rob zombie

Trailers: Rob Zombies "The Lords of Salem" has a wild trailer

So this looks... like a movie. If I had to describe the first trailer for Rob Zombie's "The Lords of Salem", I'd call it "Dario Argento-Lite by way of the trailer park... plus meth". Also, and I think this needs to be asked, does this look like a film that's actually going to get released into theaters? After watching this, I'm not so sure...

Horror Headlines: September 17th, 2012

I'm seriously considering buying a "Resident Evil: Retribution" poster online after seeing the film yesterday. Just thought I'd give you fair warning as to where my frame of mind is these days. Speaking of "RE: Retribution", Paul W.S. Anderson's candy coated confusion machine topped the box office this weekend, raking in $21 million. That's $5 million less than the last film opened to, and the smallest opening since the original. However, keep in mind that these films have done absolutely BONKERS business overseas.

Here's what the new Robocop looks like. I'll save you the time it takes to click... it's not even silver! What the hell are we doing here, people...

Anchor Bay has acquired Rob Zombie's "Lords of Salem" after its debut at the Toronto International Film Festival last week. Thank God they use the acronym TIFF, because typing the entire name makes me want to quit life.

Check out The monsters you missed in "Cabin in the Woods". I made my wife watch this on Bluray with me last night. She just looked confused. Me on the other hand? I'm calling it now, horror film of the year. Everyone else should go home and feel bad about themselves.

Here's the new Norman Bates that will star in A&E's "Bates Motel". I will continue not watching horror on television because it will always be terrible.

Tom Savini's "Night of the Living Dead" remake from 1990 is coming to Bluray. If you haven't seen it, you should, it's pretty fantastic.

In Real People News: 

Turns out, this girl's aunt did not sexually assault her in a satanic ritual in 1994. She was pretty excited to hear her admit that, considering she's been in prison for it ever since. Whoopsies!

The 11 drunkest presidents in US history. Ah, the good old days...

Horror Headlines: Friday September 15th, 2012

Writing the news in an airport is kind of weird but people walking by don't really seem to give me weird looks when they see what's on my screen. When I get to the real people news though... that's when things get uncomfortable.

It's been a while since we've talked about Rob Zombie but now that his "The Lords Of Salem" is close to seeing the light of day it's time to thrust his loins back into your face. Sounds awful, right? Well it appears Mr. Zombie's witch revenge flick has sparked quite the bidding war with Anchor Bay being the front runner, offering close to $1.5 million for the film. I think we should start anew with Rob so I'll hold back on any stupid comments... I will mention how annoying his wife is though, but that's all.

If you've been on the edge of your seat waiting for the new "Godzilla" reboot then I am happy to tell you the wait is over because the good people at Warner Bros. and Legendary Pictures have announced that the flick will hit theaters on May 16th 2014. I mean you have to wait till then, and that's a pretty long time away, but you don't have to wait to know how long you have to wait. You get it? "Wait" by White Lion is a great song.

Adam Wingard's "You're Next" has also found itself a release date in the form of August 23rd 2013. The flick is about a family on vacation when they find themselves being hunted by a group of mysterious killers. They wear masks I think. If they wore Godzilla masks this would tie in really nicely wouldn't it. The lead singers of White Lion's name is Mike Tramp, that always grossed me out.

I have no idea why I keep talking about "Scary movie 5" but the rumor going around that Lindsay Lohan has faked having walking pneumonia is kind of awesome so I think you people need to know about it. Apparently she's a little pissy about the fact that the small role she was set to play had her mocking her own career and downward spiral. I for one am also pissed about it. I don't care what she does, she will always be my sweetheart. My cracked out sloppy mess of a sweetheart.

In Real People News: 

Seems a bit extreme but a St. Louis man shot his uncle to death over an argument about the cut of their pork chops. That's not a weird euphemism for something else either. He really killed his uncle over the cut of meat.

