men in black 3

Horror Headlines: Monday, December 12th, 2011

How the hell can there be a trailer for a movie that doesn't come out for 5 months?! Someone needs to explain this to me. But here's the first trailer for "Men In Black 3" which doesn't come out till May 25th. I assume the DVD will be released sometime in April though so look for that.

So there's an "American psycho" remake coming obviously and today we've got some exciting news on who might be taking the lead role of Patrick Bateman. Or really I should say who novelist Bret Easton Ellis is demanding take the role or he isn't going to sign off on the film. Who does he want? Scott Disick or Miles Fisher of course. For those of you keeping track at home that's the guy who's married to one of the Kardashian's or the guy who played Tom Cruise in "Superhero Movie". It's so hard to choose, maybe both of them can split the movie.

If there's one thing the world needs more of it's vampire/comedy/horror/romance/revenge flicks. Oh and there's also some signs that lead me to believe that "Bloodsucka Jones" might be a soft core porn. But other than that the trailer looks awesome. Or maybe I should say because of that the trailer looks awesome. I don't know. I'm not god!

I don't even know what to say about this. Here's a bunch of stills and a trailer for the new zombie flick fresh out of Taiwan called "Zombie 108". Alright I'll be honest it doesn't look that crazy or anything, standard run of the mill end of the world zombie take over movie, but I'm really tired and I really have no idea what to say. I'm a giant let down I know.

In Real People News: 

Home made penis enlargements never seem to work. Trust me! But here's a guy in New Jersey who's girlfriend took it upon herself to give him one and he died. Now she's in jail with a bunch of women and no penises. Should have been happy with what you had, sister.

And here's a heartwarming story about a Florida family who stole the Christmas decorations of their neighbor's yard and set them up in their own. Needless to say they got caught. Santa is always watching.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday, November 29th, 2011

I just waited through a 7 minute advertisement for some video game that gave me seizures to watch the new trailer for "Jurassic Shark". I regret nothing. The movie stars Emanuelle Carriere, who much to my surprise did not get her start in those late night Skinemax movies I watch, and is about a giant prehistoric shark that returns to bring death and destruction to a bunch of girls wearing next to nothing. I know, I'm excited too.

I know what you're thinking, why the hell isn't there a "Poltergeist" remake out there? I know you so well. Well good news kids because Roy Lee, the producer who brought you "The Strangers" and "Quarantine" says a reboot is very much a goal of his and hopes to have it out in the world sometime next year. I'm trying to track down his home address so you can go thank him personally. I'll let you know what I find, there's a lot of Lee's out there.

I refuse to explain to you the plot of "Silent Night Of the Living Dead" but I will tell you that both AJ Bowen and Tom Savini have joined the cast. I know it's tough love but come on, it's a play on the classic zombie flick and a Christmas song. What the hell don't you get? God do I have to wipe your ass too?

I'm not going to lie, I'm pretty excited about "Men In black 3". I don't know what it is but as my age gets up there I'm finding Will Smith more and more enjoyable. I'm just as surprised as you are! Anyway here's a look at the first poster for the film that is scheduled to hit theaters in May of 2012. Have you watched "Wild Wild West" lately? Seriously it's not that bad.

In Real People News: 

As a new father I can fully understand the value of a good deal. So it's not surprise to me when I hear stories about people going nuts on black Friday. Alright maybe some of the stories are a surprise, like this one about a bunch of shoppers in West Virginia who stepped over a dying man in order to get to their shopping. That's a little surprising.

And if you needed a little more proof that the world is coming to an end here's a story about a man who was dressed up as Frosty the Snow Man during a Christmas parade who was arrested for harassing police to "catch him if they can". The sky is falling.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday June 1st, 2011

In a world of crappy remakes I was fairly happy to see that the trailer for the upcoming "Fright Night" re-telling didn't look like complete crap. Well now we've got our first clip from the vampire classic and it looks pretty... well kind of creepy and not in a good way. No vampires, no blood and no screams. Nope, just Colin Farrell tellin' a kid that his mom is in heat. Sexy.

