Horror Headlines 5/19/08

So, this coming Friday, as many of you know, marks the release of the new "Indiana Jones" film. What you may not realize is that it also marks the release of Uwe Boll's next film "Postal". Originally intended to open up on 1,500 screens, apparently major theater chains across the country are getting cold feet over Boll's latest, and are boycotting the release, likely due to the highly offensive nature of some of the material in the film. The highly charged political satire/retard manifesto is now only playing on FOUR SCREENS. Yup, you read that right. Wow... I was going to review this but now I may have to have Jon and his fancy New York theaters review it. Lucky him!

Val Kilmer to star in "The Thaw", an ecological horror film based on what happens when a thawed Woolly Mammoth releases a prehistoric germ that threatens to destroy the human race. Alongside the older, pudgier Kilmer is the younger/skinnier Martha McIsaac, who you may recall was last seen trying to give Michael Cera a "Blow-J" in "Superbad". Are these two supposed to be love interests? Now that's terrifying.

Here is a list of the theaters that Dario Argento's "Mother of Tears" will be playing in starting on June 6th, 2008. It's pretty short, so check it out to see if you'll be able to see the film in a few weeks.

News coming out of the Cannes Film Festival today, as The Weinstein Company just picked up North American distribution rights to "Eden Lake", about a couple on vacation who are terrorized by a group of feral kids. For more info you can check the IMDB for "Eden Lake" here.

Haylie Duff stars in slasher film titled "Deep Cove". The story is about a group of teens who go to a secluded cabin on Spring Break and blah, blah, blah... Wait, she was in "Napoleon Dynamite"? I must have missed that one.

In Real People News: 

An American sniper has been sent home from Iraq after using a copy of the Koran for target practice. What, that seems like a totally non-offensive thing to me... right?

And finally, my childhood fear of those carnival swing rides for kids is totally validated. Read on for a detailed description of what happens when one collapses.

The beauty of being a chemist and wanting to get rid of your husband, is that you can easily kill him by knocking him out and stuffing him in a vat of acid. And apparently there's no need to kill him first... the acid takes care of that you see.

If you're going to have a spitting contest off a hotel balcony, it might not be a good idea to get a running start first, lest you get owned by the concrete below. And this guy isn't even from Florida.

On this day in history: 

1987: Chet Fleming files for a patent on his method for keeping a severed head alive. The mechanism includes blood filtering, pumping equipment, and nutrient supply. Ultimately, US Patent 4,666,425 is granted.

Box Office Special - The Man of Iron Goes Down, Finally

In this day and age, sitting atop the box office standings for more than one weekend is somewhat uncommon. Doing so in the midst of the highly contested summer season, even more so. "Iron Man" had a nice run, but it was only a matter of time, and this week the Marvel creation plummeted all the way to number two.

RIP John Phillip Law

John Phillip Law, the tall, steel-eyed star of numerous Italian sci-fi and action films, passed away this week at the age of 70. Law is probably best known for his role as Pygar, the blind angel love interest of Jane Fonda in "Barbarella", but cult film/Beastie Boys/MST3K fans will recognize him as the star of Mario Bava's psychedelic comic book film "Danger: Diabolik". Law also starred opposite Lee Van Cleef in the classic spaghetti western "Death Rides a Horse", a movie Quentin Tarantino liberally sto... er, borrowed from when making "Kill Bill".

The Cottage (REVIEW)

David has a dream, a dream of owning a boat. His brother Steven has a dream too, of owning their mother’s house. Neither have the money to buy what they want, but David has a plan; kidnap the daughter of a local small time crime boss and hold her for ransom! If Steven helps, David will sign off his share of mom’s house. If David succeeds, he’s got the money to buy his boat; everybody wins!

Horror Headlines 5/15/08

The guy who designed the "Cloverfield" monster will be doing the FX for the 3D remake of "Piranha", being directed by Alexandre Aja. Sounds pretty interesting to me.

David Lynch and Werner Herzog will be directing a low budget shot on video horror thriller titled "My Son, My Son". The barebones shoot is tentatively scheduled for March on the film, which centers around "a man who acts out a Sophacles play in his mind and kills his mother with a sword". Ya, that pretty much sounds like a Lynch movie to me.

After Dark Horror Films, of "8 Films to Die For" fame, has added a flick to their upcoming in house production slate. It's "Butterfly Effect 3". Um... ya. That doesn't see like a great start to me.

I'll never understand why Asian people are so obsessed with robot sex, but here we have a Phillipino film titled "Killdroid", regarding a "disturbed Goth schoolgirl who stumbles unwittingly across the remnants of a long abandoned military project designed to create an army of android killers from the processed bodies of dead soldiers. The girl takes on the mysteriously beautiful Killdroid as a lover, only to discover, too late, that its insatiable sexual appetite is inexorably linked with a need for slaughter." Wow. I don't even know what to do with that.

In Real People News: 

California judge overturns Gay Marriage ban. Meanwhile... Gas is priced higher than ever and the economy is swirling the proverbial toilet, can you guess which thing the American public is going to be up in arms about?

A woman missing 42 years found dead in front of her television. I'm guessing they didn't look for her that hard.

This Icelandic dude has the largest collection of penises in the world. Hey, when you only get a few hours of sunlight every day you've got to entertain yourself somehow, right?

Well, if you wake up one morning and your horror news isn't served up piping hot, It's because I'm under water. Guess I better invest in a snorkel.

Okay, I'm sure you're sick of celebrity news, but seriously, you have to read about how 72 year old Marlon Brando munched on grapes while banging the crap out of Heidi Fleiss. Oh, she also lives with twenty parrots in a trailer and sometimes eats their food because she can't afford any. I guarantee that will fuel your nightmares more than any movie you've seen this year.

On this day in history: 

1984: Intergender wrestling champion and conceptual comic Andy Kaufman pretends to die of lung cancer. In order to make it really convincing, Andy underwent months of radiation therapy and six weeks of psychic surgery in the Philippines.

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