Horror Headlines: Friday November 6th, 2009
Thanks God this Halloween crap is over. Why don't horror fans get as excited about Thanksgiving? I'll take turkey and potatoes any day over bullshit candy. Grow up, people. Put on some khakis, that sweater your grandma made you and give thanks that we live in a country that allows a pathetic, 30-year-old man the right to spend $300 at a Halloween store for a crappy Freddy outfit that they are way too fat to wear. Amen. Pass the stuffing.
Zombieland? No, STAKE LAND, you dumb bitch! With the exception of the stupid tagline-- “A road movie...with teeth!” -- I think this might be cool. But, seriously, what is the deal with vampire film promotions and the use of the cliches “...with teeth!” or “...with bite!” Do you think that, the PR people, when sitting around in their offices, shooting wads of paper into a waste-basket with a basketball hoop over it, stumbling over one tagline after another that doesn't work, when they hit upon the “teeth” thing they high-five each other and snort coke off each other's balls in a celebratory circle-jerk because they think that they are the first ones to come up with it? They probably do.
Amy Heckerling, the has-been director of “Fast Times at Ridgemont High”, “Clueless” and some other shit, has signed on to direct the vampire romantic comedy “Vamps”, about “two young female vampires living the good life in New York until love enters the picture and each has to make a choice that will jeopardize their immort....”, oh shit, sorry, I just got my period all over the place. And on the day I chose to wear white pants!
Notorious schillers Bloody Disgusting have proclaimed that no-hit wonder Richard Kelly's “The Box” is “sure to deliver in more ways than one”. I learned this after trying to figure out how to close the annoying, full-screen roll-over ad for the damn movie, with absolutely no success. I ended up just opening another window to look at another site as the trailer continued to screen without any hope of skipping it. I think that, right now, we should all get on our knees and thank Eric and Mark for creating a website with no roll-over ads, pop-up ads or reviews based on how much the advertisers pay us. On the other hand, DRINK PEPSI, THE CHOICE OF A NEW GENERATION!
A Denver Blockbuster video employee stabbed himself in the leg to get out of work because he was afraid of getting written up for his torn work-pants. Whatever happened to faking diarrhea? Hell, I almost faked diarrhea just to get out of writing today's news!
Have you ever wanted to die, just to see how people at your funeral would react? A Brazilian bricklayer, thought to have been killed an a car-crash days earlier, showed up at his own funeral. According to witnesses, a loud “DUN-DUN-DUNNNN!” played on the soundtrack while an aged dowager proclaimed “Gasp and swoon, I've got the vapors!” while passing out in the most dramatic way possible.
A Dallas Cowboys cheerleader is in deep diarrhea after donning black-face to complete a Li'l Wayne costume. When are white people gonna learn that there's no place for black-face in today's culture, especially when entertainers like Li'l Wayne do a good enough job of putting it on themselves?
In 1918, The Second Polish Republic is proclaimed in Poland. The celebration was put on hold though as the country's citizens were unable to get out from inside their locked cars. Don't get me started on the screen-door submarine fleet! POLISH!