abraham lincoln vampire hunter

Horror Headlines: Thursday May 9th, 2013

Eric here, filling in for Joe again. Seriously, if we actually paid him he'd be fired by now...

Stop the presses, you mean to tell me that Gary Oldman and Kerri Russel are both in "Dawn of the Planet of the apes"??? There's also a full official synopsis at the link but I think we all know I've given you the important news... that you probably already knew. I should do this every day.

"Jurassic Park 4" has been pushed to "a later date" according to Universal, who declined to elaborate on exactly what that means. This gives me more time to watch the sequels, of which I have seen zero. I have seen "Carnosaur" though, which isn't canon but I think counts anyway.

The guys who brought you the Walking Dead game last year that was actually good, Telltale Games, are working on a game based on a werewolf comic book adaptation next. Here's hoping I don't have to make the choice of whether or not I have enough food to feed the small children in my care. That pretty much put me off that game for good. It was too real man, too real...

I haven't taken an informal poll on this, but am I the only person that loved "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter"? Either way, Dominic Cooper, who played a smooth talking vampire friend to Honest Abe in that film has signed on to another vampire film, Universal's "Dracula". You know, the one that isn't actually about Dracula, instead focusing on the Vlad the Impaler mythos. Either way, I hope there's an axe with silver melted onto it. (does anyone even get that reference??)

In Real People News: 

"My husband draws the line at having sex with a troll mask on" Joe tells me this all the time. I don't know why he can't just open his heart.

Have you guys heard about the giant, meningitis carrying, African snails invading Florida? If you're into stomach churning news articles, this subject is for you.

Ever wonder what an X-ray of a harpoon that went into someone's head looks like? No? Then definitely do not click on that link. Seriously. Don't.

Episode 213 - Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

alt

Learn the REAL history of the American Civil War!

Purchase this Back Episode $0.99

My 9 Most Anticipated Horror Films of the Summer

Logan Marshall-Green, Noomi Rapace, Michael Fassbender, Prometheus

Summer movie season is here in all it's popcorn filled glory. Though as fun and indulgent as this time of year is for film fans, it can often leave horror fans wanting. Yet a strong set of films is on the horizon that should keep genre fans relatively happy throughout their summer break. So without further ado here are the 9 Most Anticipated Summer Genre Films.


9. Piranha 3DD


Date: June 1
Director: John Gulager

Trailers: "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter" has one now

All my comments from my earlier post still stand. Schnaars is going to hate this so much, I can't wait.

Snapshot: "Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter"

I'd be more excited about this if I didn't think it was going to further destroy our children's grasp on actual history. Remember that time Eli Roth killed Hitler? That was awesome.

Horror Headlines: Friday December 16th, 2010

Eric Bana is the newest name being tossed around to play the bearded one in the big screen adaptation of "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter". Much to my surprise Eric Bana is not the guy who played Superman in the 90's on that show with the girl form "Desperate Housewives". Apparently that was Dean Cain. Who knew.

Here's a movie called "Limitless" where Bradley Cooper takes a super drug that allows him to use 100% of his brain. He of course uses this power to sleep with tons of women which I am pretty sure is something the current Bradley Cooper can do without even having to use 10% of his brain. Thanks Hollywood, maybe next you can come up with a movie about how I'll never be skinny again.

"I Saw the Devil" and all I got was this lousy t-shirt! I'm 99% sure I've used that joke before but it doesn't matter, this serial killer flick from the far east will hit limited theaters and VOD on March 4th. Feel free to tell me if the far east comment was racist, I don't think so but I've been wrong before.

"From Disk Till Dawn" and "Amityville Horror", two films which I was pretty sure already had sequels, are slated to see theatrical followups sometime in the near future. This is all according to a press release from The Weinstein Company and I didn't get it so who knows how trustworthy it is. Maybe they lost my gmail account though. Call me, guys!