Well this is nice to see not happening in Florida. A Pennsylvania man is under arrest after he jumped out of a second story window and started chewing on a passer by's head. Good for you, Florida. You go and let those hicks in PA be the weirdos for a day.

Snapshots: Sid Haig fits right into "Lords of Salem"

A lot of Hollywood directors have their "stable" of go-to actors. For instance, Adam Sandler casts Rob Schneider in everything, presumably because they touched swords once at summer camp and he doesn't want him to tell anyone. Rob Zombie has gone in... a different direction. Creating his own traveling side-show of B movie actors who scare the shit out of me in real life. Does that translate to the big screen? Sometimes? Either way, he posted this pic of Sid Haig in "Lords of Salem" to his Facebook, and now I'm posting it here. Isn't the internet neat?

Horror Headlines: Tuesday, January 10th, 2012

I've now officially become one of those people that snore simply because they're fat. It's a pretty proud day for me. The Mrs. doesn't seem too impressed though.

The entire world is excited about the release of the big screen adaptation of "The Hunger Games". Literally everyone in the world. Walk outside and just ask a random person. They'll wet themselves and run away giggling they're so excited. Seriously. Well prepare to get even moister because Lionsgate has announced that pre-sale tickets will go on sale Wednesday February 22nd at MovieTickets and Fandango, almost a month ahead of it's current March 23rd pre-sale date. I'm not going to tell you the actual release date because you got that tattooed on your forehead months ago and I would just feel like a jerk spoiling that for you.

If you've been chomping at the bit to see "Hansel And Gretel: Witch Hunters" then I got some bad news for you. The fairy tale witch hunk action romp's release date has been pushed back almost a year, from March 2, 2012 all the way to January 11, 2013. Apparently the push is happening because Paramount is surprised at the success of "Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol" and "The Devil Inside" and is now trying to spread out their earnings a bit more. Because if there's one thing you don't want to do, it's earn too much money.

David Auburn has been tapped by Warner Brothers to write the big screen adaption of "A Discovery of Witches". The story follows a witch and vampire who find themselves trying to prevent a war between the two species. I'm not going to lie this sounds like the worst book and movie ever imagined and the thought of having to watch it for the podcast makes me a little ill. So ill that I need to be out that week. Please update your calendars accordingly.

Hey did you know that Michael Berryman is in Rob Zombie's "The Lords Of Salem"? Me either! Man I love coffee.

In Real People News: 

Here's an article that's in Russian, I think, but the jist of it is a kid was arrested after trying to steal an MP3 player. Where did he hide it? Up his ass of course. I'm still trying to figure out what the Russian word for "ass" is but I know it's in the article somewhere.

And here's a story about one particularly frisky Papa John's employee who has been fired after he noted an order was for "Lady Chinky Eyes" on her receipt. Maybe I should talk to the manager at the local Panera Bread because they keep marking me down as "fat ass who always gets two sandwiches for himself"...

Horror Headlines: Thursday November 17th, 2011

A few weeks back we talked about how it looked like "The Munsters" would once again be coming to the small screen in the form of a new TV series. Well it looks like NBC has finally given the new project, which promises to be a darker version of the classic black and white show, the thumbs up. No word yet on cast but Bryan Fuller, who brought you "Pushing Daisies" will be leading the project. Or don't you remember our talks? It's not just physical for me you know!

To up the hotness level of his new film "Pacific Rim" Guillermo del Toro has added Ron Perlman to the cast list. The movie is an epic battle giant robots vs. giant monsters and I will officially start taking bets to to which one Perlman will play.

It's no surprise that a big screen version of "Catching Fire", the second book in the 3 part "Hunger Games" series, is already being produced. It might be a surprise that Simon Beaufoy, the writer of "Slumdog Millionaire", is being eyed to adapt the book. I say it might be a surprise because I assume you're all racist and terrible people. I didn't even bat an eye at the news. I guess I just don't see things the way you do.

