Starring Curtis Bush, Rod Suiter, Kim Reynolds
Directed by Mardy South
Review by Louis Fowler
With some films, all you need is a title and you’ll know whether or not it’s going to be worth your entertainment dollar. This is something porno has learned. Sure, EDWARD PENISHANDS is a funny title, but ALL BLACK ASS-2-MOUTH CUM-DRINKERS #24 actually says so much more. It let's me know that if I take a chance on this title, that yes, I will be getting ass-to-mouth cum-drinking action, featuring a bevy of foxy black ladies. All I know about EDWARD PENISHANDS is that maybe some dude has got some penises on his hands. It says nothing about it's ass-to-mouth quotient.
Such is the case with the wonderfully titled PSYCHO KICKBOXER. That name right there says it all. Say it with me: PSYCHO KICKBOXER. That name right there says it all. I know I'll be getting some kickboxing, possibly from a man with a psychopathic mental disorder. And that's all I want.
Five-time world kickboxing champ Curtis Bush, who I have never heard of, is Alex, the titular kickboxing psycho. He remarkably looks like Freddie Mercury and dresses like he just got off the set of a Color Me Badd video—Cross Colours represent, yo!
Alex has a great life: he’s got a sweet, loving fiancée and great beach-front property, and, to prove both to you, he makes love to her right there on the terrace—which is awesome, because it's obvious that Bush, who wrote the screenplay, wrote that scene to get some sweet extra lovin'. (Hey, I'd do the same thing—would you like to read my screenplay to LOUIS AND SALMA HAYEK GET IT ON?) And let's not forget his dad, who happens the be the police chief, and who happens to be getting ready to take down the city's most feared crime lord. Nothing bad could happen, right?
SPOILER ALERT: wrong! The whole gang is kidnapped right in front of the Hot Tuna Bar and Grill. (Say so long to that good review in Zagat's!) They are then taken to a warehouse and pops and the fiancée are promptly murdered in front of Alex’s eyes. Now, if this were to happen to any of us, we'd probably have a psychotic break. We'd go “psycho”, if you will.
Beaten and left for dead, Alex is found by a black wheelchair-bound Vietnam vet who is like Mr. Miyagi, only sassy! Oh no he didn't! This poverty level Yaphet Kotto trains Alex in the ancient art of, um, jump rope, and pretty soon, the fire of revenge is suitably stoked in Alex’s heart. He dons an outfit that strikes fear into the hearts of criminals—a ninja costume from Spencer’s. Imagine if Batman saw a hot pink neon Playboy sign fly through his window instead of a bat.
Alex prowls the streets looking for danger, which is usually in the form of a numchuck-wielding minority wearing a red banana that seemed to be the ultimate vision of bad-dudery in the early eighties. The media—AKA two wacky Zoo Crew guys from a local radio station—immediately dub him, fittingly, the Dark Angel, not to be confused with the atrocious Jessica Alba show of the same name, but oh how I wish it was!
When the Dark Angel finally catches up to the crime lord, he’s forced to fight to the death against the numerous mulleted fat white guys that comprise said crime lord's “evil” army, all to the tune of a catchy keyboard tune that I'm sure was made with pre-programmed beats from a Casio—press E34 for the samba rhythm!
Needless to say, this movie is totally fucking awesome.
Yes, the acting is atrocious, and the dialog even worse, so of course it makes for a wholly entertaining film. Re-released as part of Shock-O-Rama’s ongoing commitment to make sure that the lost low-budget classics of the 90s straight-to-video video boom are never forgotten—they should really get an award of some sort—PSYCHO KICKBOXER is a goofy b-movie that, true to the title, doesn’t skimp on either the psychotic behavior or the kickboxing.
Although a little ass-to-mouth couldn't have hurt.