Want Horror in the Theater this Week?

If you're feeling blue because you've already caught "The Happening" and "The Strangers," and you just feel like being truly horrified this weekend, let me suggest the following: Go see "The Love Guru."

Now, I haven't seen this movie, nor would I ever subject myself to that sort of torture, but judging from A. O. Scott's review, Mike Myers may have inadvertently created the most terrifying film of the year. Allow me to quote at length:

"But to judge from “The Love Guru,” a new feature film directed by Marco Schnabel, Mr. Myers, a writer and producer as well as the star, seems to have lost his touch. The movie’s takeaway catchphrase is “Mariska Hargitay,” which is used by the title character as a fake-Hindi spiritual greeting. This is almost hilarious the first 11 or so times he does it, but by the time Guru Pitka (Mr. Myers) says “Mariska Hargitay” to Ms. Hargitay herself, it’s somehow less amusing than it should be.

Which might sum up “The Love Guru” in its entirety but only at the risk of grievously understating the movie’s awfulness. A whole new vocabulary seems to be required. To say that the movie is not funny is merely to affirm the obvious. The word “unfunny” surely applies to Mr. Myers’s obnoxious attempts to find mirth in physical and cultural differences but does not quite capture the strenuous unpleasantness of his performance. No, “The Love Guru” is downright antifunny, an experience that makes you wonder if you will ever laugh again."

Is there any higher praise for a horror film than the fact that it makes you fear that you'll never laugh again? Seriously, isn't the absence of humor, nay, the antithesis of humor, the very definition of fear? Maybe that's a stretch, but I'd still say that "The Love Guru" is just too much for me to sit through.