One of the most embarrassing things that's ever happened to me was farting in the middle of science class in the fifth grade. Luckily the teacher had stepped out of the room but unfortunately it was during the middle of a test so the room was dead silent. I don't think I ever got over that. By the way, here's some behind the scenes photos from the set of Rob Zombie's "Lords Of Salem".

In Real People News: 

I had no idea that you could get high off of bath salts but apparently you can. Apparently the high also puts you in a festive spirit because this guy in Ohio got all doped up on them, broke into a home and set up Christmas decorations. I don't think I see any down side to this.

Here's a story about a black guy in Florida who dressed up as a Klan member and burned a cross on his front lawn to scare his wife. Insane? Yes, but you have to imagine it worked.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday November 9th, 2011

I have no idea why anyone would want to visit Russia when their greatest commodity is already dancing at Private Eyes up on 45th and 8th, but the movie "The Darkest Hour" tells the story of a group of travelers stuck in Moscow during an alien invasion. A new poster for the flick has popped up online and it looks like all hell is breaking loose in Mother Russia. I hope this doesn't make people lose their place in line for bread.

Everybody hates clowns. Unless they're slutty clowns on Halloween, most people are on board with that. But an undead clown, that changes everything. The movie is titled "Stitches" and it tells the tale of a clown who returns from the grave to take out his vengeance on a group of teenagers who caused his death some years ago. It's a horror comedy and it's British so that means there's going to be a lot of bad teeth gags and Spam jokes. I assume. Most of what I know about the UK comes from Austin Powers and Monty Python.

"Hatchet" director Adam Green has confirmed "Killer Pizza", a new romp about a teen who takes a summer job at a pizza parlor that turns out to be the front for a monster hunting agency. The good people at MGM will be putting out the film so it might actually have some money behind it. God willing that doesn't mean they'll leave out the Kane Hodder sex scene.

If there's one thing Rob Zombie's witch revenge flick "The Lords Of Salem" has been missing it's sex appeal. Well good news you ornery little skanks, Sid Haig has officially joined the project as one half of a witch hunting duo. Boner time!

In Real People News: 

I like it! A Colorado man when ape shit yesterday when his local Best buy ran out of "Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3". The 31 year old became so upset that he threatened to shoot employees in the parking lot and blow up the store if they didn't get him his game. I hope they have Xbox in jail.

A threesome can ruin any relationship. Sure you want to see your wife go to sexy town with another woman now but once things start to actually happen you get to thinking about how this might effect the long term relationship. So it's understandable that this guy in Florida might have freaked out a little when his wife brought another women into the bedroom. What isn't understandable is that he took out his frustration on the two women by going all Ike Turner on them. That's going to probably cause more damage than the hot action.

Horror Headlines: Thursday October 27th, 2011

Remember when Anne Hathaway hosted the Oscars and I decided I hated her? Probably not because you never call anymore. Well Anne has signed on to star in a new thriller simply titled "Puzzler". On top of that she'll also be taking on the producer role for the first time. Maybe she can get back on my good side again if she produces those boobies on camera again.

Martin Scorsese looks to have his eye on a big screen adaptation of Jo Nesbo's "The Snowman". The story focuses on a detective investigating the murder of a woman in Oslo, Norway that appears to be the handy work of a serial killer. I don't want to get my hopes up but if the killer turns out to be a troll this might be the greatest movie ever made.

"I Am Legend" scribe Mark Protosevich has been hand picked by Mr. Steven Spielberg to put pen to paper for the much anticipated "Jurassic Park 4". Protosevich comes as no surprise to me as Spielberg's selection. With those baby blue eyes and rugged good looks he must have blown the judges away during the swimsuit competition.

Here's some new sales art for Rob Zombie's "The Lords of Salem" that looks like a crappy show flyer for the worst local punk band ever.

