American Horror Story

Horror Headlines: Monday, March 5th, 2011

To see boobies in 3D or not to see boobies in 3D. That is the question. It's a tough one, and unfortunately we're all going to have to answer it because Dimension films has just dropped that "Piranha 3DD" will be released both theatricality and on VOD at the same time. So will the dirtbag in me who wants to see bouncy things in 3D win over the part of me that hates seeing sunlight. I for one can't wait to see how this turns out.

There's so many genre shows in the works I almost forgot that there's already one I watch and kind of like. It's "American Horror Story". It's fun to learn things about each other isn't it? But the news here is that Evan Peters, Sarah Paulson, and Lily Rabe will all be returning for Season 2 as different characters. The story this season will take place on the East Coast and focus on Jessica Lange's character. I also really enjoy ice cream and Neil Diamond. I love you.

New movie alert! Oh god I love new movie alerts. The project is called "The Occult" and already has Rufus Sewell, Anne Heche, and Alycia Debnam-Carey in the cast. What's more it'll be directed by Christian E. Christiansen who directed "The Roomate" and that movie was terrible! Are you pumped? I was too excited to read the plot, but I did skim it and there's something about the devil's daughter coming to earth and a small town with some girls and some killings. Oh man, it's the best Monday ever.

Good for Julia Stiles. She's landed the lead role in the upcoming NBC series "Midnight Sun" about a FBI agent trying to track down a cult that mysteriously disappeared. I believe we're one step closer to finally seeing a "Save the Last Dance 2".

In Real People News: 

Rep. Roscoe Bartlett of Maryland has proposed the STACHE Act into his fine state. The act would give anyone with a mustache a 250$ tax break yearly. I believe it's time to move.

I've always though it would be cool to be in the Guinness Book of World Records. So did this guy in Sri Lanka apparently, because he attempted to break the record for longest time buried alive. He died though so I don't think he wins and there's a ton of people who have been buried dead for longer than him, so I think he's kind of f'ed.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday, January 24th, 2012

"American Horror Story" mastermind Ryan Murphy will be teaming up with "Apollo 18" co-writer Brian Miller for a super hot super new Sci-Fi flick for Sony. The project is currently untitled, there's no director selected and details of the film have yet to be released. Sooooo... How's your day going so far? Did you watch "The Bad Girls Club" last night? Man what a crazy start, huh?

Get excited folks, Universal has picked up the rights to a new found footage flick titled "Thirteen" which focuses on the topic of possession. I for one applaud the good people at Universal for their not-rocking-the-boatness. If they made some crazy movie based off of a new idea no one had ever seen, well I might not be able to control myself in the theater. This way I know what I'm getting and I'll be able to relax. Thank you again, Universal.

Relativity Media and The Weinstein Company have apparently settled their differences of "The Crow" remake out of court and appear to be moving forward with the project. It's amazing to me that of all the movies that get tied up in legal problems the one film they pick to set aside their differences for is "The Crow". Thank you?

I have no idea what dubstep is but I know I hate it, a lot. I also have no idea who Jake Hoffman and Nikki Reed are either but apparently they're going to star in a new dubstep horror flick titled "Snap". I honestly don't even know what I just wrote there. Reed will play a social worker who finds herself drawn into the exciting world of dubstep. I don't know, it turns out she's a nut bag or something. I'm so lost right now.

In Real People News: 

Remember that movie "The Roommate" and how upset we all were when the girl put the kitten into the washing machine? Replace that girl with a guy from Arkansas and the kitten with a Chihuahua. Isn't that upsetting anymore is it? You're sick.

I don't know what it is but there's something about a coon skin cap that makes me both uncomfortable and proud to be an American. Both of those feelings would have been heightened this past weekend when an Oklahoma man walked into a grocery story wearing said hat and dropped trow showing the shoppers his bits. I hope that Lee Greenwood song was playing over the intercom.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday, January 17th, 2012

I know you're all wondering so here's the breakdown of my showering activities. Shampoo, soap, rinse. Interesting huh? The problem is when I shave, which is only about once every two weeks because I'm a lazy prick, I tack on that at the end. What I should really do is Shampoo, rinse, shave and rinse again. Why you ask? Well because since I only shave once in a blue moon my facial hair has a tendency to get a little bit on the longer side and when I shave and hop right out of the shower I don't get all the little whisker bits completely off my amazing body.

