The “krites” are back in town (specifically, Grover’s Bend) in Critters 2, and our contributors were deeply divided over whether they had worn out their welcome. The story is a near-repeat of the original, with the critters causing mayhem all over a small town, pursued by bounty hunters, ineffective law enforcement, and a scrappy redheaded boy named Bradley Brown. Critters 2 has less exposition: it drags its cast into new locales, because it can get away with it, and it also features some egregious PG-13 nudity, because it can get away with it.
Cast members reprising their roles is a good sign, right?
Scott Grimes is back for Critters 2, as is Lin Shaye ! I can't wait #TweetwithBGH
— Sophie Day (@philliesfemme) December 14, 2015
Y'all catch that Yoda in the pile of dead aliens? #TweetWithBGH
— S. G. Cherryhomes (@GreenSpe) December 14, 2015
"Directed by Mick Garris" Well, it was good while it lasted. #TweetWithBGH #Critters2
— Evan Slead (@EvanSlead) December 14, 2015
The prop critters eggs are so very clearly avocados #TweetWithBGH
— S. G. Cherryhomes (@GreenSpe) December 14, 2015
That fake leather jacket biker plays my favorite character Lars in Heavyweights. "You've broken my camera!!!!" #TweetWithBGH #Critters2
— Evan Slead (@EvanSlead) December 14, 2015
"Between pineapple quiche and a pimple on the ass" I'm a bit confused about which one of those isn't important... #TweetwithBGH
— Sophie Day (@philliesfemme) December 14, 2015
Bradley returns, solo, to Grover’s Bend to spend some time with his Nana (pretty sure she wasn’t in the first movie), who is basically the character from The Visit before things really went south. Nana is obsessed with health food, runs the most anarchic day care center in town, and spends way too much time and money on her Easter plans when she should be making sure her four-year old wards aren’t off drowning each other. Meanwhile, everyone is making a big deal about how much Bradley has grown up, as though he’s a college student, when he’s clearly still about 13. The writers are desperate to sell him as a creepy love interest to a woman who looks nearly 25….but not desperate enough to cast someone who’s already gone through puberty.
kids eating paste, sticking crayons up their nose, stabbing dolls...Nanas daycare should lose its certification #TweetWithBGH
— S. G. Cherryhomes (@GreenSpe) December 14, 2015
Here's to hoping at least two of those children in the day care will be eaten alive by Critters. #TweetWithBGH #Critters2
— Evan Slead (@EvanSlead) December 14, 2015
Everyone keeps talking about "Bradley's lies" as though there weren't wrecked churches, dead cops & dozens of witnesses #TweetWithBGH
— S. G. Cherryhomes (@GreenSpe) December 14, 2015
Leather Jacket makes out with a very uninterested girl then beats up a teen in the burger place and NO ONE does anything? #TweetwithBGH
— Sophie Day (@philliesfemme) December 14, 2015
"Oh wow an UNWRAPPED chocolate bunny" is what that munchkin should have said #TweetwithBGH
— Sophie Day (@philliesfemme) December 14, 2015
Grandma's going to the black market for Easter eggs. #TweetWithBGH #Critters2
— Evan Slead (@EvanSlead) December 14, 2015
Why would Nana pay $20 for "vegetables from Europe" to use as Easter eggs when she could buy actual eggs for 1/10 of that? #TweetWithBGH
— S. G. Cherryhomes (@GreenSpe) December 14, 2015
Critters POV shot - Drink! #TweetwithBGH
— Sophie Day (@philliesfemme) December 14, 2015
This girl can't stop coughing, is there asbestos in her room?? #TweetwithBGH
— Sophie Day (@philliesfemme) December 14, 2015
Are we supposed to believe that Bradley and that girl are the same age/compatible at all? I'm confused. #TweetwithBGH
— Sophie Day (@philliesfemme) December 14, 2015
A fantastic death of a man in an Easter Bunny suit kicks things into full horror mode, and the shapeshifting routine from the first movie continues when one of the bounty hunters takes the form of a playmate after finding a Playboy on the ground. They meet up with the Critters at “The Hungry Heifer”, where the little furballs are doing their best impression of Texans at a Golden Corral. I share a special story about my childhood, and we are all starting to have very different opinions about the enjoyability of this movie…
So this movie isn't exactly bad or good. It just kind of on right now. #TweetWithBGH #Critters2
— Evan Slead (@EvanSlead) December 14, 2015
This Easter Bunny death scene. Top 80s horror camp #TweetWithBGH "It's probably some kind of farm accident!"
— S. G. Cherryhomes (@GreenSpe) December 14, 2015
Is this movie set at Easter just so they could utilize the whole egg thing? Cause there's a lot of eggs here. Lots. #TweetWithBGH #Critters2
— Evan Slead (@EvanSlead) December 14, 2015
I'm getting a 16 year old vibe off this main ginger kid, and about 21 off of his love interest. Good work #Critters2. #TweetWithBGH
— Evan Slead (@EvanSlead) December 14, 2015
So, when I watched this movie in elementary school this was the first time I ever saw breasts #TweetWithBGH
— S. G. Cherryhomes (@GreenSpe) December 14, 2015
and it blew my mind that the nipples were ON the breasts, dashing my previous "Boobs are just giant nipples" theory #TweetWithBGH
— S. G. Cherryhomes (@GreenSpe) December 14, 2015
@GreenSpe and in a pg13 movie no less. #TweetwithBGH
— Ben Ecker (@BenEcker) December 14, 2015
Mick G to alien actress: "So your breasts will be exposed to pop out of a vinyl suit & you'll walk w/ leather up your crotch." #TweetWithBGH
— Evan Slead (@EvanSlead) December 14, 2015
@EvanSlead And apparently she was fine with it #TweetwithBGH
— Sophie Day (@philliesfemme) December 14, 2015
@philliesfemme @GreenSpe PG-13 Boobs FTW... Also, the staple gag... #TweetWithBGH
— Jeff Konopka (@DeadAirJeff) December 14, 2015
"Who we gonna call? Critterbusters?" Touche. #TweetwithBGH
— Sophie Day (@philliesfemme) December 14, 2015
The Critters are way more vicious in this movie #TweetWithBGH
— S. G. Cherryhomes (@GreenSpe) December 14, 2015
"Suck for hours on your fingertips" was just a line in that Hungry Heifer jingle. They're doing this on purpose, right? #TweetwithBGH
— Sophie Day (@philliesfemme) December 14, 2015
As crappy as this is, the cartoonish humor is so so good. The fried Critter, the bad one admiring his appearance #TweetWithBGH...
