remake

So there’s a “RoboCop” remake. That’s something I have to tell my unborn children as well as my unknown bastards. It’s also about to clear 150 million on a 100 million dollar budget. Though only 50 of them bones is domestic it’s still not out of the realm of possibility I’ll have to tell those tiny bearded boys and girls there’s a “Robocop 2” too. (As in ‘also’, not 2x2 which would be weird but not impossible.

A woman carefully navigates a torrential downpour as she pulls into the kind of hardware store in a kind of town where everyone has known everyone for most of their lives. It’s also the kind of hardware store that specializes in game meat processing for extra flavor. She procures a flashlight, a length of rope, a metal pipe and other materials that would perhaps raise a few eyebrows should this kindly appearing woman be a grizzly transient. But the woman doesn’t appear well. Her hands shake and raspy, blood-splattering coughs rattle from her throat.

2012’s “Come Out And Play” is one of those movies where about halfway through you think to yourself, “wait, I’ve seen this movie before, haven’t I?” Yeah, you probably have. So much of it is familiar, this movie about children who have gone crazy and slaughtered all the adults in their village.

“Maniac,”starring Elijah Wood as the maniac killer, is a remake of a 1980 slasher of the same name, and while the recent trend of pointless and half-assed remakes has turned many horror fans off of remakes altogether, I think this is the kind of movie that shows exactly the type of potential that remakes have by showcasing a level of care and craftsmanship that is rare for a horror film, let alone a horror film remake.

Texas Chainsaw 3D

As with many of its 70's horror franchise contemporaries, "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" has become a series whose present continues to lose connection with its past, even as new entries stumble over themselves to pay homage to their roots. In 1974, Tobe Hooper and Kim Henkel captured lightning in a bottle with a chaotic, nasty film about a family of cannibals living deep in the heart of Texas.

In what is being described as a loose remake of the 1984 horror classic "Silent Night, Deadly Night", director Steven C. Miller brings us "Silent Night", starring Malcolm McDowell, Jaime King, Donal Logue, and Jamie Kennedy. If you're unfamiliar with the storyline, the film takes place around a small towns annual Santa Parade, which has brought record numbers of the jolly fat man to town.

Silent House

Though it feels like it's been much longer, audiences have been subjected to marketing campaigns built around the concept of 3D-as-experience since at least 2009. Which is why it was both refreshing and a bit surprising when trailers began to roll out for "Silent House" built not around that now-tired theater gimmick but instead around the concept of "real-time horror." Commercials and materials have been up-front about the fact that the film is presented in one, uncut take.

What are you doing April 12th, 2013? Washing your hair?! How can you possibly have plans already? Well you might want to cancel them because that's the date you'll finally get a chance to see the "Evil Dead" remake in theaters. And in turn that's the date you'll finally get a chance to lose your shit over the "Evil Dead" remake because you think it's a pile of garbage and the original is sacred and girls didn't talk to you in High School and now that your acne has cleared up they should probably give you a chance. All of those things will happen.

Alexandre Aja, the fella who directed the "Piranha" and "The Hills Have Eyes" remakes has officially been tapped to directed the upcoming big screen adaptation of Joe Hill's "Horns". The books tells the tale of a man who awakes one morning after a night of hard drinking to find he's sprouting horns out of his head. Then a bunch of other stuff happens, like he finds out who killed his girlfriend and stuff. There's some snakes too. The point is I read the book and I want people to know I'm literate.

Horror hot pocket Neil Marshal (I don't know what that means) is being eyed by the good people at CBS Films for their upcoming film titled "Hellfest". The film is about a Halloween themed park where one of the workers is actually going around killing people. This all sounds pretty awesome to me. The director, the story... the killing... well alright the killing part isn't awesome. Ya know, in real life and all. In the movie it's probably going to be cool. And I love roller coasters.

The trailer for "Battleship", a movie about the classic board game, hit a couple months back and looked like one of the most ridiculous things to ever be put on film. But reasoning be damned because Peter Berg is already talking about a sequel. And why shouldn't he. They've made three of those "Alvin and the Chipmunks" movies already and two "Garfield" movies. Alright to be 100% honest I watched the first Chipmunks movie over Thanksgiving break and it was delightful. They're so tiny and adorable.

The BGH crew debates the finer points of evolutionary biomechanics...