furries

Horror Headlines: Friday October 30th, 2009

I just booked my plane tickets for Horrorhound Weekend in Cincinnati, November 20-22. Not only am I really hoping that that one dude who has the $10 bootlegs that was at Indianapolis will be there again, I am really looking forward to being around fat people again, especially the BBWs. You bring the vaginal lubrication, I'll bring the hot tub.

I am looking everywhere for horror news. Everywhere. With the exception of something with Ashley Olsen called “Beastly”, there's no news. None. Oh, there's plenty of news about Anthony Hopkins playing Odin in the “Thor” adaptation, or that “Men in Black 3” is moving forward, but nothing that is remotely horror related. Um... Cameron Diaz might be remaking Mel Gibson's “What Women Want”. That's pretty damn scary. “Twilight” is getting re-released in theaters. UGH.

I know that some of you are probably freaking out right now, but, you know... BREATHE. It'll be okay. Here's an idea: how about trying out some new genre this weekend? You're life can't all be horror and, if it is, chances are you're highly unemployable. Why not try a nice romantic comedy? I watched “The Proposal” the other night and found it absolutely delightful!

Or, even better...how about turning off the TV and taking your puppy to the dog park? Yeah! Get off your fat, unwashed ass and cavort and frolic with your loving pet. He could die at any minute. Do you want the guilt of having this loyal companion die of loneliness while you watch “Evil Dead 2” for the 30th time? Don't have a dog, volunteer at an animal shelter. DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE, YOU FUCKING WASTE OF SPACE.

In Real People News: 

Doctors in the Ching-chong province of China are “baffled” by a young girl's skin becoming rapidly covered in soft, black and gray cat-like fur. While in America furries proclaim this a total “cream dream”, they were ultimately saddened to learn that the girl has already been cooked and eaten with stir-fry vegetables and spring rolls. Ah so!

Bulgarian police have seized 110 pounds of heroin hidden in cans of sauerkraut. In related news, I'm going to Bulgaria. (No, seriously. Have your tried heroin? That shit is the bomb. It is really relaxing and calming....so peaceful. It's really easy to become addicted to, so you need to pace yourself and have immense will power. The best thing to do is to save it for the weekend, maybe a Saturday night or Sunday afternoon. Put on an Eagles record and let the pale horses run.)

Singer-songwriter Sting believes that Obama was “sent from God”. Just when you think Sting couldn't become anymore irrelevant, he goes and surprises you. Why doesn't he just cut out the middle-man and change his name to Phil Collins?

On this day in history: 

In 1996, the Odwalla company officials withdrew their products from over 4,600 stores after an outbreak of E. Coli in their apple juice, which in the end sickened over 60 people and killed one. Oddly enough, I drank one of these things a few days ago and practically shit my guts out.

Horror Headlines: Friday July 10th, 2009

So you almost got two days of Louis this week. Almost. You see, Eric emailed me early yesterday morning saying that he had swine flu or something and would I do the news. That's great, but I didn't wake up until a little after noon. I then had some leftover pot roast. And then I considered rubbing one out, but instead decided on another helping of pot roast. By the time I checked my email, it was two in the afternoon and I had officially failed at life. Depressed, I went back to bed and just woke up right now. So I slept like over 30 hours. Here's your news!

Over at our distinguished competition, Dread Central, they have announced that, along with something called Home Media Magazine, that they are launching the “Reaper Awards”. The “judges” are veritable who's who in the horror mag/blog community—so they're no one important in real life—and they promise to “honor horror films as they are meant to be seen – raw and uncensored.” For a preview of this year's “best picture” winner, keep watching the sidebars and pop-ups of Dread Central for who ever is paying for the most ad-space—so far the winner is “The Unborn”, which is now available on DVD!

Earlier this week, Eric reported about Stephen Norrington and his upcoming re-imagining/remake/redux/reboot of “The Crow”. Apparently, in addition to that, him and Stephen Dorff are working on a prequel to “Blade”—a prequel trilogy, no less—featuring the origin and history of, no, not Blade, but Deacon Frost, the good-looking hipster vamp played by Dorff in the first film. That's like creating a trilogy based around the history of, say, Doctor Octopus before he became Doctor Octopus. Mark my words: this movie will never, ever get made. If anything, it was probably just some late-night pillow talk between Norrington and Dorff. But they can dream...

