Trailers: Hellraiser Revalations

Hi kids!! Your Connoisseur of Crap is here with something "special"... and I mean special of the window licking variety! Because it takes a special kind of movie to get a Bloody Good Horror Connoisseur of Crap Seal of Approval before it's even released.

Remember when you were growing up, and your parents would yell at you for leaving homework until the last minute? How they would insist that your work would be subpar & sloppy if you didn't plan ahead? I think that's what happened here: Victor Garcia and the Weinstein Company, despite the nagging about deadlines from Dimension Studios on the reboot, chose their Xbox over proper planning and execution for a movie. Lines such as "But GUYS - we can start it TOMORROW!!!!" & "HEY!!! I called SubZero you dick!!!!" were frequently heard from the basement.

Tomorrow is a funny thing. It seems like a long way off, but before you know it - it's TOMORROW. And the next thing you know, if you don't do SOMETHING with your acquired Hellraiser license, you're going to lose the rights all together. So what could they do? Well, they were going to have to get SOME sort of Hellraiser movie out - ANY sort of Hellraiser movie - to buy some time to make the 'proper' remake they were hoping for. So what's the best way to pawn something off as art on a minimal budget? Why, by copying the stylings of movies like Blair Witch, Rec & Paranormal Activity - it's SUPPOSED to look low budget!

So our nutty developers pooled what was left in their checkbooks & wallets ($423.76, half a ham sandwich, a expired coupon for a free carwash, and a dried prophylactic), dug around some construction sites for materials to build a few sets in their house, grabbed some actors and actresses from the local community college (which included a woman who's entire facial ranges include nothing but the screaming 'O' face), and then borrowed their old video camera from their mother, which was made in 1988, and shot Revelations.

No, that's not REALLY how it happened, but it's the only story I could come up with that made any sort of sense and could excuse the disgusting dump they took all over the series (But it IS true they needed to make SOMETHING fast, or lose the license. Estimates are that this was made for $200-300K). The acting (I use that term loosely) is so painful, even the actors look like they hurt every time they utter their lines. The costuming and makeup are SUPERB, looking like they were done by a Party Central Halloween Kostume kit. And how about that new Pinhead, huh? Apparently, the latest generation of damned souls are extremely high in calories.

I think the intro says it all: INSPIRED BY CLIVE BARKER'S HELLRAISER. They're so ashamed of this movie, they wouldn't even try to pass it off as part of the Hellraiser series! Well.... at least we can understand why Doug Bradley wanted no part of this.

Anywho... enjoy?

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