Horror Headlines: Friday October 30th, 2009
I just booked my plane tickets for Horrorhound Weekend in Cincinnati, November 20-22. Not only am I really hoping that that one dude who has the $10 bootlegs that was at Indianapolis will be there again, I am really looking forward to being around fat people again, especially the BBWs. You bring the vaginal lubrication, I'll bring the hot tub.
I am looking everywhere for horror news. Everywhere. With the exception of something with Ashley Olsen called “Beastly”, there's no news. None. Oh, there's plenty of news about Anthony Hopkins playing Odin in the “Thor” adaptation, or that “Men in Black 3” is moving forward, but nothing that is remotely horror related. Um... Cameron Diaz might be remaking Mel Gibson's “What Women Want”. That's pretty damn scary. “Twilight” is getting re-released in theaters. UGH.
I know that some of you are probably freaking out right now, but, you know... BREATHE. It'll be okay. Here's an idea: how about trying out some new genre this weekend? You're life can't all be horror and, if it is, chances are you're highly unemployable. Why not try a nice romantic comedy? I watched “The Proposal” the other night and found it absolutely delightful!
Or, even better...how about turning off the TV and taking your puppy to the dog park? Yeah! Get off your fat, unwashed ass and cavort and frolic with your loving pet. He could die at any minute. Do you want the guilt of having this loyal companion die of loneliness while you watch “Evil Dead 2” for the 30th time? Don't have a dog, volunteer at an animal shelter. DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE, YOU FUCKING WASTE OF SPACE.
Doctors in the Ching-chong province of China are “baffled” by a young girl's skin becoming rapidly covered in soft, black and gray cat-like fur. While in America furries proclaim this a total “cream dream”, they were ultimately saddened to learn that the girl has already been cooked and eaten with stir-fry vegetables and spring rolls. Ah so!
Bulgarian police have seized 110 pounds of heroin hidden in cans of sauerkraut. In related news, I'm going to Bulgaria. (No, seriously. Have your tried heroin? That shit is the bomb. It is really relaxing and calming....so peaceful. It's really easy to become addicted to, so you need to pace yourself and have immense will power. The best thing to do is to save it for the weekend, maybe a Saturday night or Sunday afternoon. Put on an Eagles record and let the pale horses run.)
Singer-songwriter Sting believes that Obama was “sent from God”. Just when you think Sting couldn't become anymore irrelevant, he goes and surprises you. Why doesn't he just cut out the middle-man and change his name to Phil Collins?