Chris Stokes directed "You Got Served" and "House Party 4" so it should come as no surprise that his new film "The Helpers" is a hand held torture flick about seven friends who are being held hostage and brutally killed off one by one on camera. Wait no that doesn't make any sense at all. Take a look at the trailer. There's not one sign of anyone getting served. Unless you consider getting ripped in half "served". I think that's what they call it in Connecticut now that I think of it.

I had no idea Tim Burton was working on a stop motion animation flick titled "Frankenweenie". Mostly because I thought he made that 30 years ago in his basement but what the hell do I know. But here's a new still from the flick which looks to be a little more on the kid-friendly side. Sure the dog is dead but that doesn't make him any less adorable.

For those of you who didn't watch The Golden Globes this past weekend not only did you miss some of this season's hottest fashions but you also missed Jessica Lange taking home the gold for Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television for her role on "American Horror Story". This is very exciting for horror fans because ya know... it's cool to see horror shows and movies win awards. Because then we can all go online and complain about how it's not horror and how the shows sucks and stuff. Should fill up most of today at the very least.

This shouldn't come as any surprise to people but "The Devil Inside" took a big old nose dive this past weekend, bringing in only about $8,020,000 at the box office. For those of you keeping score at home that's less than half of what it pulled in during it's Friday night midnight showings during it's opening weekend. I don't want to credit anyone for this turn but I did tweet that I was disappointed in the flick so at least 13 people would have been swayed by my opinion. Sorry Hollywood.

In Real People News: 

If there's one thing I've learned from taking numerous trips to Virginia to visit family it's don't ever mess with the kids there. They have no sense of humor whatsoever. You especially don't mess with their juice boxes or you'll get stabbed. I have proof.

The story isn't so much interesting because an Ohio man was arrested for having child pornography on his computer. I assume that happens in Ohio almost every 8 hours. It's the fact that he's wearing an "Internet was down so I thought I'd go outside" t-shirt in his mug shot. Hey I get it!

American Horror Story: Birth (Episode 11)

Well, the first part of the two part season finale has finally descended upon us and it was a pretty strong episode through and through. Any doubts that I've had about the series pulling off the haunted house story and keeping its family in the house are completely dismissed with what happened this week. The creators have really pulled together a horrific story for the first season and I can't wait to see the second half of the finale. I do have some questions about the direction of the second season, but we'll save that for next week.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday, December 14th, 2011

Winter is officially here my friends! This entire week I've been wearing my snow pants to work in anticipation of the last final blizzard of 2011. Sure there's no reports of any such blizzard coming but still I like to be prepared. I also really like the swooshing sound the snow pants make when I walk around. And my ass looks great in them. So many reasons!

If you're as excited as I am for tonight's season finale of "American Horror Story" then you know what it's like to wet your pants at work and have all your coworkers laugh at you. Miserable I know. But the good people at FX have given us a special preview of tonight's episode to tide us over. So that makes up for the constant harassment you're going to receive for the next year. The nicknames, the laughing... the scratchy thighs.

Nick Swardson and TJ Miller have both been cast in a new animated comedy flick titled "Hell & Back". The two will voice characters who have to travel into the underworld to save a friend of theirs who was kidnapped and taken to the great below. The good news here? The flick is going to be rated R. So if you love cartoons who swear, and who doesn't, get ready to piss yourself again... Maybe it's time to get some adult diapers.

Eff yeah new poster for "Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance". With Nic Cage all head on fire riding a bike with a giant chain whip. Eff ya indeed! Oh wait? you're in 3D too? You shouldn't have even bothered changing your pee pants!

