Teeth (Movie Review)

Vagina Dentata. It’s a phrase that has struck fear into the hearts of men for generations. But Teeth is much more interested in exploring the humor behind this myth rather than any real scares.

Teeth, directed by Mitchell Lichtenstein, stars Jess Weixler as Dawn, head of her high school’s chastity group and all-around good girl. Dawn is committed to staying chaste until marriage, but her budding sexuality, as well as that of her male peers, threatens to make temptation too much to bear. Dawn and her boyfriend, who is part of the same chastity group, go to a cave where kids make out. He decides he can no longer supress his sexual urges, and attempts to rape Dawn. That’s when our heroine discovers that her body has a special defense mechanism when she’s threatened sexually; in a gruesome but funny scene, her attacker’s appendage winds up on the cave floor, and Dawn kicks it away in terror.

Weixler is great as the lead, playing the role totally straight, and exemplifying the girl-next-door all the boys want, not aware of the danger that may entail. Even her skeezy step brother who never leaves his room and spends his days in a perpetual weed-induced and heavy metal-fueled haze lusts after her.

The film views all the boys Dawn encounters as potential rapists at worst, or at best, guys who only care about sleeping with her and not her as a person. We as viewers are meant to feel that those who attempt to harm her get what they deserve, but this isn’t a revenge flick in the vein of I Spit on Your Grave. The scenes of dismemberment are played for laughs, with the movie culminating in a dog gobbling up one dude’s freshly severed weiner.

When Dawn eventually engages in consensual sex, the teeth stay at bay. The filmmakers seem to be saying that there’s nothing wrong with sex and that it should be enjoyable; but men who try to force themselves on women should face harsh punishments. None of this is done in a heavy-handed way, though, and Lichtenstein keeps his tongue firmly in cheek, never delving into preachiness.

Though there are some pretty gory scenes, including close up shots of chomped-off penises, and the thought of having one’s nether regions bitten off is enough to make most guy’s squirm, Teeth is not a true horror film. There’s nothing frightening about it, and there’s no suspense. Teeth is strictly a satire exploring abstinence, teenage fears about sex, and sexual liberation. If you’re looking for scares, this isn’t the movie for you. However, if the idea of a toothed vagina that separates douchebag guys from their dicks with extreme prejudice makes you chuckle, Teeth is worth a look.