Russell Brand

Horror Headlines: Thursday, January 26th, 2012

We're just a little over a week away from "The Woman In Black" hitting theaters and I for one am a little damp between the legs about the entire thing. And this new clip from the film has got my river flowing at full throttle this morning. All kinds of creepy toys and lights going out. Oh man it's damp. This is without a doubt the most disgusting thing I've ever written.

The continuation of the second season of AMC's "The Walking Dead" is not too far off my friends and today we've got news that Aaron Munoz and Michael Raymond James will be joining our band of marry travelers. Right now both are being put on the books as "guest stars" so there's a good chance they're not going to be around long so enjoy them while you can. Perhaps with a nice bottle of Bordeaux.

Because of a sugar imbalance I fainted while watching "The Devil inside" so I'm not that impressed by this news but it looks like one movie goer hit the floor while watching a screening of "V/H/S", a new anthology flick from Ti West, Adam Wingard, David Bruckner and Glenn McQuaid. The happening took place during a midnight screening at the Sundance Film Fest so there's also a good chance whoever it was was some kind of sissy boy. He was all "oh I can't wait to get home and watch 'How I Met Your Mother' on DVR! hey is that blood? Uh oh I'm going down!".

Russell Brand has been confirmed for the cast of the upcoming haunted house comedy flick "The Hauntrepreneur". That guy sucks and so will this movie. That's the news.

In Real People News: 

Here's a Florida man who confessed to not only cutting up a guy with a hatchet but also eating his brain and eyes. I don't know, I guess when you get hungry you get hungry.

Everyone's got different baby sitting styles but I'm pretty sure this woman in Washington who poured salt and detergent down a 4 week old child's throat because the baby was "evil" has the worst style I've ever heard of. Truth be told I haven't read a ton of parenting books though.

Horror Headlines: Thursday October 13th, 2011

You all remember "Starship Troopers", right? The 1997 Sci-Fi bug battle flick that also had boobies in it? I was just a young 19 year old watching a bunch of people fight giant bugs and then all of the sudden blammo! Shower scene. It was glorious. Well it looks like there's a new movie being added to the series but this one will be animated. The film titled "Starship Troopers: Invasion" will pretty much have the same plot as all the other films but this time the nudity will be animated. So look out for that one if you're a complete deviant.

It looks like the lead role in the upcoming horror/comedy "Rentaghost" has transitioned from Russell Brand to Ben Stiller which is kind of like the doctor coming in the room and telling you that you don't have syphilis but you do have chlamydia. The film is based on an early 80's British sitcom about a recently deceased ghoul who sets up a temp agency for the fellow undead unemployed. Pretty sure if Stiller gets dropped then Dane Cook is next on the list.

If you were worried about "Paranormal Activity 3" being light on the spooky then fear not my friends because the good people at the MPAA have given the flick an R rating. The reason for the rating is listed as "violence, language, brief sexuality and drug use". I have no idea what "brief sexuality" means but I'm kind of interested. I've been displaying my sexuality for close to 34 years now with no signs of stopping.

A new trailer for the film "All God's Creatures" has popped up on the tubes for your viewing pleasure. The film follows a NYC barista who takes it upon himself to murder hookers by night because he's sees them as "filthy women". The film is interesting because the guy serves coffee for a living and is somehow buying tail I couldn't afford if I saved up for a year. I don't know how you did it my friends but you cracked the code.

In Real People News: 

I always assumed that chaperoning a field trip to a museum or some crap with your kids school is one of the most miserable events a parent can attend. But this Wisconsin woman found a way to spice things up a bit. She decided to shoot up heroine during the trip. Of course then she OD'ed but before that I bet she was having a blast.

Holy mother of god. Here's a story about a California woman who's suing a sex toy company because one of their products turned her lady bits into a messy pile of mush. No need for coffee today.

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