If you live anywhere near New York City you have no doubt heard the constant crying from the locals about the filming of "Men in Black 3". Apparently the explosions make it hard to listen to their crappy indie rock records and that just won't fly. Well a few pictures from the set have hit the tubes and honestly I have no idea what part of the city these are from but I assume there's a pale man wearing owl rimmed glasses just out of the shot cursing Will Smith.

I've completely given up on reporting anything about "The Hunger Games" because I'm pretty sure by the end of this month just about everyone who's got a page on IMDB will be attached to the film. But now Donald Sutherland has been cast as the President of one of the nations that must send it's youngsters to battle it out. That's all for now though, the only way I'll mention any more casting about this movie is if they finally put me in it.

A gaggle of new posters have dropped for the new creepy stalker film "388 Arletta Avenue" and they're emoticon-riffic. It's a new saying and it's going to be bigger than "wazzup!". The move is shot from hidden cameras that are being operated by a creeper who's following the daily activities of a young couple. I have done the exact same thing to my neighbors for the past 3 years and if you haven't stalked someone before you're really missing out on something that's truly rewarding. Start now! You'll thank me later.

In Real People News: 

If you're trying to break the stereotype that wrestling is just two guys rolling around on the floor with each other you might not want to spend your time in the locker room slapping your teammates with your penis. Which is just what 4 teens in Wisconsin are being brought up on charges of sexual harassment for. This makes me wonder if the tickle fights that the wrestling team in my high school had when I was younger could have been considered a no no too.

A 22 year old women in Florida is under arrest after she gave her kid a few solid smacks after she discovered her daughter ate her stash of pot. Everyone knows you don't have to hit a kid if they eat your pot, you just have to shave their head and smoke their hair. That's parenting 101.

Horror Headlines: Thursday March 3rd, 2011

People hate reading, it's a fact. Unless of course the words are written by a sarcastic little scamp in New Jersey and they include images of giant apes who run the world. Luckily for the world I'm here and there's also these new "Planet of the Apes" comic books which tell a lovely story that takes place before the original 1968 classic. You're welcome world.

David Koepp has been brought in to do major work on the script of "Men in Black III" which apparently is a bit of a shit show right now. Apparently the original script had a full on hardcore sex scene between Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones. Rumor has it it actually called for close ups of penetration and everything. Shocking. Oh I'm kidding there was just some light necking and I guess that's staying in.

Sometimes you read the description of a film and you just say out loud on the bus "Yes, this makes sense!" Then the people on the bus look at you weird and you lose your bus pass rights. But it's worth it because the world is going to get "Black River" which stars former wrestler Hulk Hogan as a serial killer. Need more? "Diamond" Dallas Page is coming along for the ride! Just feels right doesn't it?

I've got to say, this new film from Canada titled "The Corridor" looks pretty freakin good. I know! From Canada of all places. Little America did something good that didn't include maple syrup! The movie focuses around a group of friends who reunite after loosing touch for a weekend in the woods. A strange happening though has them turning on each other and questioning reality. And drinking a lot of maple syrup I'm guessing.

In Real People News: 

A 58 year old woman in California is suing a 99 cents store after she slipped and fell on a banana peel in the store. No jokes here folks. This is serious stuff.

Northwestern University recently held a special seminar on sexual fetishes that included a women getting nude and using a vibrator on herself. Keep in mind this was not mandatory for students and also completely free. This makes it both well within the school's conduct code and more importantly a crap load cheaper than what you have to pay to see something like this on 8th avenue.

Horror Headlines: Friday October 15th, 2010

I had always thought "Drive Angry" was a documentary about my road trip to Canada three years ago but based on the new trailer it's got nothing to do with that. The 3D flick stars Nicolas Cage as a badass who's broken out of hell to settle a few scores. I hope his face bursts into flames, I love when it does that.