In Real People News: 

I blame "True Blood" for this one. A Zimbabwean man was recently caught making dirty love to a donkey and when questioned by police explained that said donkey was actually a shape shifting hooker. Wait, is prostitution legal in Zimbabwe?

Got to give this guy points for style. A Colorado man reported his date as a burglar when his girlfriend came home and caught the two of them together. It didn't fly of course but it was worth a shot.

Horror Headlines: Friday October 7th, 2011

The first trailer for "The Raven" staring John Cusak has hit the tubes my friend and it's chock full of birdy goodness. I think at least. Honestly I couldn't even watch the trailer because it kept locking up my computer. I can tell you the movie tells the tale of Edger Allen Poe who joins forces with a detective to stop a serial killer. You enjoy the trailer though and let me know how it goes.

Robert Zemeckis has set his eyes on "Charles Fort" as his next project. A period piece that tells the story of early-twentieth-century ghost hunter, the movie will be based on the Dark Horse comic of the same name. I wish I had something sarcastic to say about this but it just sounds so darn delightful.

Show of hands, who out there hasn't had a Tara Reid/Cloris Leachman three way fantasy? No one, that's what I thought. Well get excited because they're both on the new poster for "The Fields", a film set in 1973 that tells the true story of a Pennsylvania family who are terrorized by a strange presence in their corn field. I could sop this poster up with a biscuit! I realize that makes no sense.

Blah blah blah Rob Zombie blah blah blah "Lords of Salem" casting blah blah blah Billy Drago blah blah blah creepy guy from "The Untouchables".

In Real People News: 

Like candy but hate all the spooky connotations surrounding Halloween? Well you're in luck! This year you can celebrate Jesusween with a bunch of wack jobs who believe... well I'm not 100% sure what they believe but I'm 99% sure it will end with a military stand off and some sort of death pact.

Remember when you played football in middle school and you had to walk past the other team after the game and say "good game" to them? The funny guys would always say crap like "'eff you" and whatnot instead? Well here's a funny guy from Ohio who decided to put a tack on his glove and give the entire opposing team a make-shift stigmata. What a hoot!

Horror Headlines: Tuesday October 4th, 2011

Another day another "Paranormal Activity 3" clip and man oh man check this one out. There's a girl sleeping and then... well I think there might be something in the doorway? I have no idea what the hell is going on honestly. But I know it's frightening as hell. I think. 99% sure that's what it is.

Kevin J. Foxe is credited as being an executive producer for "The Blair Witch Project" which I assume means he was in charge of finding the perfect sticks to make those weird dolls. Or at least finding someone to go do that for him. Well now he's bringing all that talent to the directing role of a new spooky ghost story involving a group of college students title "The Ghost Experiment 3D". Can you guess if it's going to be in 3D or not? If you guessed no you are wrong... and really stupid.

Here's some news you didn't see coming. Sherri Moon Zombie is going to star in "Lords Of Salem" which is currently being directed by her lover Rob Zombi. If I was a betting man I'd put my money on her playing a freaky deeky who screams a lot and gets naked. That's just me though. She's actually been confirmed as a radio DJ who unleashes a coven of witches from days of yore. So probably not a lot of stripping there.

In a recent interview Mr. David Cronenberg alluded to the fact that he has already written a sequel to his 1985 remake of "The Fly". While there's no actual discussion of the film being made it looks like there's a god possibility it could go into production sometime in the near future. He spent the rest of the interview talking about this season's "Dancing With The Stars". It got kind of weird.

In Real People News: 

I never realized that snakes crap but here's a guy in Ohio who is under arrest after he apparently shoved his pet snake's doodie into his girlfriend's mouth. Try keeping your lunch down today while thinking about that.

And get ready for the end of America as we know it because the Hairy Crazy Ants are here. Currently invading Mississippi and working their way south the ants are bring death and destruction to everything in their path. Alright maybe not death but they're messing crap up. There's a video too which shows them in all their crazy ant glory. Pray for your death people!

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