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Horror Headlines: Friday December 18th, 2009

Well hello there. Louis here, back for Fowler Fridays, the special little crumb I get here on BGH. I was originally planning on not making my return until the first of the the new year, because, well, next week is Christmas and I don't know if we'll be doing the news or not. I'm gonna venture on not. And, then the week after that, it's New Year's Day. Where will I be getting my ego-boosting Internet-attention from??? If not for you guys, I'd be in a constant fetal position, using my arm as a tear-soaked pillow.

The big news of the day? Genre screenwriter Dan O'Bannon is dead. Sure, he's most famous for coming up with Alien, writing Lifeforce and directing Return of the Living Dead, but, for me, his best work was Total Recall. My favorite scene? When Sharon Stone tells Arnold not to shoot her in the head because they're “married”, but he shoots her anyway and says “Consider that the divorce!”. I hope to use that line one day, preferably when I shoot my wife.

Laurence Fishburne has joined the cast of Robert Rodriguez's upcoming Predators. I still await the news that he's been cast as Butterball in my urban remake of Hellraiser, affectionately title Black Hellraiser. “He's Pinhead's Black Soul Brother! A screamin' demon rages inside, turnin' him into Black Pinhead! Don't give him no sass or he'll kick yo' ass! Rated R! Under 17… bring yo' mama, she'll like it too!”

In Real People News: 

A new study finds that the chemicals in plastics are altering the brains of males, making them “more feminine”. Maybe that explains why all the grown men in my Twitter are constantly going on about the Goddamned Muppets.

According to a source close to Angelina Jolie, she “hates” Obama. And, suddenly, I really like Angelina Jolie.

A pair of lovable pugs feast on their owner's body when the douchebag cry-baby committed suicide. Good for those pugs! If you are the type of loser to give up and commit suicide, at least have the decency to give your pets to someone to watch. In other news, those dogs now have the insatiable craving for blood.

On this day in history: 

In 1996, the Oakland school board recognizes “Ebonics” as an official language. We wish you a Merry Kwanzaa and a happy failed public-school education!

Horror Headlines: Friday October 30th, 2009

I just booked my plane tickets for Horrorhound Weekend in Cincinnati, November 20-22. Not only am I really hoping that that one dude who has the $10 bootlegs that was at Indianapolis will be there again, I am really looking forward to being around fat people again, especially the BBWs. You bring the vaginal lubrication, I'll bring the hot tub.

I am looking everywhere for horror news. Everywhere. With the exception of something with Ashley Olsen called “Beastly”, there's no news. None. Oh, there's plenty of news about Anthony Hopkins playing Odin in the “Thor” adaptation, or that “Men in Black 3” is moving forward, but nothing that is remotely horror related. Um... Cameron Diaz might be remaking Mel Gibson's “What Women Want”. That's pretty damn scary. “Twilight” is getting re-released in theaters. UGH.

I know that some of you are probably freaking out right now, but, you know... BREATHE. It'll be okay. Here's an idea: how about trying out some new genre this weekend? You're life can't all be horror and, if it is, chances are you're highly unemployable. Why not try a nice romantic comedy? I watched “The Proposal” the other night and found it absolutely delightful!

Or, even better...how about turning off the TV and taking your puppy to the dog park? Yeah! Get off your fat, unwashed ass and cavort and frolic with your loving pet. He could die at any minute. Do you want the guilt of having this loyal companion die of loneliness while you watch “Evil Dead 2” for the 30th time? Don't have a dog, volunteer at an animal shelter. DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE, YOU FUCKING WASTE OF SPACE.

In Real People News: 

Doctors in the Ching-chong province of China are “baffled” by a young girl's skin becoming rapidly covered in soft, black and gray cat-like fur. While in America furries proclaim this a total “cream dream”, they were ultimately saddened to learn that the girl has already been cooked and eaten with stir-fry vegetables and spring rolls. Ah so!

Bulgarian police have seized 110 pounds of heroin hidden in cans of sauerkraut. In related news, I'm going to Bulgaria. (No, seriously. Have your tried heroin? That shit is the bomb. It is really relaxing and calming....so peaceful. It's really easy to become addicted to, so you need to pace yourself and have immense will power. The best thing to do is to save it for the weekend, maybe a Saturday night or Sunday afternoon. Put on an Eagles record and let the pale horses run.)

Singer-songwriter Sting believes that Obama was “sent from God”. Just when you think Sting couldn't become anymore irrelevant, he goes and surprises you. Why doesn't he just cut out the middle-man and change his name to Phil Collins?

On this day in history: 

In 1996, the Odwalla company officials withdrew their products from over 4,600 stores after an outbreak of E. Coli in their apple juice, which in the end sickened over 60 people and killed one. Oddly enough, I drank one of these things a few days ago and practically shit my guts out.

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