is a company in Las Vegas that specializes in port-o-potties, among other things. That makes that fact that one of their former managers is now possibly facing charges for urinating in another employee's drinks on a number of occasions. I can't imagine the "I couldn't find anyplace else to go" defense is going to fly.

A woman in Washington was recently hiking with her friends and decided to shoot some video of the exciting action. When she got home and reviewed the clips she realized she may have actually gotten video of Bigfoot himself. After viewing the video though I can confirm this whole thing is ridiculous. I've seen Bigfoot on a number of occasions and it's a giant truck not some hunched over freak. Stupid hippies.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday May 10th, 2011

Charlie Hunnam, who you might know from "Sons of Anarchy" AKA the only show still keeping me a man, has signed on to Guillermo del Toro's "Pacific Rim". The movie will be set in a future where giant monsters threaten to destroy the earth. Hunnam will most likely play some dreamy hunk who saves the day and I will most likely have to turn to my wife every time he's on screen and ask her what the hell she's looking at.

Speaking of men my wife would leave me for, Colin Hanks had signed on to the cast of season 6 of "Dexter". No word on what sort of role Hanks will play in the upcoming season that airs in October but if I'm a betting man I'd say he'll be the ying to Dexter's yang. No I don't understand what that means either.

Absolutely no one is excited about "Night of the Living Dead 3D: Re-Animation" but yet it's still being made and now there's trailers to prove it. Wait did you say you wanted to see Sarah Palin impersonations 3 years after they were relevant? No?! Well you're getting them anyway. God bless America.

The latest director's name to be tossed into the "Leatherface 3D" hat is John Luessenhop and from his IMDB page I can confirm he owns at least one awesome suit. The film will pick up directly where the original remake of the original (confused?) left off and then will jump ahead 35 years. That may or may not put them in the future. I'm awful with numbers.

In Real People News: 

A Tennessee women is under arrest after leaving her 8 year old son home alone. In her defense she did leave a movie on for the little bugger. Her big mistake though was picking a movie that was too short because once the film ended her son picked up the phone and dialed 911. Always put on "The Godfather" trilogy when you abandon your kids. I can't stress that enough.

A 16 year old cheerleader in Texas has been charged a $45,000 fine after she refused to cheer for the two students that allegedly raped her. She was kicked off the squad after she refused and her parents immediately filed a lawsuit against the school. The fine comes from the court that called the lawsuit frivolous and fined in favor of the school. So that's a nice story.

Horror Headlines: Monday December 13th, 2010

Anne Hathaway and James McAvoy are rumored to be up for the roles of Elizabeth and Darcy in the upcoming big screen version of "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies". I have no idea who those characters are so I couldn't tell you if this is a good idea or not. I also can't remember who James McAvoy is but I do enjoy the work of that girl from "The Princess Diaries".

Guillermo del Toro apparently has 30 different movies in production and now he's got a video game. The game is called "inSANE" and there's a teaser on the nets even though the game doesn't come out until 2013. There's no game footage, no hint about what the game is and really no info whatsoever but hey, Guillermo del Toro, right? Right.

I am not the least bit ashamed to admit I watch "Glee" and by far my favorite character on the show is Brittney played by Heather Morris. Well, Morris is now rumored to be the front runner for the upcoming "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" reboot which means I may actually want to see it. Of course that's only if she plays a cheerleader with a pretty hefty learning disability. I think that's what the original Buffy was about anyway though, right?

If you're going to call your movie "Roid Rage" you should probably have some high school football players who go nuts and start murdering everyone. But the trailer for the film shows none of that, not even a Barry bonds reference. I'm starting to think the movie doesn't even have steroids in it. All of this would be shameful if it wasn't for the great one liner at the 54 second mark. I don't want to spoil it for you.

In Real People News: 

Police intercepted a number of packages wrapped as Christmas gifts on their way to New Haven Connecticut because they contained over 110 pounds of marijuana. Is it still illegal if Santa sends it? I feel like this should be the time of year where they let this kind of thing slide.

Honestly if you're going to run an article about a man who got arrested for driving drunk while watching porn you should probably put his name in the first sentence. It wasn't until the third line that I was convinced this wasn't about me. Even if it was in Indiana I still think it could have been.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday October 12th, 2010

Miramax is pushing the release date of Guillermo del Toro's "Don't Be Afraid of the Dark" to sometime in January because of changes in ownership at the company. Normally I'd say this means the film is going to be a pile of doodie but it looks awesome so I'm confused. What does it all mean, Hollywood?!

Jamie Kennedy is going to be producing a horror/comedy currently titled "Granny". There's even a promo clip already made for the flick and it was created over a couple hours in a grocery store parking lot. So there's the quality we're shooting for folks.

For those of you across the pond The Prince Charles Cinema will be screening the critically acclaimed film "Big Tits Zombie". What's better is if you dress up as a "Big Tit Zombie" you'll get in free. Everyone else you're going to have to pay your own way.

