A Misty Mundae Threefer

VAMPIRE STRANGLER
Starring Misty Mundae, William Hellfire, Joey Smack
Directed by William Hellfire
Factory 2000 / After Hours Cinema

On IMDB, the first three keywords for VAMPIRE STRANGLER are as follows: no budget, nudity, small breasts.

Yep, that about sums up the film.

The main reason why people will clamor for this flick though is to see former EI starlet Misty Mundae in some hardcore sexy-times. Now, I like Mundae alright—she’s always willing to get naked like a good sport, and while her “acting” is a bit questionable, she seems like a nice, likable, almost “sweet” young lady. But do I really want to see her giving oral? Not really, honestly. I don’t mind her running around topless, shooting mummies, spinning webs or even doing a little simulated scissoring with Darian Caine—I’m used to that. That teasing, playfully lesbian aspect of the personality she’s cultivated is what I like about her and to see her fellating William Hellfire, well, it’s like watching your sister fellate William Hellfire. (Dear God, please don’t let my sister fellate William Hellfire!)

Obviously shot over many different time periods and with various lo-fi VHS camcorders, the movie opens with an “older” Mundae taking a leisurely bubble-bath when a faceless vampire (you know he’s a vampire because he’s wearing a black vinyl cape from Spencer’s) uses his powers of darkness to, um, strangle her. I don’t even think she got a chance to properly wash herself, but fast forward (actually rewind, because this footage was shot many, many years before, when Mundae had a boyish bob) and we learn (mostly though stock footage and not through Mundae’s accent) that she’s William Hellfire’s Transylvanian cousin and is coming to visit him! And she doesn’t wear panties when she roller-skates! Oooh, naughty naughty!

The next hour or so is them having non-stop intercourse—well, kind of. You see, while the fellatio and cunnilingus is real, the actual penetration is not, because I know I saw Hellfire’s penis tucked up and showing while she was grinding on him. This presents me with a bit of a problem: if you’re going to suck cock on video, why wouldn’t you go all the way and do some penetration? You can’t blame morals, because you’re already sucking dick…I mean, if you ask me, I’d honestly rather have actual intercourse on film than blow a dude, but then again, William Hellfire was never my boyfriend. Who knows what Svengali like powers he wields over his nubile starlets...

The movie, in an attempt to earn it’s vampire cred back, has a voodoo priest (!) show up late in the game and features a twist ending that would make M. Night Shyamalan spit Orange Crush out his nose. (OK, not really, but I can honestly say that I didn’t see it coming. So to speak.)

Would I watch it again? Probably not. But for Misty Mundae completists (I know you’re out there!) or William Hellfire fans (are you out there?), VAMPIRE STRANGLER is seminal in every sense of the word. Just try not to strangle yourself while jerking off to it, because, even if you’re undead, auto-erotic asphyxiation is not the best way to go—just ask Vlad “Chokespunk” Dracula.

But, before you do that, let’s change our focus from horny vamps to even hornier werewolves with…

AN EROTIC WEREWOLF IN LONDON
Starring Misty Mundae, Ruby LaRocca, Anoushka
Directed by William Hellfire
Seduction Cinema

Just the other day I was thinking about how, when it comes to the horror genre’s poster-boy monsters, why is it that vampires are the ones who are always singled out for sexual objectification? Sure, it’s been tried before with other monsters in films like FRANKENHOOKER and THE HOWLING 2: YOUR SISTER’S A WEREWOLF, but no matter what, Dracula and his insatiable lust always comes out on top, no pun intended. How does that make the Creature from the Black Lagoon feel? Or what about the Mummy? And let’s not forget poor little Paul Williams!

Thankfully, cinematic pal William Hellfire has wondered the same thing as well, and, unlike my lazy ass, actually did something about it by making AN EROTIC WEREWOLF IN LONDON, which, if I need to spell it out for you, is about a lycanthrope who is into erotic things, like simulated lesbian intercourse and currently has a residence in the London area. Said erotic werewolf is played by the part Amazon, part silicon wonder that is Anoushka, who, thankfully, has still not taken an acting class, making the film all the more enjoyable.

