dimension

Horror Headlines: Monday, March 5th, 2011

To see boobies in 3D or not to see boobies in 3D. That is the question. It's a tough one, and unfortunately we're all going to have to answer it because Dimension films has just dropped that "Piranha 3DD" will be released both theatricality and on VOD at the same time. So will the dirtbag in me who wants to see bouncy things in 3D win over the part of me that hates seeing sunlight. I for one can't wait to see how this turns out.

There's so many genre shows in the works I almost forgot that there's already one I watch and kind of like. It's "American Horror Story". It's fun to learn things about each other isn't it? But the news here is that Evan Peters, Sarah Paulson, and Lily Rabe will all be returning for Season 2 as different characters. The story this season will take place on the East Coast and focus on Jessica Lange's character. I also really enjoy ice cream and Neil Diamond. I love you.

New movie alert! Oh god I love new movie alerts. The project is called "The Occult" and already has Rufus Sewell, Anne Heche, and Alycia Debnam-Carey in the cast. What's more it'll be directed by Christian E. Christiansen who directed "The Roomate" and that movie was terrible! Are you pumped? I was too excited to read the plot, but I did skim it and there's something about the devil's daughter coming to earth and a small town with some girls and some killings. Oh man, it's the best Monday ever.

Good for Julia Stiles. She's landed the lead role in the upcoming NBC series "Midnight Sun" about a FBI agent trying to track down a cult that mysteriously disappeared. I believe we're one step closer to finally seeing a "Save the Last Dance 2".

In Real People News: 

Rep. Roscoe Bartlett of Maryland has proposed the STACHE Act into his fine state. The act would give anyone with a mustache a 250$ tax break yearly. I believe it's time to move.

I've always though it would be cool to be in the Guinness Book of World Records. So did this guy in Sri Lanka apparently, because he attempted to break the record for longest time buried alive. He died though so I don't think he wins and there's a ton of people who have been buried dead for longer than him, so I think he's kind of f'ed.

Horror Headlines: Friday September 25th, 2009

I'm back. Sorry for the hiatus, but it's hard to do the news on an early Friday morning when you don't have Internet. Back at my old house, I was able to steal Internet, but, at the new condo I just bought, all these bastards have passwords and WPA codes and whatnot on their Internet, so, of course, now I have to legitimately pay for it, with a modem and everything. XBOX Live, here I come!

So “Mr. Disgusting” over at Bloody Disgusting posted an “exclusive” synopsis of the upcoming remake of The Gate: “It revolves around Miles and Terry who live in a typical suburban tract. One day, they discover a mysterious crystalline rock in Miles' backyard, they quickly dig up the lawn in search of more. But instead, they unearth The Gate - the opening to an underground chamber containing terrifying evil. The boys soon realize what they have unleashed, as one dire event follows another. With supernatural fiends invading suburbia, it's up to the kids to find the secret that will lock forever THE GATE...If it is not too late.” Exclusive? Really?? Sorry, “Mr. Disgusting”, BUT THAT IS THE EXACT SAME PLOT OF THE ORIGINAL GATE!!! Is that really an “exclusive”??? This just in, we here at BGH have an exclusive synopsis about David Cronenberg's remake of The Fly: “A brilliant scientist, creating a teleportation machine, accidentally transports himself and a common housefly in the machine, with horrific chaos ensuing.” EXCLUSIVE!!! Just call me “Señor Grotesque”!!!

With Twilight becoming a total pop culture phenomenon, filmmakers are clamoring for anything Stephanie Meyer, so her first, ahem, “adult” novel "The Host" has been optioned. Pandering to the lonely, repressed female sci-fi crowd, "The Host" is a post-apocalyptic novel about, oh, I don't know, mutants that sparkle or something. I don't know. You know what I do know though? I think Stephanie Meyer is really hot. I would love to go on a date with her, pretend to listen to everything she says and then go back to her place and just bang her all night, and by all night, I mean for about an hour, upon which, I'll raid her fridge, which I'm sure is packed, watch some cable and pass out on her couch, only to wake up with her four or five cats sleeping on me. Somehow, she'll see this as a the opening of a meaningful relationship and we'll be together forever, just like Bella and Ricardo. (Ricardo's the dude's name, right?)

According to Variety, Dimension Films has unveiled their upcoming slate, which includes "Scream 4", "Spy Kids 4", "Halloween 3", "Children of the Corn", "Hellraiser", "Short Circuit", "Scanners" and "An American Werewolf in London", half of which will be in 3D. Thanks for running the third dimension into the ground, horror filmmakers! Funny enough, this slate is almost exactly similar to Dimension's slate in the late 90s, the same one that ran them into the ground and caused most of their releases to go direct-to-video. "Phantoms 2", please!

In Real People News: 

The Connecticut Karaoke Assaultwould make a great movie title! I'm thinking an “urban comedy/thriller” from Dimension Films!

These Goddamn liberal hippie environmentalists are trying to get rid of “plush” toilet paper. Listen here: the day your take my quadruple-quilted Northern is when you pry it from my cold, dead anus!

In an interview just before his death, Michael Jackson found enough time to take an 8-year-old's penis out of his mouth to call Hitler a “genius orator”. When reached for comment, Hitler said “Really? That's pretty fucked up, dude.”

On this day in history: 

In 1981, Sandra Day O'Connor becomes the first female Justice of the Supreme Court. Contrary to many horrible sexist jokes of the time, she is post-menopausal and her period/PMS will not come to affect any of her decisions.

Horror Headlines: June 29th, 2009

"Hellified" is a supernatural action movie about a journey to hell, currently in development from Paramount.

Official site launch for "Trick 'R Treat", which finally hits DVD this October. For a great interview with Mike Dougherty on the whole ordeal, be sure to check out the latest issue of Horror Hound Magazine.

Poster and DVD Art for Dave Parker's "The Hills Run Red". The slasher flick is about a group of film fans who are obsessed with finding a print of a long lost stalk & slash, who follow a lead out into the woods and realize that the film... wait for it... never ended! They're now stuck right in the middle of the carnage, as you would expect.

John Landis has sold the remake rights to "An American Werewolf in London" to Dimension Films. Dimension, you may remember, has struggled for over 2 years now to get its "Hellraiser" remake going, with several directors leaving the project due to creative differences. We'll have to wait and see, but that doesn't bode well for this "Werewolf" redo.

In Real People News: 

Take heed, people, trading Fritos for a blowjob does indeed constitute prostitution. I know, I was surprised, too.

This just in: French people are assholes. After a young woman committed suicide recently by jumping from the Eiffel Tower and landing on the glass roof of a restaurant below, many of the patrons just continued eating their meals. Classy guys, classy.

Homeless man crushed in garbage truck, lives to tell the horribly, horribly detailed story.

On this day in history: 

1967: Actress Jayne Mansfield is decapitated in a car crash, when her convertible collides with a parked tractor-trailer.

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