Holy crap, have you ever seen a picture of "American History X" director Tony Kaye before? He looks like that crazy wizard guy who had the telescope and watched the two giant statues that shoot lasers in "The Never Ending Story". You know the one I'm talking about. Anyway he's being perused by the fine people at W2 Media to direct their new flick "Attachment", about a teacher who's one night stand with a student comes back to haunt her when he begins to date her daughter. If anyone can remember the guy's name I'd really appreciate you letting me know. This is going to bug me now.

In Real People News: 

It's always sad when the horse theft you plan goes terribly wrong. One minute you're just having some fun stealing a horse from your local college and the next minute your mother's boyfriend is shooting that horse in the face. Too far man, too far.

I don't even know how this is possible but here's a story about an 82 year old man who beat his girlfriend to death with a flashlight battery.

American Horror Story: Smoldering Children (Episode 10)

What an episode this week! There was a murder investigation with Constance as the prime suspect, more backstory on how Larry Harvey got those scars and one heck of a big reveal surrounding one of our main characters. I must admit, I hold a special place in my heart for this episode, because the director of this week's episode is none other than Michael Lehmann, who also directed my all time favorite movie,"Heathers"! I don't really think this needs to be said, but if you have yet to watch episode ten, stop now because this discussion contains spoilers!

American Horror Story: Spooky Little Girl (Episode 9)

Just when I think that I've had enough "American Horror Story" shenanigans, something happens that knocks me down and drags me back in, as is the case with this week's episode. If you haven't yet watched this week's episode, go do that now, because there are spoilers ahead. This episode was full of ghostly sexual advances, a few new murders to add to the infamous murder house and an antichrist baby. But it was really the second half of the hour long episode that answered a bunch of questions and hooked me back in.

Horror Headlines: Monday November 21st, 2011

Up until now all the shots from "The Dark Knight" have been a big load of CT's. If you're not sure what that means just image me in high school driving a bunch of girls to the mall only to find we're really "good friends". I think you get the picture now. But today we get full release with a couple new photos of Bane and the Batman himself in all their full on glory. Enjoy them, with someone you love.

It is impossible for Dwayne Johnson AKA The Rock to do any wrong in my eyes. Did you see "Tooth Fairy"? It was delightful! I assume "Monster Hunter’s Survival Guide", which has just been announced and will star Mr. Rock as a master of the monster hunting arts, will be amazing. "Walking Tall"? Possible the greatest movie ever imagined.

I had completely forgotten that this movie existed but it looks like filming for "Manson Girls" is finally under way and is hoping to be wrapped in time to premiere the film at next year's Cannes Film Festival. The film tells the real life story of a group of girls leading up to the 1969 Tate murders. Taryn Manning, Tania Raymonde, Monica Keena, Stella Maeve and a bunch of other names I don't recognize lead the cast.

Huh the what now!? FX has decided to cut the season finale of "American Horror Story" from 2 hours to 90 minutes. Citing a tricky production schedule as the cause. The finale is set to premier on December 21st and true be told this isn't that terrible of news. I don't think I could handle two hours of the mother from "Six Feet Under" dry humping people.

In Real People News: 

Sometimes the morning commute is just more than you can take and you need a quick nap. Of course you should probably not do what this woman in Minnesota did and take that nap in the middle of the highway. Unless of course your morning compute is so bad that you want to be repeatedly run over by cars. Then go right ahead.

When you go to a knock off plastic surgeon you've got to expect to not get the best service. But even the worst of doctors shouldn't be injecting fix-a-flat into peoples asses. Even if they are a tranny in Miami that's only pretending to be a doctor.

American Horror Story: Open House (Episode 7)

Episode 7 of American Horror story rung in Wednesday night with a series high performance rating and has apparently been growing strong for the past five weeks. This week's episode created more questions than answers, as what tends to be the norm in about oh, every other episode or so? So let's just jump right into some of those questions, shall we?

American Horror Story: Piggy, Piggy (Episode 6)

Despite this week's episode being chock full of school shootings, a suicide attempt and brain eating, it was actually kind of boring in comparison to the last few episodes. In episode six we get to see Tate shoot up the library, Violet finally uses the internet to research Tate and his past, and Eric Stonestreet (Cam from "Modern Family") guest stars as one of Ben's patients who is terrified of urban legends.

Here's the recap:

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