I've officially had enough of Betty White. Alright I think I had had enough a few months back but this crap is getting out of hand. Betty is now confirmed to have landed a role in the upcoming "Men in Black 3" film. In contracts though Nicole Scherzinger, one of the strippers in The Pussycat Dolls, has also landed a role. Seeing pictures of the two next to each other makes my head hurt.

If you're pissed about paying to see movies in 3D get ready for your head to explode. Apparently "Paranormal Activity 2" will be released in selected iMax theaters for your viewing pleasure. Because when you're watching a movie shot completely on a home video camera you're going to want to see that on a giant screen and make sure it's crystal clear. That's just logic.

In Real People News: 

A man in South Florida won a $650,000 in a settlement for injuries he received while getting a lap dance. Apparently he was stabbed in the eye by the strippers heel which punctured his eye socket and gave him permanent double vision. Sounds to me like he's getting free two for one lap dances the rest of his life. I guess I'm just a "glass half full" kind of guy though.

On this day in history: 

1860 - Eleven-year-old Grace Bedell of Westfield, N.Y., wrote a letter to presidential candidate Abraham Lincoln, suggesting he could improve his appearance by growing a beard.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday May 19th, 2010

"Flight of the Conchords" star Jemaine Clements has signed on as Yaz for "Men in Black 3". Joining Will Smith, Josh Brolin and a bookended Tommy Lee Jones, the movie will be set in 1969.

Troma Studios continues to be awesome as they have posted "Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead" online for free!

"The Lost Skeleton of Cadavera" prepares to return... again, as Shout Factory announces the release of Larry Blamire's b-movie homage "The Lost Skeleton of Cadavera Returns Again" and "Dark and Stormy Night" this coming August.

In Real People News: 

The New Zealand Parliament was evacuated due to a bomb threat. Once the package was opened, it was discovered that they were shipped a box of cluster flies. Not ones to let the government grind to a halt due to a pesky bomb scare, the officials reconvened at a local pub to continue discussions.

Internet mega-giant and our new dark overlords Google come under scrutiny when the company admits to recording hours of communications over unsecured wireless networks.

On this day in history: 

1536 - In the first public execution of an English queen, Anne Boleyn is beheaded.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday March 9th, 2010

Universal Studios is toying with a new attraction, namely a new 3D King Kong ride named "Kong, the Eighth Wonder of the World". Here's hoping for more 3D Naomi Watts and less 3D Jack Black.

Straight from the 'a sequel to what?' news desk; directory Harry Bromly Davenport let slip that he will be releasing a sequel to 1983's "Xtro". On the bright side, it's an actual sequel and not a remake!

Columbia Pictures is starting up the "Men in Black 3" hype machine as they begin to throw around names for the planned sequel. Thrown around so far are Josh Brolin, Sascha Baron Cohen and Jemaine Clement of "Flight of the Conchords" fame. None of these names are a lock however, just a listing of who the studio hopes to snag.

Nerd goddess Felicia Day has signed on to Syfy's "Red", a modern day retelling of "Little Read Riding Hood". Swap out the innocence of a little girl going to see her granny with Day's family who makes their living hunting werewolves and that's your plot.

In Real People News: 

Wang Cuyun was a simple grandmother trying to prevent a demolition team from tearing down her house. Her plan worked well until a member of the crew beat her with a stick, dumped her unconscious body into a ditch, then buried her alive with a bulldozer. Sadly, Ms. Cuyun didn't survive the ordeal.

Prince William's comely girlfriend Kate Middleton failed her first test for her future of protecting the crown jewels. After the Prince gave her a pair of antique pearl studs for her birthday, she found herself sifting through dog poop trying to find them when her pet cocker spaniel swallowed them whole.

On this day in history: 

1997 - Notorious B.I.G. (Christopher Wallace) killed in a drive-by outside the Soul Train Music Awards in Los Angeles.

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