unnecessary remakes

Horror Headlines: Thursday November 19th, 2009

In case you missed it the first time around, a new feature trailer for Rick Jacobson's B-movie homage "Bitch Slap" has surfaced online. The film's selling point: cleavage. Lots and lots of cleavage.

Fans of the After Dark Horrofest, rejoice! The official website is now live, and packed with all sorts of time-wasting content. Whether or not this latest batch of indie horror is worth your precious time remains to be seen.

Indie director Larry Fessenden has reportedly walked away from New Line's remake of "The Orphanage." Here's hoping this derails the project altogether.

Are you starting to run out of things to do in "Borderlands?" If so, Gearbox has scheduled the release of the downloadable expansion pack "The Zombie Island of Dr. Ned" for November 24th,, which means you'll be able to slaughter mountains of zombies while scarfing plate after plate of Thanksgiving goodies.

In Real People News: 

An 82 year-old woman fends off a pair of robbers using a brush, a bible, and her false teeth. In other news, I'm strangely aroused.

In case you were wondering why Kentucky is the greatest state in the country, a Boone County man was arrested for allegedly masturbating to a wrestling video at the local library. Thanks for making me proud.

Newsflash: If your lovely wife attempts to murder you on three separate occasions, perhaps it's time to file for divorce. I'm just saying.

On this day in history: 

1703 - The mysterious Man in the Iron Mask, a prisoner of Louis XIV, passes away in captivity. To this day, his identity remains a source of much debate.

Horror Headlines: Thursday May 14th, 2009

Universal picks up the film rights to Dark Horse Comic's "The Secret", and have hired Scott Milam to write the adaptation of the 4 part comic. The plot essentially sounds like a revenge slasher to me, anyone read it?

Dreamworks grabs Tom Holland's classic horror film "Fright Night" for a remake, about "a teenager who discovers that his neighbors are vampires." The producers involved claim they will be attempting to retain the "horror/comedy" vibe of the original.

So, Rob Zombie says that's not the real "Halloween 2" poster that everyone reported on last week. Seems strange that he would only speak up on this after now, but I'm sure it has nothing to do with the universal hatred of the thing. Nah, that can't be it.

A film is in the works from producer Ed Bass ("While She Was Out") based on the true life story of female serial killer Belle Gunness, a classic "black widow" of a killer. He's got a little more optimistic outlook on things, describing it as "a woman looking for love and never quite finding it." I guess that's one way to look at it.

You may have to sit down for this one. Forest Whitaker and 50 Cent are attached to a "Jekyl and Hyde" adaptation directed by Abel Ferarra. There aren't enough synapses in my tiny pea brain to possibly make sense of that sentence. Looks like a job for the hive-mind to me.

In Real People News: 

If you're pregnant, drunk all the time, and awaiting drunk-driving charges, drinking a case of wine on the steps of the courthouse with a friend might be considered uncouth. Just saying.

Hey, turns out that video you're watching the internet really is someone's wife who's cheating on them. Which I suppose is not so fun if you happen stumble upon one starring your wife.

Hmmm, I would pay pretty good money to see Jesse Ventura waterboard Dick Cheney. I have a feeling I'm not alone on that one, either.

On this day in history: 

1610: Fanatical monk Francois Ravaillac jumps aboard the coach of King Henry IV and stabs him twice through the open window. Then the French monarch bleeds to death before medical help can reach him.

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