In order to enjoy “Metallica Through the Never,” you really have to like Metallica. I mean really like them. Does this go without saying? Probably, but other than the band’s music and an incredible stage show there is very little else to recommend here. Any attempt at a deeper film is completely lost in all the riffs and drumbeats.
I have run out of words to describe a movie like 2013’s “Lizzie.” Tired, uninspired, insipid, lazy, bland… they all cover this insipid piece of filmmaking. My thesaurus can’t help me anymore, so let me just say this: “Lizzie” is a waste of 93 minutes. If you have a choice between this and any other movie, you’re probably better off going with the latter.
Imagine a cross between “Mad Max” and “Sin City,” but sprinkled with a pinch of spaghetti western and a dash of laughable dialogue, and you have “Bounty Killer.” There is a whole lot to criticize about this movie—a ridiculous plot, some really cheesy special effects—but at the end of the day it’s actually a lot of fun.
Before we begin the review, one thing to get clear about “Crawlspace.” This is not the “Crawlspace” from 1986 starring Klaus Kinski, and it’s not the “Crawlspace” that’s set to be released later this year starring Lori Loughlin. It’s also not the film that was originally named “Crawlspace” before getting re-named “The Descent” (yes, that “The Descent). No, this “Crawlspace” was released in 2012 and is from Australia.
Christian Bisceglia and Ascanio Malgarini, the directors of “The Haunting of Helena,” definitely graduated from the Guillermo Del Toro school of horror. All of Del Toro’s filmmaking elements are here – a European setting and images that bring up a fascist past, a ghostly child lurking, tons of ominous music and shots of old statues in the rain. Unfortunately, "The Haunting of Helena” never seems to put it all together into one cohesive movie. There are some cool scenes and a few very effective images here, but in the end you don’t feel like you’ve seen a complete film.
There are a lot of low-budget horror movies that are light on plot and character development, but few take it to such extremes as 2011’s “Orphan Killer.” This movie doesn’t let silly little things like story get in its way. There’s just a masked killer, some dark corridors, and a hot chick on the run. More than anything, it’s a throwback to early eighties slasher movies with a little “Saw” thrown in for good measure.
As a social allegory, “The Purge” is about as subtle as Hulk Hogan being interviewed by Mean Gene Okerlund. This movie slaps you across the face again and again with its statements on class divisions in America, the flaws with our media outlets, and our cultural obsession with violence. Despite this rather large flaw, however, “The Purge” is not a half-bad movie, with a decent plot, and enough suspense to warrant a viewing.
Jennifer Lynch’s first few attempts at filmmaking fell short (anyone remember “Boxing Helena?”), but she puts together a solid little thriller with 2012’s “Chained.” Combining a decent (if somewhat cliché) story and some very good performances, “Chained” is well worth a watch, even if it does take a hard right turn into crazy-town in the last few minutes.
I watched 2013’s “The Wicked” a week ago and have been struggling with this review ever since. How to put in words just how bad this movie is? I mean, we’ve all seen bad movies, but even lowering my expectations to direct-to-video standards, “The Wicked” is a real bust.
2012’s Norwegian horror-fantasy “Thale” clocks in at just around 80 minutes, so why did it feel like it took hours to get through? Yes, there are a couple interesting scenes, but you have to sit through a lot of boring movie to get to them.
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Watch Horror Movies. Drink Drinks.
One Thursday a month, Sophie lays out the rules for a horror film drinking game! Browse our past entires and be on the look out for new ones.
Year End Lists
The Best and Worst Horror Films of 2016
Isn't it neat how everyone's tastes are different? Check out which spooky flicks our crew thought were the best, and worst, in 2016.
Horror Through the Decades
Whether you're a dusty Baby Boomer or a filthy Millenial, you'll no doubt appreciate Andrew's look back into the best horror TV shows since the 1950's
The United States of Horror
Tag along as our spooky patriots give you a tour of the greatest horror settings from around the U-S-of-A