hell and back

Horror Headlines: Thursday, March 29th, 2011

I use to love "Mr. Show" but for some reason over the years I have really grown to hate David Cross. Don't ask me why. But his better half from the show, Bob Odenkirk, I still love. He's adorable. And he's been cast as the Devil in the new R rated stop motion flick "Hell and Back". The animated romp revolves around a group of friends who travel into the underworld to save their friend from eternal damnation. Ya know. For the kids.

Remember the show "Terra Nova"? I do actually! Which ruins every joke I had going in my head. But for those of you who don't, it was a short lived Steven Spielberg produced show on Fax that revolved around a group of travelers who go back in time... or to a different world... or something. I don't know, there were dinosaurs. Well the show tanked but Netflix decided to take it on and continue to stream the series. Until now that is. They've decided to ax the entire thing. That was a lot of work to get to the point of this wasn't it? I hope you appreciate it.

People go gaga over Clive Barker's 1990 film "Nightbreed". I'm not here to judge... It's not my favorite. There I said it! But people are going to get moist now I'm sure because Clive has dropped the news that he is very much in talks to bring the movie to the little screen with a new series. The show will apparently be on cable but no news as of yet on who might pick it up, when it might air or what it will even be about. I'd bet it won't even happen but man let's not let that ruin our excitement.

Will someone look up my last news item on "Child’s Play"? I don't remember if i said it was on or off. Or don't, I'm not the boss of you. Either way today the news is that the remake is not only a go but so is a spin off film about Chucky’s immediate family. I have no idea what that means but I'm not too concerned because the whole thing will be scrapped next week. Or maybe not. I'm a glass half full kind of guy.

In Real People News: 

There's a lot of weird parenting methods out there. The girl from the Aerosmith videos is pre-chewing her son's food for example. But this couple in Illinois are trying their own method of keeping their 12 year old in line. In short, any time the little bugger gets out of line they make him eat screws. I assume they don't chew them up for him first.

There's got to be some kind of award for this. An Indiana man is under arrest after police found him sleeping on the side of the road with a blood alcohol level of 0.552 percent. For those of you keeping track at home that's almost 7 times the legal limit. I mean I guess there is an award; You go to jail. That's a terrible award though.

Horror Headlines: Friday, March 2nd, 2011

No news today guys. Sorry I just don't have it in me. I'm kidding of course there's a bunch of stories right below this. Man you'll believe anything I tell you.

Nick Swardson is pretty damn funny when he isn't playing a bucked toothed porn star in movies so I'm fairly excited for the new stop motion flick titled "Hell and Back" in which he stars. If you can star in a stop motion film. I don't know how that works. Anyway the movie is about a couple friends who have to travel into hell to save their friend who's been dragged down into the fiery depths and today we've learned that Mila Kunis has been cast as a spicy demon who is one of the few people who know how to navigate the underworld. Man it took us a long time to get to that didn't it? I just like spending time with you.

I don't know what it means when a company "options" something but the good people at Sony have optioned a big screen adaptation of the comic book "Bloodshot". For those of you not familiar with the comic book it tells the story of a former gangster who finds himself injected with microscopic computers that make him a super weapon after he goes into the witness protection program. For those of you not familiar with Sony they're a big company that makes a bunch of electrons and apparently puts out movies also.

Director Eric England has been hand selected by the powers that be to direct a new film titled "Contracted". The movie focuses on a young girl who has a one night stand and contracts what she thinks is an STD. It turns out to be something much worse though. A baby? Is it a baby? I'm guessing it's a baby. My money is on baby!

Didn't Darren Lynn Bousman's "11-11-11" already come out on VOD? Am I wrong here? I'm so confused. Well it's coming out again on march 6th. Or maybe for the first time. I don't know. It will then be available on DVD April 24th. So if you're itching to see a film based on a would-be world ending 6 months after the date passed then you're in luck.

In Real People News: 

If you crash and blow up your car while crying drunk you really don't have anything to loose so why not make up a story. Saying another car started shooting at you for no reason might not be the most believable but it's still worth a shot.

If you're on meth there's a good chance the job opportunities aren't flying in so if you happen to get an interview you might want to not show up naked like this guy in Sacramento. Although if you do there's a good chance you're not going to get the job so feel free to go ahead and fight the cops who come to take you away.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday, December 14th, 2011

Winter is officially here my friends! This entire week I've been wearing my snow pants to work in anticipation of the last final blizzard of 2011. Sure there's no reports of any such blizzard coming but still I like to be prepared. I also really like the swooshing sound the snow pants make when I walk around. And my ass looks great in them. So many reasons!

If you're as excited as I am for tonight's season finale of "American Horror Story" then you know what it's like to wet your pants at work and have all your coworkers laugh at you. Miserable I know. But the good people at FX have given us a special preview of tonight's episode to tide us over. So that makes up for the constant harassment you're going to receive for the next year. The nicknames, the laughing... the scratchy thighs.

Nick Swardson and TJ Miller have both been cast in a new animated comedy flick titled "Hell & Back". The two will voice characters who have to travel into the underworld to save a friend of theirs who was kidnapped and taken to the great below. The good news here? The flick is going to be rated R. So if you love cartoons who swear, and who doesn't, get ready to piss yourself again... Maybe it's time to get some adult diapers.

Eff yeah new poster for "Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance". With Nic Cage all head on fire riding a bike with a giant chain whip. Eff ya indeed! Oh wait? you're in 3D too? You shouldn't have even bothered changing your pee pants!

Holy crap, have you ever seen a picture of "American History X" director Tony Kaye before? He looks like that crazy wizard guy who had the telescope and watched the two giant statues that shoot lasers in "The Never Ending Story". You know the one I'm talking about. Anyway he's being perused by the fine people at W2 Media to direct their new flick "Attachment", about a teacher who's one night stand with a student comes back to haunt her when he begins to date her daughter. If anyone can remember the guy's name I'd really appreciate you letting me know. This is going to bug me now.

In Real People News: 

It's always sad when the horse theft you plan goes terribly wrong. One minute you're just having some fun stealing a horse from your local college and the next minute your mother's boyfriend is shooting that horse in the face. Too far man, too far.

I don't even know how this is possible but here's a story about an 82 year old man who beat his girlfriend to death with a flashlight battery.

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