In Real People News: 

It's always sad when you hear about a kid's Christmas presents being stolen. Especially when it turns out it's their mother stole the presents to trade for crack. Although it's heartwarming when a mother gets her crack, so the two sort of negate each other.

I don't know what it is about women but the moment a fight breaks out they shoot right for the nipples. Like this woman who ripped off her daughter-in-law's nipple after she got drunk and started a fight. Happens all the time.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday November 3rd, 2010

The team of Eli Roth and Eric Newman will once again team up for "Psycho Killer". The film that follows both a serial killer, a psycho and an officer will be written by Andrew Kevin Walker who brought us all "Seven". Not too shabby sounding huh? And I avoided the obvious Talking Heads reference.

And let the avalanche of crap begin. "FDR: American Badass" is a new film that will follow Franklin D. Roosevelt, written as a werewolf hunter who fights the hell spawn in his customized wheelchair. I assume there will be other president fighting evil films shortly after. I'd like to officially toss out "Martin Van Buren: Chupacabra Exterminator" as an idea.

If you love "Resident Evil" films but hate looking at Milla Jovovich's mom hips you're in luck. "Resident Evil: Damnation" is a full on CGI sequel to "Resident Evil: Degeneration" and it's got a super new trailer for you to view. Computers > People. That's math, you can look it up.

"Hobo With a Shotgun" is a movie, and now it's got a bunch of cool new posters, only two of which that actually feature a hobo with a shotgun. So that's a nice surprise. It's like Christmas if you lived in the worst trailer park ever imagined... and there isn't any cable so you had to watch old re-runs of "Monchichis"... like homeless people do.

In Real People News: 

Is this becoming a thing now? A 15-month-old baby girl survived a fall from a seventh-floor apartment in Paris yesterday. Way to go France, the Chinese did this a few days back but from 20 floors up. You can't do anything right.

Imagine how excited a Vermont man was when he opened the door to find a man dressed in a gorilla suit standing there. Now imagine how disappointed her was when that gorilla then took out a sharp object and stabbed the man. Gorillas, nature's assholes.

On this day in history: 

1982 – The Salang tunnel fire in Afghanistan kills up to 2,000 people.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday March 3rd, 2010

While there are no details on what the homage will actually be, word is that 82nd Academy Awards will feature a segment dedicated to horror. That's saying a lot for the group that has all but ignored the genre since they awarded "Silence of the Lambs" Best Picture 19 years ago.

Tim Burton is aiming his sights on his next production as he makes plans to team with Russian Timur Bekmambetov for Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. Based on best selling author Seth Grahame-Smith's novel, in the same vein as his hit "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies". Both film-makers will be taking on producer duties as a director has not yet been listed.

Warner Brothers has announced their plans to bring the classic "Space Invaders" to the big screen. This joins the long list of other classic arcade games that will be mentioned as in the works for big screen treatment and never heard from again!

Stefan Ruzowitzky, Austrian director of the Oscar winning "The Counterfeiters" is in talks to direct the period piece "The Last Voyage of the Demeter" which has been written for nearly five years now. Concentrating on the over seas voyage of Dracula as he fled Transylvania, this could be something fun on the horizon.

In Real People News: 

PETA has decided that the Berlin Zoo will be its next target as they urge the facility to have Knut the Polar Bear castrated. Not just an idle request, they are trying to prevent Mr. Knut from having incestual sex with his partner Giovanna who has the same grandpa polar bear as Knut.

O.J. Simpson has donated the suit he wore when acquitted of is wife's murder to the Smithsonian Museum. An official at the Smithsonian told TMZ "It's highly unlikely that we'll accept it".

On this day in history: 

1934 - John Dillinger escapes from an escape-proof jail in Crown Point Indiana, using a wooden pistol he carved himself. It's his second escape.

Around the Web

Syndicate content

What's New?

Wherein no one talks about people they banged in high school...

Podcast

In which we try to make sense of "Return to Nukem High: Volume 1"...

Podcast

Latest Reviews

Search

Around The Web