Finally, for those of you in the NYC area or who are just a fan of good things in general the NYC Village Halloween Parade needs your help. The organizers are looking for donations to help keep the parade alive and if you don't donate you're pretty much saying you hate Halloween. Is that what you want me to think?

In Real People News: 

An Arizona man was stabbed last week after he denied his blood to his Vampire roommate. Man, that really sucks huh? Get it? Sucks! Vampires? I'm here all week folks.

On this day in history: 

1810 - The German festival Oktoberfest was first held in Munich to celebrate the wedding of Bavarian Crown Prince Ludwig and Princess Therese of Saxe-Hildburghausen.

Horror Headlines: Friday September 24th, 2010

There's some new photos from "Scream 4" online and it might just be me but Courteney Cox is slowly starting to look like the Ghostface guy. I think I just figured out the ending! They're twins separated at birth. Genius!

Guillermo del Toro is keeping his fingers crossed that he can cast Ron Perlman in his next flick, "At The Mountains Of Madness". The film is based on the H. P. Lovecraft novella of the same name and will apparently be in full on 3D. Ron Perlman in 3D? Get ready ladies!

Chloe Moretz, who you know from "Kick Ass" and "Let Me In" has landed the lead role in the upcoming big screen adaptation of the popular comic book "Emily the Strange". Exciting news for her, but even more exciting news for us in 10 years when she starts doing smack and goes off the deep end. I can't wait!

In Real People News: 

With all the blood sucking, porn like sex scenes and foul language I'm a little confused as to why this didn't happen sooner. "Sesame Street" will be doing a parody of "True Blood" called "True Mud" for it's new season which starts next week. Muppet Vampire sex, think about it.

On this day in history: 

1996 - The United States and the world's other major nuclear powers signed a treaty to end all testing and development of nuclear weapons.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday September 22nd, 2010

Is there a "True Blood" movie coming in the near future? Apparently theirs rumors that creator Alan Ball and HBO are already in talks to bring the vampire hit that I watch on a weekly basis despite hating myself after to the big screen. I can't wait to see it and then cry about it after.

A new trailer for Simon Rumley's "Red, White & Blue" has popped up on the tubes and after watching it I feel like I need a shower. So I've decided to make a sarcastic comment about the "Iron Man 2" trailer that I had to watch before it rather then relive the trauma I felt. Man that Gwyneth Paltrow really looks like she's hooked on smack or something am I right? I think I'm right.

For those of you lucky enough to be in the London area, and I'm starting to think 75% of our readers are, you've got a one time chance to see Guillermo del Toro introduce and discuss his 1993 film "Cronos". The event is part of the Midnight Movies series and will take place on October 9th.

John Goodman has been added to the cast of Kevin Smith's "Red State". The film is about a bunch of kids fighting a group of crazed conservatives and Jon Goodman is not going to change the fact that I have no desire to see it. Honestly it was either this or I was going to tell you about 75 new "Saw 3D" images so you're welcome.

In Real People News: 

A man in Kentucky is claiming that too much caffeine actually caused him to unknowingly strangle his spouse. Which explains a lot because after my third cup of coffee in the morning I get enraged at the thought of you people not appreciating my news. I'll kill you!

On this day in history: 

1934 - An explosion takes place at Gresford Colliery in Wales, leading to the deaths of 266 miners and rescuers.

Horror Headlines: Thursday July 29th, 2010

Another 3D poster for the upcoming "Saw 3D" film has popped up and it's everything you'd ever want and more. Just in case you forgot the producers wanted to make sure you know that "Saw 3D" will be the most 3D movie to ever grace the 3D screens in your 3D theater... 3D.

According to The Hollywood Reporter those nutty Weinstein's are still very much full steam ahead with remakes of "Hellraiser" and "Children of the Corn". Not enough for you? Well how about another "Scary Movie" for you to LOL at? There, I thought that would make you feel better.

Rumor has it that Timur Bekmambetov might be taking the directors role for the upcoming "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter" film. The only other film I've seen of his is "Wanted" and I kind of liked it so sorry I just don't have anything sarcastic to say about this one.

Guillermo del Toro sat down with the kids over at MTV to talk about his ideas for the new "The Haunted Mansion" film which was recently announced at Comic-Con. I'm going to go ahead an apologize now for pretty much talking about it every time Del Toro takes a dump until this movie comes out.

In Real People News: 

I'll admit I'm a dumb guy and know nothing about planning a wedding. But I'm pretty sure I know more about it than the couple in Huston who scheduled their wedding in the Museum of Natural Science at the same time that the museum's "corpse flower" is scheduled to bloom.

And here's another reason why having kids is a bad idea. A 12 year old in New York called 911 to report that her mother was drunk driving. Sure the kid may of saved some lives by doing so but at the end of the day no one likes a snitch.

On this day in history: 

1945 - A U.S. Army bomber crashed into the 79th floor of New York City's Empire State Building, killing 14 people.

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