— S. G. Cherryhomes (@GreenSpe) December 14, 2015
@GreenSpe I think I'm kind of obssessed with this movie. #TweetwithBGH
— Sophie Day (@philliesfemme) December 14, 2015
C'mon movie!! You should've had her morph into Freddy Kreuger! #TweetWithBGH #Critters2
— Evan Slead (@EvanSlead) December 14, 2015
Wait, so did Tim Curry lose a face because the girl died? I'm confused. #TweetWithBGH #Critters2
— Evan Slead (@EvanSlead) December 14, 2015
Finally, the town rallies together, overcoming their suspicion of Bradley, the “undersized kid from the big city” (who was born and raised in Grover’s Bend, having just moved away two years earlier) to lure the Critters to a local factory where they can blow them up. Guess what! This is not a good idea.
Sorry, but how much longer is this? It feels like it's been on for 3 hours. #TweetWithBGH #Critters2
— Evan Slead (@EvanSlead) December 14, 2015
I am going to start using the expression "bad news in shoes" all the damn time now! #TweetwithBGH
— Sophie Day (@philliesfemme) December 14, 2015
Sheriff berates the town for harping on the kid, then shits all over his plan #TweetwithBGH
— Sophie Day (@philliesfemme) December 14, 2015
Is the lead critter giving anyone else an Andre the Giant as the Dread Pirate Roberts in the cloak in Princess Bride vibe? #TweetwithBGH
— Sophie Day (@philliesfemme) December 14, 2015
THAT CRITTER WAS THE BOUNTY HUNTER. Great twist #TweetWithBGH
— S. G. Cherryhomes (@GreenSpe) December 14, 2015
Beautiful red eyes of the Critters. #TweetWithBGH #Critters2
— Evan Slead (@EvanSlead) December 14, 2015
This woman's of-age ex boyfriend is so much better looking than THIS CHILD #TweetWithBGH
— S. G. Cherryhomes (@GreenSpe) December 14, 2015
@GreenSpe THAT ALMOST KISS WAS SO UPSETTING #TweetwithBGH
— Sophie Day (@philliesfemme) December 14, 2015
Apparently when you blow up hundreds of Critters in the same location, you get….. a giant ball of critters, about twenty feet across, that flattens everything in its path WHILE ALSO eating the flesh off of it. Evan is not as delighted about this as we are, but he is a very good sport about it.
This critter ball though. The critter ball. #TweetWithBGH
— S. G. Cherryhomes (@GreenSpe) December 14, 2015
Do you think the critter ball still exists anywhere, like in a museum? #TweetWithBGH
— S. G. Cherryhomes (@GreenSpe) December 14, 2015
PEOPLE RUNNING IN STRAIGHT LINES FROM NARROW THINGS MOVING TOWARDS THEM TROPE #TweetwithBGH
— Sophie Day (@philliesfemme) December 14, 2015
That guy's eaten up and exposed back was pretty satisfying though. #TweetwithBGH
— Sophie Day (@philliesfemme) December 14, 2015
Man, these critters hate organized religion. Or maybe they have a beef with this church specifically? #TweetwithBGH
— Sophie Day (@philliesfemme) December 14, 2015
This ginger got everything he wanted: even cashew cake. #TweetWithBGH #Critters2
— Evan Slead (@EvanSlead) December 14, 2015
@EvanSlead Wish it was carrot cake, AMIRITE???? #TweetwithBGH
— Sophie Day (@philliesfemme) December 14, 2015
Being a bounty hunter saved Charlie from alcoholism, but now he's just gonna stay behind cause Brad wants him to? #TweetWithBGH
— S. G. Cherryhomes (@GreenSpe) December 14, 2015
Even though Bradley's leaving?? And now he's the sheriff?? Being a sheriff is an ELECTED OFFICE #TweetWithBGH
— S. G. Cherryhomes (@GreenSpe) December 14, 2015
And that guy wasn't even the current Sheriff! #TweetWithBGH That's like if Bush picked the next Pres by throwing an eagle at someone
— S. G. Cherryhomes (@GreenSpe) December 14, 2015
Sheriff tells Bradley to kiss the girl, I audibly scream "NO THANK YOU" to my empty apartment. #TweetwithBGH
— Sophie Day (@philliesfemme) December 14, 2015
Thank you Grover's Bend for this movie. #TweetWithBGH #Critters2
— Evan Slead (@EvanSlead) December 14, 2015
Can we remain amused by this campy crapfest, or will Critters 3 bring our excitement plummeting towards Earth like a crashing spaceship? Join us for the next #TweetWithBGH and find out for yourselves!