Horror's 7 Least Reliable Pet Owners

Last Wednesday was National Dog Day. This meant most of the dog owners out there were busy flooding Facebook and Twitter with pics of their beloved companions while those of us without dogs dutifully liked and favorited each one.

While I was liking and favoriting, I started thinking about the important role pets of all species have played in the horror genre. Some of those dogs and cats and etceteras were lucky enough to have owners who loved them and cared for them and who fended off acid-blooded space monsters for them. Others? Well, they drew the short straw. Some of horror’s animal characters have been saddled with pretty crummy owners. Forget duking it out with acid-blooded space monsters, some owners can’t even handle feeding time without turning it into an ordeal.

Here are seven of horror’s absolute worst pet owners (spoilers abound):  

Billy Peltzer from Gremlins

Billy’s dog Barney is out of control and as a result is in near constant danger of being murdered by one of the town’s snootier citizens. Despite the fact that he hasn’t shown he can take care of one pet, Billy is soon given another: Gizmo the Mogwai. There are three rules Billy must follow with Gizmo and that’s asking for way, way too much. Soon, the rules are out the window and the town is overrun with murderous green monsters. At the end of the movie, after Mr. Wing takes Gizmo away, someone from the ASPCA should have shown up and angrily taken Barney away too.       

The Creed Family from Pet Sematary

The Creeds move next to the world’s most dangerous stretch of highway and even though they know it’s essentially a real world game of Frogger, zero steps are taken to protect their beloved cat Church. Naturally, Church is killed on the road. Unwilling to admit his failings as a pet guardian, Louis, the patriarch of the family, resurrects Church via burial in a mysterious nearby cemetery. Then, when Church comes back, smelling of death and 100% more vicious, the family essentially goes “Welp, the cat’s weird now” and just goes with it.     

Mort Rainey from Secret Window

Following his separation from his wife Amy, Mort’s living more or less a hermit’s life in upstate New York, shuffling back and forth between bed and couch and suffering from acute writer’s block. His only friend is his beloved dog Chico. Things get worse when a man called John Shooter shows up and accuses Mort of plagiarism. The two go back and forth and soon, Chico ends up dead via a screwdriver. During the conclusion, we find out Mort IS John Shooter, meaning he killed his own dog. After all that dog did for him.

The Carter Family from The Hills Have Eyes (1977/2006)

Stranded in the middle of the desert, the members of the Carter Family are suddenly unable to keep their dogs Beauty and Beast from running off. It seems like any time anyone opens the door to the camper, a dog just shoots out of it and off into the wilds. Beauty ends up dead, Beast, however, he acquits himself pretty well. Actually, you could make the case that he’s the hero in either version of the movie. Most of the human characters aren’t all that great and rarely behave in logical ways. Beast though, he’s out there getting his paws dirty fighting off mutants and cannibals.

Dániel from White God

The dog in this case is actually the daughter’s, but she’s staying with him and he’s the adult so the transitive property makes it his dog. Eventually, he sends the dog packing to punish his daughter and that is a huge mistake. See, instead of getting picked up by dog catchers or run over on a highway, the dog organizes all of the city’s strays into an army hellbent on overthrowing humanity. It’s hard to imagine how sending his daughter to bed without dinner could have resulted in a bloody animal-led coup d’etat. Just saying.  

Amanda from Night of the Lepus

Take your kid to work day goes horribly wrong when a scientist’s daughter falls in love with one of his mutated bunny rabbits. He tries to get her to take one of the non-mutant ones, but you know how kids are. She swipes a mutant bunny, it promptly escapes and procreates. Before you know it, massive monster bunnies are wreaking their adorable brand of havoc on a small town and it’s all because one little girl couldn’t hang on to one little old mutant bunny.

Zoe from Zombeavers

Chances are when Zoe was a little girl an adult probably told her: “You are the company you keep.” Clearly, that message isn’t tattooed on her anywhere because Zoe is friends with the kind of people who would be romantically involved with the kind of people who would use her dog to distract ravenous zombeavers. Pretty sure “I will not allow this animal to be sacrificed during a zombie apocalypse to save my life or the lives of my friends” is a standard clause on most adoption forms.

Editor's Note: If you want to watch us react to the general irresponsibility of the cast of Zombeavers in real time, be sure to check out our Zombeavers Spooktacular on YouTube, where you can watch along with us!