After sexually infecting Misty Mundae (who, literally ten seconds earlier, just got done doing some simulated scissoring with Ruby LaRocca) with the werewolf plague (is this a metaphor for the AIDS virus? C’mon, William Hellfire—I know there is some deep meaning to all this, right? Right? Don’t leave me hanging, bro…), which causes her, in America, to seduce her nurses played by EI faves Darian Caine and Julian Wells. It was an easy day on the set for those lovely ladies! Meanwhile, in Jolly Ol’ England, Anoushka is relating her tale of lupine woe to the world’s most unconvincing journalist, Zoë Moonshine. So it’s kind of like INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE, only not gay. (Well, I guess since there’s nothing but lesbians that it is gay, but it’s the positive reinforcement of the word gay, so, in a way, EI is doing everything in their power to reclaim the word. So, AN EROTIC WEREWOLF is gay! Good work, gang!) More simulated humping goes on.

As a matter of fact, I wanted to know exactly how much simulated girl-on-girl shenanigans was in this movie, and, at a running time of less than 90 minutes, about seven minutes total is devoted to plot. And yes, I am even counting dialog that occurs during sex. Think about it…these guys have done something that even the best hardcore pornos can’t do—have a film that is over 95% sex, yet still fully convey a well thought out and delivered plot!

Re-released in a two-disc special edition, the second disc has an utterly charming bonus film called NIGHT OF THE GROPING DEAD, which is all about zombies that go out of their way to grope Ruby LaRocca, including one with a broomstick in the middle of a laundromat. Funnily enough, it is still better than Hellfire’s early strangler flicks and actually makes for a great double feature with AN EROTIC WEREWOLF IN LONDON. And by great, I mean totally masturbatorially awesome.

Don’t finish cleaning yourself up just yet though—you still got one more to sit through! It’s the classic…

CANNIBAL DOCTOR / DINNER FOR TWO
Starring Misty Mundae, Tina Krause, William Hellfire
Directed by William Hellfire
Factory 2000 / After-Hours Cinema

After-Hours’ special edition reissues of Factory 2000’s lo-fi fetish-flicks gratefully continue with the cannibal kink flick CANNIBAL DOCTOR and its higher-budget (?) remake DINNER FOR TWO. Grab a knife, a fork and a bottle of Jergens!

With each successive release, you peer deeper into the psyche of director and Factory 2000 founder William Hellfire and his Warhol-lite crew and realize they are about a deep as a toilet bowl and twice as artistic. Yes, in a way that’s a backhanded compliment, because at least, as far as semi-pornographic movies go, at least he is “trying” to make a real film. It’s just too bad that he has no really “good” ideas that don’t revolve around strangulation. Or, for that matter, even the ability to write them into a working, cohesive screenplay.

But, for all you kids who aren’t into that whole “plot” thing, at least you get to, once again, stare into the abyss that is Misty Mundae’s bare assets. I know what you really want: another glimpse at starlet Misty Mundae’s non-existent boobs and her pube-covered lady-area. Well, DVDeviants, start your tugging, because you’re gonna get that and a whole lot more!

Pent-tuple threat Hellfire is Dr. Orange, who, by the way, is a cannibal. The pleasantly-stacked Tina Krause (there’s a name I haven’t heard in eight years!) is his assistant, who, thankfully, is also a cannibal. When Ms. Mundae wanders into his office (for what, I’m not sure, because I was fast-forwarding at this point), she immediately strips and Dr. Orange check her vagina for possible ailments. And then, as the possible cure, he oils her up with Wesson and bakes her in a room-size EZ Bake Oven. She is then eaten off-screen.

So if you’re looking for cheap skin, you can’t go wrong with this title. But, if you’re looking for a hardcore (and not in the sexy way) medical drama dealing with the family-destroying act of cannibalism, look elsewhere. Maybe a title change is in order? Hey Bill, how about THE DOCTOR’S HEAT-LAMP VAGINA INSPECTION and THE DOCTOR’S HEAT-LAMP VAGINA INSPECTION 2: DINNER FOR TWO OFF-SCREEN? No charge!