Merry Old England is releasing their first ever 3-D horror film, titled, whimsically enough, “Elfie Hopkins and the Gammons”. Based on the British novel “I Gots Gribblesnorts In Me Pockets!”, filmgoers will thrill to the sight of Shepard's Pie, bad teeth, the loss of the original thirteen colonies, Margaret Thatcher and a skinhead soccer hooligan coming right off the screen and head-butting them in patented “Fook Off You Wanker-vision!” The first two-hundred viewers will also get a free Dixie Cup of warm, stale Guinness.

As you may know, coming straight to video is “Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever” and apparently “Hostel Part 3”. While frat-splat director Eli Roth will not be involved with these sequels, he'll completely admit to “double-teaming some Kappa Pi bitch” at last weekend's “Sigma Epsilon Night to Remember Beer-Bash for Cystic Fibrosis”, which he sealed with a high-five and a “Fuck yeah, bro!” as he downed his sixth Natty L this morning. His eyebrows had no comment.

In Real People News: 

I live in Fort Collins, Colorado. While we have more hippies than horror-fans, we seem to have an overabundance of furries. Just picture it...people dressed in animal costumes, sweating like a mascot in the hot August sun, rubbing their stinky, dreadlocked genitals against each other...maybe this is what people talk about when they say that if we legalize gay marriage, next we'll make marriage to animals legal, because I can seriously see some of these guys doing that. Gays, I think you know where to direct your anger at! Either way, a local furry woman, Richael Michels, 45, who resembles a trashy truck-stop ocelot, gave paw-jobs to an underage furry she met at, yes, the Fort Collins Furmeet. Local furries have come out against her actions, but not against rubbing their boners inside a scratching post while no one's looking at PetSmart. Even worse, some parent is going to read these articles and realize what a total sexual loser they have raised.

You might call it disrespectful, but I think that reselling grave-plots not only shows real initiative and ingenuity, but it's also a great way to “go green”. Literally. Regardless, why is everyone so mad? It's not like your dead loved ones really care where they're buried...unless they are still alive, in which case, double props to the property owners for double checking! Don't hate the player, hate the game!

On this day in history: 

In 1796, German mathematician and scientist Carl Friedrich Gauss discovered that “every positive integer is representable as a sum of at most three triangular numbers”. He didn't have time to bask in the glory, however, as his head was quickly shoved in the toilet and his pantaloons stretched up his crack by three jocks chanting “Nerd! Nerd! Nerd!”.

Have a great weekend everyone, see you next Friday. Until then, keep your feet on the ground, and keep reaching for the stars!

Horror Headlines: Thursday June 4th, 2009

While Eric's away, Casey will play! So here I am with today's Horror Headlines!

The first teaser trailer for [REC]2 has arrived and it's a doozy! It looks like more of the same, but there is definitely some good action going here. Later in the day three clips were posted from the new film that are notable for a complete lack of excitement.

Tobin Bell confirms there is an eighth "Saw" movie planned and doesn't deny a ninth. He also failed to acknowledge the dead horse in the room that he was continually beating during the interview. Bell next's reprisal of his Jigsaw role is in the upcoming "Saw" video game, now being shown at E3.

Marking yet another promising creative team to leave the franchise, "Martyrs" director Pascal Laugier is no longer helming the "Hellraiser" remake. There was no reason given but it seems that this remake is quickly becoming a comedy of errors.

In bizarro reboot news, Courtney Cox-Arquette and David Arquette have signed on to the "Scream" reboot. Earlier rumors also pointed to Jamie Kennedy reprising his role. Could this be a first: a remake with the same cast? Do-over!

The first shots of Josh Brolin as Jonah Hex arrive online. They seem rather subdued when compared to the Thomas Jane pics that surfaced last year before Brolin was cast.

In Real People News: 

A Washington furry is sentenced to 30 days in jail for having sex with his two dogs. As Austin Powers would say, "Grrr baby, grrr..."

Tired of worrying about the police and DUI's after his nights at the pub, an Australian man has broken a Zebra to ride back and forth to the bar. Functional and stylish!

Canadian thieves steal 144 kegs of beer. In related news, the whereabouts of our resident beer aficionado and staff writer Joe are currently unknown.

On this day in history: 

1942 – The Battle of Midway begins when Japanese Admiral Chuichi Nagumo orders a strike on Midway Island.

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