TOPTOBER: Top 5 Movies Satan Would Love

As a celebration of all things October, BGH asked each of our writers to submit a Top 5 list of their choosing. Stay tuned all throughout October to see what these demented folks come up with!

With the Halloween holiday around the corner, it's time to talk about that semi-deity that is more than just a South Park joke. He's been referred to as Beelzebub, Samael, and the Devil, but his resume building name is Satan. The most beautiful angel that was banished from heaven for his attempt to overthrow God's judgement, Satan has had his fair share of crazy days. Having been a guy around from the dawn of time it would be fair to say that he's viewed several films. If he had to throw down the gauntlet and pick a top five to watch while laying low for Christmas, this is the list that he might make.

The choices were picked according to three criteria: 1) The film directly references the Devil himself. 2) There are characters in the film that make choices that reflect the personality of Satan described in the Bible. 3) They were funny. 

1) The House of the Devil

This is an easy one. Now that the norms of suburbia have been put into place in the world's history it seems like a perfect time for Satan to put down some roots. Thankfully for him Ti West's The House of the Devil is the perfect real estate listing. A nice victorian style home deep in the woods has just the right touch of style and privacy to entice Satan's attention. Add in that the current inhabitants are his worshippers, luring young women to become the vessel for his return just adds to the fun. The movie even has a little dance number which everyone loves, no matter how evil they may be. 

2) Rosemary's Baby

It's only logical to assume that once Satan puts his roots down and gets that nuclear family home that it's time to fill it with an actual family. The only problem he has is that his original beauty faded once he was banished to earth. No amount of Bosley hair resotration or Lush branded skin care products are going to fix the hot mess that is Satan. Of course being a deity of unending evil and pain, forcing a family into the world seems like his best bet. Apparently director Roman Polanski was in the same mind set when he adapted Rosemary's Baby to film. The story follows Rosemary Woodhouse and her journey moving into the infamous Dakota in Manhattan. She makes a few friends, inluding Ruth Gordon, but those friendships turn sinister once Rosemary becomes mysteriously pregnant. Surprise, surprise, these friends are Satan worshippers and have delivered a fertile Rosemary directly to Satan's clutches. It has everything Satan would love: rape, the birth of his deformed child, and pixie cuts.

3) Honeymoon

Since Satan would have some tricky trouble getting an actual wife, his view of marriage is probably skewed. The most exciting time of celebration for a new marriage is the honeymoon, and it's also the perfect opportunity for the Devil to step in make a mess. Paul and Bea are the newlyweds in question in the film Honeymoon. After Bea is found wandering aimlessly in the woods one night, Paul is concerned that something beyond his understanding is occurring. It's unclear whether it's aliens or demons terrorizing the couple, but to contribute some responsibility to Satan isn't too farfetched. The grotesque scenes of violence act as heartwarming moments for him while most humans would be completely repulsed. It's interesting how the world is so transfixed on mixed race couples or gays getting married as the reason that marriage is being threatened. The real culprit is the one holding the pitchfork folks. 

4) The Lords of Salem

Everyone loves having a fan club. Having an entire town of female witch descendants ready to cheer your arrival is not an occurrence that many people can attest to having. However, Satan has that read for him and so much more in Rob Zombie's The Lords of Salem. A drugged up radio host trying to get through a week at work without washing her hair is targeted by a group of witches in Salem. Zombie tells the story in a chronological manner that doesn't end up meaning much to understanding the plot; an aspect that Satan loves. What's more frustrating to a viewer than not understanding what's happening in a movie? Satan loves watching the people scramble for comfort. Of course the fact that he has three respected actresses chanting "Satan! Come to us!" while delivering Sheri Moon Zombie to a little turkey baby just clinches this movie as a winner for him. 

5) The House of the Dead

Listen, Satan has to fill in his down time with something other than whispering sweet misery into human ears. Video games seems like a solid choice for him because he can actively attack and kill whatever he wants without all of the exposure the real world offers. It's a possibility that while taking little anti-Christ out to a pizza arcade he dropped some coin on "The House of the Dead" rail shooter game. Uwe Boll did Satan a solid when adapting the game into the film of the same name. What's great too is that Satan doesn't even need to play the game anymore since Boll spliced in footage of actual gameplay into the film's final cut! What's even more amazing is that the whole movie is beyond terrible which is right in Satan's wheelhouse.