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Horror Headlines: Wednesday, April 4th, 2011

It's hump day! Get out ya jimmy hats.

Abigail Breslin, who stole our hearts in "Little Miss Sunshine" has officially been confirmed to be taking the lead in Vincenzo Natali's new flick "Haunter". The story revolves around a girl who dies tragically in the late 80's and reaches out from beyond the grave to help a family avoid the same fate. If she tripped over a Rubik's Cube or something and fell down the stairs, I think the coast is clear on a repeat.

Here's a good one. "Sucker" is a new flick from the gentleman who played Wyatt in the "Weird Science" TV series. That's not even a joke. What's the film about you might ask? Why, just your average run of the mill man-turning-into-a-giant-mosquito that's all. Is it kind of a rip off of "The Fly"? Maybe. But it still sounds pretty cool and Lloyd Kaufman is in the cast. I don't know what else you people want.

I'm not trying to be the guy who doesn't like the movie that everyone likes here but I did not care for "Avatar". There, I said it. In all fairness I didn't see it in the theaters so maybe that's it. I kind of wanted the army guys to win. Those blue people were annoying. So I'm not that devastated by the news that "Avatar 2" will most likely not hit it's December 2014 release date. I also don't really like "Day Of the Dead". God, it feels good to get all this out there.

In a recent interview the burned one himself Robert Englund waxed poetic (I don't think I'm useing that right)... (that's what she said) about the "Nightmare on Elm Street" prequel that never came to be. Apparently there was even a script floating around about the events that led up to Freddy coming to be the nightmare stalker but the fat cats in Hollywood never got it off the ground. Stupid fat cats and their fat cat love of fat cat food. That makes no sense, I know.

In Real People News: 

Good to know: Apparently the sentence for trying to yank an elderly man off the toilet by his genitals in the nursing home you work at in Minnesota is 45 days in jail. Keep that in mind.

An Iowa man is in hot water after we was caught on camera peeing on the office chairs of his "attractive" co-workers. Somewhere in Iowa right now there's a woman sitting in an office sobbing because her chair doesn't smell like piss.

Horror Headlines: Thursday March 17th, 2011

The ghost-tastic flick "The Apparition" has had its release date pushed from 2011 to an unnamed date in 2012. No reason has been released for the push but seeing how it's directed by Todd Lincoln who's previous credits include visual effects on "From Dusk Till Dawn" and stars a bunch of teenage extras from other movies I'm guessing they want to put it up against "Avatar 2" just to F with the man.

People seem to be getting sick of 3D movies and paranormal flicks but how could you fail with a paranormal 3D joint? The answer is you can't. "Paranormal Xperience 3D" revolves around a group of teens (awesome!) trapped in a town being terrorized by an evil doctor. If the twist at the end of this is that the doctor is a ghost then putting the word "paranormal" in the title might of been a bad idea.

Little known fact, they have TV's in New Zealand. I know I was shocked too! Not only that they apparently have their own shows. Like "The Tribe" which is about group of people who have lived through a virus that's killed off most of Earth's population and how they deal with robots and giant locusts. Sounds pretty good already but it's being adapted for the big screen here in the US so we're going to make it even better. You're welcome Kiwi's!

My wife and I have agreed that no matter what sex our seventh child is we will name him or her Shia LaBeouf. That's just how big of fans we are. So we're both pumped to find out that he will star in a new big screen adaptation of Joe Hill's, son of Stephan King, novel "Horns". The basic plot is LaBeouf wakes up after a night of boozing to find he's sprouted horns. I don't get the title.

In Real People News: 

Some people who come into a large sum of money go nuts and just spend it all. But this guy in Ohio wasn't going to let his big bank robbery score go to his head. No he hopped on the bus and headed home, not even springing for a cab. Of course he was immediately caught but still, his heart was in the right place.

Residents of Bennington Vermont are living in fear after a number of residents have been attacked but one lone gray squirrel. One shoveler was attacked tree times but the little bushy tailed rat and a number of other reports have been filed. What do you have to say about this crap, PETA? That's what I though.

Horror Headlines: Monday March 7th, 2011

I have no idea who Shaky Gonzalez is but dear lord his name is Shaky and every time I see it I read "skanky". So Skanky has a movie called "The Last Demonslayer" which is suppose to be a throw back to some of the great genre movies of the 80's. Chock full of medieval goodness and there's a bunch of new stills to get you fired up. Skanky... teehee.

In a recent interview Michelle Rodriguez, who I consider to be the expert on all things pure and holy, hinted that James Cameron's "Avatar 2" will take place under the sea. Of course her character died in the original but that's the magic of being under da sea! Darling it's better down where it's wetter take it from me! Little Mermaid? No one? Move along folks.

"Dylan Dog: Dead of Night" is a new horror/comedy that is apparently based on some sort of comic book that everyone loved. So you're probably excited about the first trailer that's hit the tubes. Or you're really upset about it because it doesn't stay true to the comic book. But remember this, hearing words and seeing moving pictures beats reading 100% of the time. That's just math folks.

ABC has cast Christopher Egan in the lead role in their upcoming series "Poe", based on Edgar Allan Poe. Egan has what appears to be baby soft skin and two delightful pools of dreaminess he calls eyes which from what I understand matches Poe to a T. I also believe I've said too much again. I regret nothing.

In Real People News: 

It's nice when mothers and daughters do things together. Even if that thing is dragging a bus driver from the bus and beating the holy living hell out of her. Not going to lie, I'm getting a little misty just thinking about the beauty of it all.

A Newcastle student has been suspended for tea bagging his teachers tea. I hope he tried to talk his way out of the whole thing by saying he just thought you were suppose to do that and didn't know any better. It could work... never has for me but it could work...

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